tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87308677911131096112024-03-14T06:43:26.887-05:00Don't Lose It All...This is a journey through the dark as well as the bright & joyful times of a recovering anorexic. My name is Kaitlyn & I have been struggling with anorexia for around 3 yrs. In May '08 I was hospitalized for my severe medical problems due to anorexia. This site is devoted to take you through my tough times as well as my accomplishments. Anorexia is deadly, but Jesus Christ gives life & amazing healing!Kaitlynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05792269125397399793noreply@blogger.comBlogger173125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8730867791113109611.post-81864202426076632102012-09-05T20:56:00.001-05:002012-09-05T20:57:55.296-05:00Catching UpI haven't posted in so long I am trying to remember how to do it ;)<br />
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So many new things are going on in my life I honestly do not know where to start.<br />
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As you can see by the picture below, I am now a nursing student!!! It has taken a while to get where I am today, but it has all been worth it!<br />
I just began my first semester about 3 weeks ago and I am already EXTREMELY stressed out. I honestly<br />
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shouldn't be taking the time to do this, but I've missed it, so I am! I was asked the other day why I chose nursing and it really didn't hit me until then why I really had. I have always been a caring person, always wanting to "mommy" everyone, so caring is my nature. But I honestly did not become interested in the medical field until my eating disorder. Having to go to doctors CONSTANTLY got me interested and now I am making it my career. This is another reason I believe God allowed me to struggle with anorexia. I know He wants me to be a nurse, that is going to be my mission field, and without my eating disorder and all the MANY doctors, I may have never had that spark ignited.<br />
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I have so much more to tell ya'll, but I have so much MORE studying to do :/ so I am going to end it there for tonight and come back sometime tomorrow or this weekend with some more updates on my recovery as well as my mission to keep other girls and guys from staring death in the face because of an EATING DISORDER!<br />
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LOVE YOU ALL!<br />
Kaitlyn (:Kaitlynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05792269125397399793noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8730867791113109611.post-83316344800888068752011-08-24T15:00:00.002-05:002011-08-24T15:12:09.491-05:00Rules and Restrictions<span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">November 15, 2007
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<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span></span>"I went to my second visit with Dr. B today and I really don't like going. I mean REALLY, REALLY don't like to.
<br /> He told me I had to gain weight or I would have to go to some special doctor and he would drive me crazy. He also told me if I lost more weight I could end up in the hospital with feeding tubes and stuff... I have to start drinking some kind of drinks to give me more calories. He said I needed 500 more calories per day. OMG!! Thats A LOT! I know I need to get better, it's just really hard to let go of some of these restrictions and rules I have for myself."
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<br /><span style="font-style: italic;"></span></span>I HATED going to my first therapist. With a passion I hated it. I think it was because he was a male and I didn't feel comfortable. Not sure, but i dreaded it every week. I can remember the exact feelings I had when I wrote these words. I remember when he first told me to start drinking Ensure's. 500 cals was way too many to add to my diet. Not just to me, but simply to an eating disorder patient in general. You don't start off with that many...it makes our ED go wild! There are so may rule's eating disorder patient's have it would take me days to list them all. Most of mine had to do with what I would eat, when I would eat it, how much I would eat, and how much I needed to exercise to burn it off. I lived by these rule's. I lived by how many calories my ED would allow me to eat that day. Rule's take over. They control the brain. They control the life.
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<br />I finally BROKE the rules. ;)<span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;"></span>
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<br /></span></span>Kaitlynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05792269125397399793noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8730867791113109611.post-43804243317621564482011-07-27T14:12:00.002-05:002011-07-27T14:22:55.242-05:00Saying My Goodbyes? Or Saying New Hello's?<span style="font-weight: bold;">November 13, 2007<br /></span><span style="font-style: italic;">"Me and ED have been doing pretty good the past few days. He's really in control right now. I think to just want to see how much weight I can lose before I go to see my therapist because he said I would have to start gaining weight. He told me to say my good-bye's to Ed. In a way, I don't want to. I want to lose more weight. Why am I thinking like this? I'm so messed up. Will I ever be free from Ed?"</span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br /></span>There goes the war again. I want to get better but I don't. It never ended. This specific entry was when my therapist told me I must say goodbye to my eating disorders. I don't think that's possible. There will always be part of my eating disorder with me...I just had to learn how to live away from it's grip. As you can see, I did not say my goodbyes. I said new hello's. I started losing more weight. This therapist and I did not groove together. There was just something seriously <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">WEiRD</span> about him. I didn't like him, so I didn't listen to him. When I didn't listen to him, my eating disorder got a tighter grip on me. I not only began losing more weight, I learned to tricks to get around not eating. New ways to hide it from my parents. New ways to kill myself...Kaitlynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05792269125397399793noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8730867791113109611.post-5303200855395761672011-07-25T13:45:00.002-05:002011-07-25T13:56:22.439-05:00The WarI found my old journal recently and began reading it...it is filled with my eating disorder moments. I decided to share some of them with you all. This will help some of you get into the mind of someone with an eating disorder.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">November 10, 2007</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"I wish this war would stop. The war inside of me. I feel exactly like Paul, like he said in Romans 7:22-25. I'm torn between wanting to get better, knowing what I'm doing is wrong, and wanting to be thinner. It's back and forth all the time. I just don't see how I can keep doing this. I get so frustrated at myself. Why can't I see beauty the way God does? Why can't I see myself the way God does? In the Bible it says that if a man loves the world or anything in it he doesn't have God in him. That hurts me. I'm being worldly. And that means I don't have God in me? It breaks my heart.</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> I don't see how a month or so ago I had such this drive to get better...and then now I just don't feel it anymore. I just want to lose weight and be skinnier. Why won't this end?"</span><br /><br />This wasn't too long after I began going to my first <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">physcologist</span>...but I believe I had stopped seeing him at the time I wrote this.<br /> I can remember these feelings like it was yesterday. One moment of the day I wanted to get better...the next moment my mind was consumed with thoughts of starvation and exercise. It truly is a war inside. But the war CAN be won. I remember the day God broke through to me, saved my life and made my eating disorder surrender. That doesn't mean it left me completely, but it did give me the strength to fight the occasional battles I was faced with. I was in this war for so long, it haunts me when I read this journal entry....but makes me smile at the same time, knowing that I HAVE obtained <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">ViCTORY</span>!Kaitlynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05792269125397399793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8730867791113109611.post-48676161442261820982011-04-29T17:32:00.002-05:002011-04-29T17:54:17.532-05:00I'm Going Places ;)Hi there!<br />I say this every time...but it's been way too long since I've posted. I have GOT to get back into this!<br /><br />A lot of things have been going on in my life here lately. God has been stirring up so many things it is unbelievable! First of all, I spoke at the Women's Conference at my church back in Feb. Over 200 women there heard my story...it was amazing! God certainly had a plan for that day because I met someone very special who had been struggling with the same issues for a very long time. I'm telling you, God was ALL over that speech!<br /><br />I then spoke to almost every girl in my high school about my struggle. Then, about a month ago I had the honor of hosting a booth at the Sylacauga High School health fair. That experience was completely AMAZING! I was able to share my story with so many students as well as educate them on the dangers of eating disorders. Then, next Tuesday I will be speaking to the entire Nichols Lawson (Syl. Middle School) student body about eating disorders. I am so amazed at how many doors God has opened for me.<br /><br />I would have never thought that those days and nights of hopelessness would turn into something far bigger than I could ever imagine. Those few years where the worst years of my life...but I would not trade them for ANYTHING in the world. I went through this to help others, I have no doubt about that.<br /><br />My God is amazing...I honestly cannot wait to see the things He will continue to do. (:<br /><br />I tried to post some pictures of the health fair...but they won't load...I'll try again later!Kaitlynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05792269125397399793noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8730867791113109611.post-68425887948902245832011-02-11T13:51:00.002-06:002011-02-11T14:04:56.945-06:00It's Time To Talk About It<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPSrWgAI3yKfZMiRcCrr5ZEyRpprIO2UWjKA8Bzz9r0a4JLNJu4Qmk9Sqk-OUiXZV3acW6Yw5uLV43Xq0tcXi4TvPmGEJ7CKgHuhmYSgl-v7XIJtzySZtD0m_WG7QWnVMODqLcyhykwE8/s1600/neda.jpg"><img style="float: right; margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; cursor: pointer; width: 235px; height: 309px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPSrWgAI3yKfZMiRcCrr5ZEyRpprIO2UWjKA8Bzz9r0a4JLNJu4Qmk9Sqk-OUiXZV3acW6Yw5uLV43Xq0tcXi4TvPmGEJ7CKgHuhmYSgl-v7XIJtzySZtD0m_WG7QWnVMODqLcyhykwE8/s320/neda.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5572525438437604674" border="0" /></a>Eating disorder awareness week is coming up SOON. Like, in two weeks!!!<br />The theme of this year is "It's Time To Talk About It". As I was thinking about that the other day it really hit me...ED's are not talked about. It's like the world seems to think it's some horror word that you don't speak of. But it's NOT.<br /><br />Eating disorders are pretty much all about secrets. You keep secret the pain that's deep inside. You keep secret the binging and purging, the starving and over exercising, and so much more. When we don't talk about it, it's not only hurting ourselves, but others. Our loved ones around us as well as those struggling who need to know they are not alone.<br />I've been speaking at a lot of places here recently and I still have many other speaking arrangements lined up...and what I've learned already is that it's so beneficial to TALK ABOUT iT! I can't tell you the lives I've touched already just by sharing my story.<br /><br />Not talking about it is what Satan wants us to do. Because when we talk about it, we show others what God has to offer vs. what ED's have to offer and He far outweighs them! When we talk about it, we encourage the beautiful young (and old) hearts out there. And when we encourage them, they get stronger. When they are stronger, it's harder for Satan to take them down.<br /><br />Like with any problem, addiction, or pain, it's important to talk about eating disorders. It's vital to recovery. It's vital to your life.<br /><br />Please keep me in your prayers as I prepare to speak about my story in these upcoming weeks. God is using me in mighty ways and I'm trusting Him fully!<br /><br />Love yall!!!!Kaitlynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05792269125397399793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8730867791113109611.post-69944263873544762282011-01-04T14:55:00.003-06:002011-01-04T15:05:14.633-06:00The Look.There's something that has really been bothering me lately...it's been brought to my attention that many people, well, the WORLD actually, think that you have to have the LOOK of an eating disorder to actually have one.<br />Ed's have no special look that they go for. They come in all kind of shapes and sizes. The body is only an outward sign of an eating disorder...and many people know how to cover that up while they struggle.<br />On another note, I don't LOOK like i have an eating disorder anymore. But I do. Most of you thought i was recovered. I'm not. Never will be. My eating disorder will always be with me. But it will not always be a part of my life. I say this to say that people can be in recovery, but still have an eating disorder...even though they don't look like it.<br /><br />Ed's don't discriminate against sex, size, shape, hair color, skin color...<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">NOTHiNG</span>.<br /><br />So we must stop labeling eating disorders to a certain look. Anyone can fall victim.<br /><br />My mom shared this article with me about a boy who struggled with anorexia and i thought it was interesting. Read it if you have time.<br /><br />http://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/30/male-anorexia-one-boys-story/?icid=main|htmlws-main-w|dl3|sec1_lnk3|193341<br /><br />Stay Strong <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Beautifuls</span>!<br />God is on your side!!!<br />--<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">kaitlyn</span>Kaitlynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05792269125397399793noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8730867791113109611.post-61604953657974021752010-09-29T14:28:00.002-05:002010-09-29T14:37:29.475-05:00The Continual StruggleI know it's been a LONG while since I've posted but with school starting back, football season, working, and everything else in between, I've been super busy!<br /><br />I've been asked a LOT lately by friends and family how I've been doing. I, of course, give the "right answer" and tell them I'm doing good. Am I really? With eating and maintaining my weight, yes, I believe I am. BUT, the ED thoughts are slowly creeping back into my mind. I honestly don't know why. But boy has it been hard not to give into the thoughts! I've had a LOT of fat days lately. I've thought about skipping meals here and there, but haven't. The thoughts of "am I enough" are becoming the theme of my life again, and I HATE it.<br /><br />Now, I'm not saying all this to depress anyone or try and give myself a pity party. I'm simply showing you, especially those who are struggling with an ED, that it is a CONTINUOUS struggle. A CONTINUOUS fight. And with God, a CONTINUOUS victory. I honestly don't know how I've gotten through these days without giving into Twister. Or maybe I do. Maybe it's my amazing God. He quietly whispers His love to me and somehow it makes me stronger. I realize why I'm here and I realize life is worth living for HiM.<br /><br />This feeling comes only with an intimate relationship with Christ. If you don't have it, your missing out. I promise you, it will forever be the best decision of your life!<br /><br />STAY STRONG BEAUTiFULS!!! (:Kaitlynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05792269125397399793noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8730867791113109611.post-24547337674158455362010-08-06T08:30:00.003-05:002010-08-06T08:47:31.782-05:00The Mystery of Life<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjT-_eHo6dKGFXuCihtCCwuYURBMm1RjGVjQPG7VW5mtUaH5CtXymzCf81RVJjbhvoZamGXWHhhQNR9gJEMUkPvWMhe7n-m9cnTbtk4LeSun7CducJz02H_V5RqycqeL8hcLgLvnyGl-Us/s1600/DSC_0004.JPG"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjT-_eHo6dKGFXuCihtCCwuYURBMm1RjGVjQPG7VW5mtUaH5CtXymzCf81RVJjbhvoZamGXWHhhQNR9gJEMUkPvWMhe7n-m9cnTbtk4LeSun7CducJz02H_V5RqycqeL8hcLgLvnyGl-Us/s320/DSC_0004.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5502291475371670210" border="0" /></a>It seems like forever since I've written on here!<br /><br />I want to first thank you all for your sweet comments, especially to those I don't even know! You are the reason I write this. You are a blessing to me!<br /><br />Life is going good for me at the moment. While I know that can change in the blink of an eye, I'm learning to embrace the moment right now. Whether it's good or bad, I'm learning to embrace it.<br />I'm in a relationship now and couldn't be happier. Jesus is my number one love still, but He has given me someone that is beyond special!<br /><br /><span style="font-size:180%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">When times are good, you should be cheerful; when times are bad, think what it means. God makes them both to keep us from knowing what will happen next." Ecc. 7:14</span></span><br /><br /><br />Twister actually hasn't been around too much lately. I accomplished a very big goal this week when I woke up too late to workout before work. I was ok with it. Not happy about it at all. But Satan and Twister wanted me to freak out and let that little mishap get to me. But I refused! I called on my God and He told me everything was alright, so I listened to Him.<br />I was suppose to go back to the clinic last week but wasn't able to because of some insurance problems. So I will either go next week or the week after.<br /><br />I've still been hearing the lies. And at times giving into them. I found out my weight a few weeks ago by accident and freaked out a little, but somehow God gave peace and strength to my worrying heart. He's absolutely amazing and He's the reason I'm able to stand up and fight this disease every single day!<br /><br />I'm going to end with this quote I heard on Joyce Meyer's show the other morning and convicted me in so many ways. I pray that it speaks to your hearts as much as it spoke to mine!<br />(paraphrased) <span style="font-size:180%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">"When we talk about ourselves in negative ways, [i.e, i'm fat, ugly, useless, dumb, ect.] we're agreeing with the Enemy [Satan]. But if we would take a positive approach to our outlook on ourselves we'll be agreeing with God and all He thinks about us." </span></span>Kaitlynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05792269125397399793noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8730867791113109611.post-75361719154540955102010-05-06T11:33:00.003-05:002010-05-07T08:09:57.622-05:002 Year AnniversaryAs hard as it is for me to believe, today marks 2 years that I was hospitalized for severe complications due to anorexia. It doesn't seem like it's been that long...but then again it seems like it's been forever.<br /><br />The memories of laying in that hospital bed are still very vivid in my mind. I can remember the constant raging war going on in my mind. I remember the days that I felt so huge I just wanted to die. I can still remember the food I had to eat. The sinking feeling in my chest when it was time to eat...oh, and I certainly remember the many tornado warnings when I had to go out in the hallway!<br />The nights I cried myself to sleep when my parents had to leave...the 5 minute showers...the meal planning with my nutritionist...the talks with my occupational therapist...and the bet part, my time with my physical therapist when I actually got to stretch! The annoying fact that I couldn't get out of bed...I couldn't go to the bathroom without a nurse...the list goes on and on. People have no idea what it's like...it was a painful experience, but it kept me from dying.<br /><br />While I've had many relapses since being hospitalized, the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">hospital</span> jump started my recovery and got me going on the right path. It was a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">PAiNFUL</span> 8 days...but I wouldn't trade it for anything.<br /><br />Prayer got me through those nights, and the days and nights after that...I continue to pray to my amazing God for <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">deliverance</span>, healing and freedom from this deadly disease. Never will I stop praying...my God is an awesome God! (:<br /><br /><span style="font-size:180%;">"NEVER STOP <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">PRAYiNG</span>!"-1 Thessalonians 5:17</span>Kaitlynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05792269125397399793noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8730867791113109611.post-13010519782175239782010-04-27T15:39:00.002-05:002010-04-27T15:52:34.976-05:00Not Overcome.I just realized I have not posted in a very long time...ha!<br /><br />I've had a lot going on in my life lately. A lot of "normal" teenager stuff. While 99.9% of the time I'm overflowing with joy that it's actually happening in my life again, there are those rare moments when I'm drowning in the thoughts of Twister. He's slowly fading from my everyday life, but it's the major struggles and hills when he comes back. Whenever something tragic happens or I start stressing over anything, the first thought I think is to not eat. It's a battle I believe I will always fight.<br />My mom and I were talking about it this morning and it's a bit scary because I don't trust myself that much. I don't trust that I'll be able to continue in recovery when I move off to college and have to deal with the stress of living on my own in a new place, plus the school work and anything else I may be doing. The break up of a long term relationship. The death of someone very close to me. The weight gain when I have kids. How will I deal with these things? It's hard to trust myself when I feel like I deceive myself and have failed myself so many times. There are so many parts of an eating disorder's aftermath that people never see. The constant internal struggle and the fear of what will happen if we let ourselves slip up even once. But I do trust God...as long as I'm NOT trusting myself and I'm only trusting my God, I believe I will be <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">ok</span>. I know it will be extremely hard, but I know with Him, everything will be <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">ok</span>.<br /><br />There are so many things I've yet to overcome with my eating disorder. There are many things I have overcome, but many more I've yet to push completely out of my life. Most of the thoughts are still there. The body distortion is there, probably even worse. But when I realize the road I've yet to travel in my recovery, God reminds me to look back at all the steps I've already made....then I realize how far I've already come. It may not seem like much, but I can remember the times when I could not even make myself eat breakfast.<br />I'm approaching the 2 year anniversary of my hospitalization and it sounds crazy to say that....I can't believe it's really been that long since I hit rock bottom.Kaitlynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05792269125397399793noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8730867791113109611.post-66622230813933040962010-03-24T08:13:00.003-05:002010-03-31T09:15:38.442-05:00Another Lovely Day.I know it's been a while since I've posted...you know how things can get!<br /><br />I've actually had some ups and downs lately. To start off with, I've hurt my ankle somehow running and I've been forced by the doctors to stop running for now. WHOA...Twister has FREAKED! They thought I had a stress fracture, but the results of the bone scan show that I don't. So, we don't now whats wrong or what to do from here. I've still been able to do strength training (I've been doing P90x!) but I miss my runs so much! When I was first told to stop running for a while, I was having a LOT of old ED thoughts. Besides the running fact, they kind of came out of nowhere. Needless to say, I haven't ran in 3 weeks and it's <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">KiLLiNG</span> me!!!!<br /><br />Also, my self esteem and body image has dropped tremendously. I don't know what's happened, but it's took a big turn for the worse. Lately, I've looked in the mirror and wanted to cry. But then I realize when I do that, I'm not looking into <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">GOD's</span> mirror...I'm looking into mine. His is the only one that matters...why is it so hard for me to turn away from mine? I have an appointment with Dr. Vance (therapist) next week.<br /><br />God spoke to me this morning when Twister was actually spitting lies in my face about going back to him...and God told me that I don't have time for that. Time is so precious. Every day is a day closer to the end of this quickly fading world. Stop and look around and it's no doubt the Lover of our souls will soon make another appearance. So, if you are twisted up inside the grips of an eating disorder, please stop and take a moment. Evaluate what you're doing with you're precious life...don't worry, I'll be doing the same thing.<br /><br /><span style=";font-family:verdana;font-size:180%;" > Matthew 3:2 says, John said, "Change your hearts and lives because the kingdom of heaven is near."</span>Kaitlynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05792269125397399793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8730867791113109611.post-44805890308365991252010-03-01T13:35:00.002-06:002010-03-31T09:15:38.443-05:00Continuing the AwarenessSo National Eating Disorder Awareness week is over, but we should NOT use that as an excuse to stop raising awareness. Eating disorders are effecting more and more beautiful souls each and every day. Draining the life out of a special treasure designed by God with a purpose only he or she can accomplish. Now, what I've learned from experience is that when raising awareness, we must be careful NOT to glamorize them or to share tips on how to be a good anorexic or bulimic. It's so easy to do this. Before I started "real" recovery, in the stages where I would try to get better and then the next day fall right back into it, I read books. Don't read books people. Pretty much every book I read only hindered me walking forward in recovery. Now, there was definitely some points in some books that helped along the way and some quotes I still think about to this day. But, they have a danger of only making your ED worse. I found myself comparing myself to the girls in the books and see who lost more weight. Who exercised more and who ate less calories. It becomes a competition, and a dangerous one in that.<br /><br />Real recovery. Real courage. Real strength. And real healing, come only from self-discovery and God-discovery. I can guarantee you that anyone suffering from an ED is not found wholly in Christ. Not to say they can't be a Christian. But, God can't be their number one. Believe me, I know. I'm as guilty as anyone. Jesus said you can't serve two masters. So who is your god? It's about finding God and then allowing yourself to melt into the very being of His very nature.<br /><br />It's about time we continue to fight. We continue to lean into Jesus Christ, who is powerful above all. Continue in the strength He's given and the grace He is raining down upon us. It's about time we speak out and reveal the demon hiding in all the beautiful souls.Kaitlynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05792269125397399793noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8730867791113109611.post-52243203689119712602010-02-22T09:53:00.003-06:002010-03-31T09:15:38.443-05:00ED Awarness week Day 1Today starts Eating Disorder Awareness week, well I guess yesterday actually did, but I'm starting with today (:<br /><br />The whole time I've been thinking about ED week, Twister has been clawing at me big time...even as I write, He's telling me that what I am doing is wrong. I'm suppose to be <span style="font-style: italic;">for </span>eating disorders, not against them. Well, he's wrong. If I am for them, then I am on death's side. I am on Satan's side. I am on self destruction's side. Most of all, I'm not on God's side. For far too long, I've been pro-ana. In this stage of my recovery, my life, I am post pro-ana. It is time to move FORWARD. Not backwards. Early in my recovery, I had MANY relapses. Some small, some big enough that should have landed me back in the hospital or a treatment center. But I focus now not on who I was. Not on the struggles I've been through. Not on the mistakes I've made. And while I strongly believe these struggles and this pain has made me who I am today, it's time to be who I am. Not who I was. One foot in front of the other, I will become who I am. I will fight to end Eating Disorders. I will not stop until I have accomplished what God has set out for me to accomplish.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_SU0SVyM6_RJNEj4wQilyvaa0r-0C9gw44g0ubuG4A3e5St1lx1XaX0XltyIHELCiXSDHhzsXgGl9g1RXyhP_oLEdf0yEVSnjAZK5P3lOhqGey4ZgU-9JPrFu4PiY2ADY1zMFOsoZzRQ/s1600-h/ED+awareness+%2710.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 273px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_SU0SVyM6_RJNEj4wQilyvaa0r-0C9gw44g0ubuG4A3e5St1lx1XaX0XltyIHELCiXSDHhzsXgGl9g1RXyhP_oLEdf0yEVSnjAZK5P3lOhqGey4ZgU-9JPrFu4PiY2ADY1zMFOsoZzRQ/s320/ED+awareness+%2710.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5441098953321437602" border="0" /></a> <span style="color: rgb(204, 51, 204);"> </span><span style="color: rgb(204, 51, 204); font-style: italic;font-size:180%;" >"I am not a has-been. I am a will be.<span style="font-size: 85%;">"-Lauren Bacall</span></span>Kaitlynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05792269125397399793noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8730867791113109611.post-52832794118325289322010-02-18T11:07:00.002-06:002010-03-31T09:15:38.443-05:00Major Test, Major God (:I was in a pageant last weekend and there was a big mess with the winners. Long story short, they called me as the winner but I was suppose to get first alternate. Now, for those of you who know me personally, or those of you who struggle with an eating disorder, this is a major test. Twister could have cut me up inside with all kind of things! He could have pushed and pushed until I had fallen into his trap once again. But, I have a majorly big God. He got me through. I was <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">ok</span>. I didn't freak out. Now, I know <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">alot</span> has to do with the medicine I'm on, but most of it was my God. He silenced the voice of the Enemy with His tender words whispering how beautiful I am to Him. On top of this fiasco, I've been struggling with the new temptation Satan has found for me. Oh how he loves to torture me!!! But oh how my God loves!! And how His love washes all my fears and all my doubting!! As I've been going through a little bit of an uphill battle, it's been very hard to resist the temptation of my old ways. But in a way, it hasn't. I know whats there. There is nothing there to satisfy me anymore. If I was to go back to starving and over exercising, my heart would know the fullness that I've found in Christ...there's no way I can go back. A year ago, I wouldn't be comfortable saying that. I always felt I needed to be sick and I needed to want to go back. But I can't anymore. Yes, I still have thoughts. Don't get me wrong, it's still a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">DAiLY</span> battle...but I can't go back. There's no turning back now. I have a life to live. I have people to love. I have dreams to fulfill and I have a God to serve with passion and desire.Kaitlynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05792269125397399793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8730867791113109611.post-54519910281830705152010-02-12T16:09:00.007-06:002010-03-31T09:15:38.444-05:00Old Pictures<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbicr_4NglmQ1XDoHHstSWPPrFIYDkg0tz3gk_KgRipNia8N_KRpg7BJK9xuDXrp8sG7Sw5Ji0Zmncq3encyql0_QpLoXIJcc6zgtlbt1Fus3J8TpO0NIBfc4BaiXYSOTsahZu2AQr3C8/s1600-h/Mar.17,08_002.JPG"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 214px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbicr_4NglmQ1XDoHHstSWPPrFIYDkg0tz3gk_KgRipNia8N_KRpg7BJK9xuDXrp8sG7Sw5Ji0Zmncq3encyql0_QpLoXIJcc6zgtlbt1Fus3J8TpO0NIBfc4BaiXYSOTsahZu2AQr3C8/s320/Mar.17,08_002.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5437483907655000658" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjw8s_RXPsTQgKzFl1Dd50LUp9OsdplxzzHOIRPnjaK9U9w0y0KSy7JNbTX_XS9zb0dv2tEAWZax7rSs5ac5Uzt4sKT8g8Y7zjlecxICrmvDAyZHe-E-SNQeU3hGkT-tidufQRpVsw71Js/s1600-h/Mar.17,08_001.JPG"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjw8s_RXPsTQgKzFl1Dd50LUp9OsdplxzzHOIRPnjaK9U9w0y0KSy7JNbTX_XS9zb0dv2tEAWZax7rSs5ac5Uzt4sKT8g8Y7zjlecxICrmvDAyZHe-E-SNQeU3hGkT-tidufQRpVsw71Js/s320/Mar.17,08_001.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5437483803638870850" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbFuJfISsHwiNqchEmI3zEvPIMoYWUIFFJcYPVuEqTMKmfyxq3tnuBp0imb-I-vtSY2pdodZXvMIG7nd4tZHqVefNVt30_okapsFgMD8InJy21cWiKJappBpG2HbZDdEcNonZdoTGPE50/s1600-h/DSC_0190.JPG"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 214px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbFuJfISsHwiNqchEmI3zEvPIMoYWUIFFJcYPVuEqTMKmfyxq3tnuBp0imb-I-vtSY2pdodZXvMIG7nd4tZHqVefNVt30_okapsFgMD8InJy21cWiKJappBpG2HbZDdEcNonZdoTGPE50/s320/DSC_0190.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5437483658081102386" border="0" /></a>So, I started looking through these pictures the other day...they bring back VERY painful memories. These are the best ones where I was at my worst. These pictures in the pageant dress are from Feb. 2008...The ones with Preston and I and the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">cheerleading</span> one are in April 2008...and then the last ones are the ones that I took the day I was hospitalized in May of 2008. It's been a painful journey...and looking back I see how lifeless my face was. How I was NOT living. I was barely surviving, somehow. Honestly, I see no change in my body. I thought I was fat then and I still believe I am fat. Now, in my arms I can definitely tell how skinny they were, but my stomach, I don't see it. It does not look anorexic skinny to me. Now like I said, I can totally tell a difference in my face. I looked <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">HORRiBLE</span>!! And to think, girls think this is "beautiful"??? What has happened to this world? We must find that in Christ we are loved and accepted. He is enough for us. He calls us beautiful. And He looks at the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">iNSiDE</span>!!!!! These are old pictures, but I am a new Kaitlyn. I still have a long way to go...but I have certainly came a long way. <br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_I7BIEO42Fy_WlXj4-laCwmwx7J44DEvzHEUim5OsoW6jb9cCYwtWOdsUZXD-c1RnkId24VOU_h8glGCDen_KvDz5Bucok8uPDZd1qsp10J8VNBE-2FgsocDl42bEhPjCQ9dyAG8iLv4/s1600-h/DSC_0189.JPG"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_I7BIEO42Fy_WlXj4-laCwmwx7J44DEvzHEUim5OsoW6jb9cCYwtWOdsUZXD-c1RnkId24VOU_h8glGCDen_KvDz5Bucok8uPDZd1qsp10J8VNBE-2FgsocDl42bEhPjCQ9dyAG8iLv4/s320/DSC_0189.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5437483470829481986" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">"Anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" -2 Corinthians 5:17</span></span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzGUcKp5mtEfEOIhctefLQWkMPbZ015Axi9p9uTucrwQMB2eWPQWC1oKejQwkmwrCWMXhzuMzN-dMh6xdtTLUiEHg6ZMVqOHQsVizW2HcPxnSg4LWJQYwrpiJOB00JzGl8RYSHVe7ZCB4/s1600-h/DSC_0129.JPG"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 208px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzGUcKp5mtEfEOIhctefLQWkMPbZ015Axi9p9uTucrwQMB2eWPQWC1oKejQwkmwrCWMXhzuMzN-dMh6xdtTLUiEHg6ZMVqOHQsVizW2HcPxnSg4LWJQYwrpiJOB00JzGl8RYSHVe7ZCB4/s320/DSC_0129.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5437483299323372338" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHHOKyjj3p_3WomMwRoWzOvb8k4iIsF4Ow_Lq2yL_xPu-XNYg4LgAKlpAboBC-dlqaVPI69VKH7FDBoFyKWR0Mn90XPtTEuCctv2l-cxG-yKfW2eWtUMLZmOrtto18EJF5U3ig5aEZKNU/s1600-h/100_7874.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHHOKyjj3p_3WomMwRoWzOvb8k4iIsF4Ow_Lq2yL_xPu-XNYg4LgAKlpAboBC-dlqaVPI69VKH7FDBoFyKWR0Mn90XPtTEuCctv2l-cxG-yKfW2eWtUMLZmOrtto18EJF5U3ig5aEZKNU/s320/100_7874.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5437482894991899122" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHfZHt7XcRWmxb-36lSUzQqfW_R4LCKothP3d_vveH1A0Gh_e-43oTRB82zBFxVXw3UMNxaYVKAnEfBAWGaMST5ECmHd12hSO99oQKB4ABbLcikssfinL_FpIIAnp0v6J-Rk1nWIUB6UE/s1600-h/100_7873.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHfZHt7XcRWmxb-36lSUzQqfW_R4LCKothP3d_vveH1A0Gh_e-43oTRB82zBFxVXw3UMNxaYVKAnEfBAWGaMST5ECmHd12hSO99oQKB4ABbLcikssfinL_FpIIAnp0v6J-Rk1nWIUB6UE/s320/100_7873.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5437482892713942882" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNexWFPojK5gpIIvQjp7igIc2t9feJ9xyBj6ZBk86ZDcW9YmrPRNadqPY_k-vAoMwPZB2Bbsyi2ZCeKxQqKxrN5ux9DlLh2XZ6FEZ8ukmehIedqmpFHbpVIvcxSPCec98ss64ubTuN6go/s1600-h/100_7868.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNexWFPojK5gpIIvQjp7igIc2t9feJ9xyBj6ZBk86ZDcW9YmrPRNadqPY_k-vAoMwPZB2Bbsyi2ZCeKxQqKxrN5ux9DlLh2XZ6FEZ8ukmehIedqmpFHbpVIvcxSPCec98ss64ubTuN6go/s320/100_7868.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5437482887421816050" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjczH-beDfOcr4VZp-EHR97wX80kEzagVRlIEbbbHML8tCgiB3iPtjQ_y7lbSNrFcl1GRhVrFeZ5BeUq6dOry4TJbJMGeC6dVragzV2qJRxkkXL-q7TVqsJe78XITH0otqD5C0tiOuiV9g/s1600-h/100_7867.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjczH-beDfOcr4VZp-EHR97wX80kEzagVRlIEbbbHML8tCgiB3iPtjQ_y7lbSNrFcl1GRhVrFeZ5BeUq6dOry4TJbJMGeC6dVragzV2qJRxkkXL-q7TVqsJe78XITH0otqD5C0tiOuiV9g/s320/100_7867.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5437482880650178050" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjspDk7kCMemmYN_NW4Elqbg1SoDQ626paS3w3jZUanrkpNPiYOwBc2ILNOG4Odw3aDsPmM1z8i-rmLBymVIj4JkJysnINOrGXbS7SeiQ-WNYbDA_PIHlIKzUPT2euEeLkAe0q_Z1Hs3uw/s1600-h/100_7867(2).jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjspDk7kCMemmYN_NW4Elqbg1SoDQ626paS3w3jZUanrkpNPiYOwBc2ILNOG4Odw3aDsPmM1z8i-rmLBymVIj4JkJysnINOrGXbS7SeiQ-WNYbDA_PIHlIKzUPT2euEeLkAe0q_Z1Hs3uw/s320/100_7867(2).jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5437482871424136930" border="0" /></a>Kaitlynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05792269125397399793noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8730867791113109611.post-43214819020364065132010-01-12T12:15:00.003-06:002010-03-31T09:15:38.482-05:00Long Time, No Clinic.I'm headed to the clinic today, for the first time in about 3 months. We've had to change insurance and with Christmas, New Years, and everything else we've had going on I've had to cancel my appointments A LOT ...so I'm FiNALLY going today.<br /><br />I've still been doing good, still have my good days and bad days, but as I predicted, the good days are starting to out number the bad ones. I'm getting stronger as Twister's voice is becoming smaller and God's voice is becoming louder. I'll post when I can about my visit. And I have a few more things to post about, as of now, I need to get ready to go! haha<br /><br />God Bless...Stay Strong My Beautiful Warriors, I'm in this fight with you!!! (:Kaitlynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05792269125397399793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8730867791113109611.post-9303885430447829572009-12-24T16:29:00.002-06:002010-03-31T09:15:38.483-05:00MERRY CHRiSTMAS!!!!!Hello <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Lovely's</span> (:<br /><br />Hope everyone is having a wonderful Christmas season!! I just wanted to wish everyone a VERY MERRY <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">CHRiSTMAS</span>. In the midst of all the craziness and excitement during this time of the year, don't forget why we celebrate this holiday. Jesus is the reason for the season. Now and forevermore. Through God's gracious love and surrender, we are now able to live. For Jesus Christ was born a virgin birth, into a world of sin. A perfect Lamb, born to be slain. The greatest act of LOVE and SURRENDER was displayed through Jesus' birth and His death. Let us surrender all we hold onto, and hold onto <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">NOTHiNG</span> but the hand of our astounding GOD! Life is too short, take it in, embrace it, live it...don't waste it.<br /><br />I hope and pray everyone has an absolutely fabulous Christmas. God Bless <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">yall</span>!!! (:Kaitlynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05792269125397399793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8730867791113109611.post-57481763358488440132009-12-14T15:32:00.003-06:002010-03-31T09:15:38.483-05:00Running from Twister, into JESUS!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvSXQgn1KDhHvLAGCsKEyjpu7lq7OLH_BXXgGLNohUAD6VVRnTb1PweYn65_RO3YErf7I0sfyv-6sSaM7W_aBKjHomGz_u5D7no8uvKlN1oAgdIxl2J-tIEd_dvr_4TiH64A3AaAQ0AnE/s1600-h/DSC_0401.JPG"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvSXQgn1KDhHvLAGCsKEyjpu7lq7OLH_BXXgGLNohUAD6VVRnTb1PweYn65_RO3YErf7I0sfyv-6sSaM7W_aBKjHomGz_u5D7no8uvKlN1oAgdIxl2J-tIEd_dvr_4TiH64A3AaAQ0AnE/s320/DSC_0401.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5415211005341921202" border="0" /></a>Well, I ran my very first 5k on Saturday! It was a HUGE accomplishment, not only for me personally, but in my recovery as well. A year and a half ago, there was NO way I could physically run 3.1 miles. My body was malnourished and in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">HORRiBLE</span> condition. I probably would have severely dehydrated and be admitted to the hospital. God is truly amazing. He has brought me this far, and half the way I fought with Him!!!! I don't understand it, I don't get it, I can only thank Him.<br /><br />I thought the first mile was going to kill me, it was SUPER hilly! But I pushed myself. I made a <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjaHWRPf6_ykivUJtz_q_8yFHJXXTsqWC5o-z0_DyQf1od0dhpf7i8rEGU-wu1RGALOQQW-zsXXTehfbsLHFztxe6QOm9UkzLFSgiOOnwBrr0ih8CY0oQimXsc0DrHjt_hipdp4VfBRoU/s1600-h/DSC_0395.JPG"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjaHWRPf6_ykivUJtz_q_8yFHJXXTsqWC5o-z0_DyQf1od0dhpf7i8rEGU-wu1RGALOQQW-zsXXTehfbsLHFztxe6QOm9UkzLFSgiOOnwBrr0ih8CY0oQimXsc0DrHjt_hipdp4VfBRoU/s320/DSC_0395.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5415211008802295458" border="0" /></a>goal and I was NOT going to back down no matter what. (that's my perfectionism kicking in!) As I was running, God reminded me of my favorite verses to think about while I'm running. He pointed out something very vivid to me... it says, "Let us run with perseverance the race set before us..." not run fast, not run perfectly, but with PERSEVERANCE. Pushing through all the pain and up hill battles. Oh how I love JESUS!<br /><br />I actually finished pretty good! I finished with a time of 28.09, I was the second female to cross the finish line and I won my age division. It was pretty much a FABULOUS day!<br />I'm going to run another 5K this weekend and I know this one is a flat course, so hopefully I'll get an even better time! :)<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:180%;" >"Since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with PERSEVERANCE the race marked out for us.Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith..." -HEBREWS 12:1-2</span>Kaitlynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05792269125397399793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8730867791113109611.post-9815998125830895422009-12-09T17:38:00.002-06:002010-03-31T09:15:38.483-05:00SURViVORI made a new running playlist and as I was running this morning this song was playing...God revealed to me that this is a song I can turn around and look at as me saying it to Twister. It's crazy. I can't explain it. The Lord simply reminded me that I must fight to be a survivor of this deadly disease. I'm better without it...i'm stronger without starving myself, imagine that! ;)<br /><br /> If you struggle with any kind of eating disorder, read these lyrics and think about it. It will blow your mind (:<br /><div style="text-align: center; font-weight: bold;">SURViVOR<br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Now that you are out of my life,<br />I'm so much better,<br />You thought that I'd be weak without ya,<br />But I'm stronger,<br />You thought that I'd be broke without ya,<br />But I'm richer,<br />You thought that I'd be sad without ya,<br />I laugh harder,<br />You thought I wouldn't grow without ya,<br />Now I'm wiser,<br />You thought that I'd be helpless without ya,<br />But I'm smarter,<br />You thought that I'd be stressed without ya,<br />But I'm chillin'<br />You thought I wouldn't sell without ya,<br />Sold nine million.<br /><br />I'm a survivor,<br />I'm not gonna give up,<br />I'm not gon' stop,<br />I'm gonna work harder,<br />I'm a survivor,<br />I'm gonna make it,<br />I will survive,<br />Keep on survivin',<br />I'm a survivor,<br />I'm not gonna give up,<br />I'm not gon' stop,<br />I'm gonna work harder,<br />I'm a survivor,<br />I'm gonna make it,<br />I will survive,<br />Keep on survivin'.<br /><br />Thought I couldn't breathe without you,<br />I'm inhalin'<br />You thought I couldn't see without you,<br />Perfect vision,<br />You thought I couldn't last without ya,<br />But I'm lastin'<br />You thought that I would die without ya,<br />But I'm livin'<br />Thought that I would fail without ya,<br />But I'm on top,<br />Though it would be over by now,<br />But it won't stop,<br />You thought that I would self-destruct,<br />But I'm still here,<br />Even in my years to come,<br />I'm still gon' be here.<br /><br /><br />I'm a survivor,<br />I'm not gonna give up,<br />I'm not gon' stop,<br />I'm gonna work harder,<br />I'm a survivor,<br />I'm gonna make it,<br />I will survive,<br />Keep on survivin',<br />I'm a survivor,<br />I'm not gonna give up,<br />I'm not gon' stop,<br />I'm gonna work harder,<br />I'm a survivor,<br />I'm gonna make it,<br />I will survive,<br />Keep on survivin'.<br /><br />I'm wishin' you the best,<br />Pray that you are blessed,<br />Much success, no stress, and lots of happiness,<br />(I'm better than that)<br />I'm not gonna blast you on the radio,<br />(I'm better than that)<br />I'm not gonna lie on you or your family, yo,<br />(I'm better than that)<br />I'm not gonna hate you in the magazine,<br />(I'm better than that)<br />I'm not gonna compromise my Christianity,<br />(I'm better than that)<br />You know I'm not gonna diss you on the Internet<br />Cause my momma told me better than that.<br /><br />I'm a survivor,<br />I'm not gonna give up,<br />I'm not gon' stop,<br />I'm gonna work harder,<br />I'm a survivor,<br />I'm gonna make it,<br />I will survive,<br />Keep on survivin',<br />I'm a survivor,<br />I'm not gonna give up,<br />I'm not gon' stop,<br />I'm gonna work harder,<br />I'm a survivor,<br />I'm gonna make it,<br />I will survive,<br />Keep on survivin'.<br /><br /><br />After all of the darkness and sadness,<br />Still comes happiness,<br />If I surround myself with positive things,<br />I'll gain prosperity.<br /><br /><br />I'm a survivor,<br />I'm not gonna give up,<br />I'm not gon' stop,<br />I'm gonna work harder,<br />I'm a survivor,<br />I'm gonna make it,<br />I will survive,<br />Keep on survivin',<br />I'm a survivor,<br />I'm not gonna give up,<br />I'm not gon' stop<br />I'm gonna work harder,<br />I'm a survivor,<br />I'm gonna make it,<br />I will survive,<br />Keep on survivin'.<br /><br /><br /></div>Kaitlynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05792269125397399793noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8730867791113109611.post-31685592365427718302009-11-28T12:59:00.006-06:002010-03-31T09:15:38.484-05:00The Ugly SideEverywhere you look, the world seems to be glamorizing thinness. Anorexia. Bulimia. Eating Disorders. Young girls see teenagers, even girls not much older than them, becoming deathly thin and they begin to believe that this is beautiful. From the surface, eating disorders can seem beautiful. They can seem glamorous. They can seem harmless, just a means of loosing some weight and feeling good about yourself. But what outsiders do not realize is the ugly side of eating disorders, which are MANY.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0x5pY5ydBbekrDfMafz8WX045g7qkUOP0eVirFK7DSs-INnIplMuFf_lQMy67pkmW384PDtlfExxGivX4ciQ5VJVV383Exic4EHR3wlvFh0Oz5oiCrpygNFeju5vOSMDIhSUKwxcfxYg/s1600/ana2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 133px; height: 105px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0x5pY5ydBbekrDfMafz8WX045g7qkUOP0eVirFK7DSs-INnIplMuFf_lQMy67pkmW384PDtlfExxGivX4ciQ5VJVV383Exic4EHR3wlvFh0Oz5oiCrpygNFeju5vOSMDIhSUKwxcfxYg/s320/ana2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5409244649570468034" border="0" /></a><br />People don't realize or could even begin to understand what you go through with an eating disorder. The side effects and pain you go <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">th</span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTQzVsh4KglNTW0qWIZR0bUfJLtob3buHRzcGds6lg1WAPEoBhZrA9G04jSnvPx1VkpIsFSZ0E6AaNWrqY7keksaE4jWjRlOc1dJ0gWFImp81UTkLexRWegjiwmiOrHIcWTBxmUdlOW4s/s1600/Anorexia.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 170px; height: 216px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTQzVsh4KglNTW0qWIZR0bUfJLtob3buHRzcGds6lg1WAPEoBhZrA9G04jSnvPx1VkpIsFSZ0E6AaNWrqY7keksaE4jWjRlOc1dJ0gWFImp81UTkLexRWegjiwmiOrHIcWTBxmUdlOW4s/s320/Anorexia.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5409244956480108706" border="0" /></a>rough is not even close to worth being thin and "beautiful". I don't think I ever described my stay in the hospital...I believe I need to do that.<br /><br />I was admitted into Children's Hospital on May 6, 2008 and was released 8 days later. I was weighed, measured for height, and told to change and get into the bed. I was hooked up to IV fluids and had <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">blood work</span> done. My sink was taped off. My bathroom was locked. My trash cans were taken out of the room, as well as the latex gloves. I could have no bags hid<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-BpbbrB1R7p7dFy5sTInVrjAjrybSBXThLut9_bJ9a1A7Ewn4JbtlC96LaFDjA0270U_zDsyL2KbKlwnEO7rgn3bRVIWLN_Aw-1ItfFBFamJ3K55GdO7DunRo4PZXcizvv9efap6Ruv4/s1600/bulimia-anorexia.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 222px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-BpbbrB1R7p7dFy5sTInVrjAjrybSBXThLut9_bJ9a1A7Ewn4JbtlC96LaFDjA0270U_zDsyL2KbKlwnEO7rgn3bRVIWLN_Aw-1ItfFBFamJ3K55GdO7DunRo4PZXcizvv9efap6Ruv4/s320/bulimia-anorexia.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5409244957665237090" border="0" /></a>den in drawers. And I could bring no gum, candy or food. Now, the sink being taped off, bathroom locked and trash can and gloves taken out were mostly for girls with bulimia who would binge. Which I didn't do, but they had to take the precautions anyway. The absolute hardest thing (besides the eating ) was that I had only 5 minutes each day to get out of my bed, take a shower and get back in the bed. Other than that, the only time I was allowed to get out of bed was when I went to the restroom, which was very annoying since my bathroom was locked and I had to call a nurse EVERY time I had to go!! I had <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">blood work</span> done at least twice a day. I had food that was placed in front of me that I was to eat, and if I didn't eat it I had to drink the equivalent in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Ensure's</span>. If I refused to drink the Ensure, they would insert a feeding tube. My family could not be in there while I ate, but a nurse HAD to be to make sure I wasn't hiding food. My parent's couldn't stay over night. My door had to be open at all times so the nurses could make sure I wasn't getting up and exercising. Needless to say, the day I was released was one of the best days of my life!!<br /><br />Also some ugly sides that come with eating disorders are: you loose your hair. I used to have <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">THiCK</span> hair, but once I got very sick, you would have never known. My hair still isn't as thick as it used to be. You also are cold ALL the time. I was never warm. Everyone around me would be burning up and I would be freezing with a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">hoodie</span> on. Your body grows a layer of hair all over your body to try and keep your body warm. The hair on your arms grown very long trying to insulate your body. You are weak ALL the time. I could never do anything. I was tired ALL the time, taking naps pretty much everyday. Anorexics are very vulnerable to osteoporosis. And dry skin. Oh my gosh! My skin used to be dry 24/7 from being so <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">severely</span> dehydrated. It was <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">horrible</span>. Bulimics risk rupture of the esophagus from the frequent binging. The teeth become yellow and decay from stomach acids as well. There are MANY other health consequences from all kinds of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">ED's</span> which I do not have time to share.<br /><a href="http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/p.asp?WebPage_ID=286&Profile_ID=41143"><br />Click here</a> to read about the health consequences from the NEDA.<br /><br />When you are controlled by an ED, basically, you are a salve to an ED. Your a zombie, that was created for more, but becomes lost in the dangers of trying to be perfect, thin, in control, and beautiful.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsYTJUP3tKlF8at27uCgAuARI1pwV4Q8ZENzhM8ASBIKUTlpfxbgkJHPchyphenhyphenysvM3M27xII9adXdh7HLhkAQ_0mDAgsfNpX-jSg_54qM_G0Qd0ooNSqctQZsV_1LBm3WtbizrSHQAnC1Z4/s1600/ana.png"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 180px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsYTJUP3tKlF8at27uCgAuARI1pwV4Q8ZENzhM8ASBIKUTlpfxbgkJHPchyphenhyphenysvM3M27xII9adXdh7HLhkAQ_0mDAgsfNpX-jSg_54qM_G0Qd0ooNSqctQZsV_1LBm3WtbizrSHQAnC1Z4/s320/ana.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5409244169790251154" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Look at these pictures and tell me if this is "beautiful" to you, or if <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3RWb4g6vlhbJ9Ye8Sei1fUeEzzSZMGRUSC2FNu9hCBEwqpQ_elUNC1CxcJVGMJzwjmQ1mIGOqJSkt3wF4qf9YGWQHawlS9hgZmBvpgUtPaySTyJyvTzE2Z2MlSw02W53SjvwT6iOD02M/s1600/ana3.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 160px; height: 276px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3RWb4g6vlhbJ9Ye8Sei1fUeEzzSZMGRUSC2FNu9hCBEwqpQ_elUNC1CxcJVGMJzwjmQ1mIGOqJSkt3wF4qf9YGWQHawlS9hgZmBvpgUtPaySTyJyvTzE2Z2MlSw02W53SjvwT6iOD02M/s320/ana3.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5409244175784193362" border="0" /></a>it truly makes you see the ugly side of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">ED's</span>...it certainly makes me wonder why I am so addicted to them.Kaitlynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05792269125397399793noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8730867791113109611.post-23678225083279561152009-11-24T12:14:00.002-06:002010-03-31T09:15:38.484-05:00GRACE GiRLSWell, I did it. My first speech addressing my story with an eating disorder. This morning I spoke at CHS to the GRACE GiRLS. I was very nervous to start off with, but as I began to speak, God calmed my soul and it all felt natural. Basically, I told them about my whole experience. I tried to sum up all I could from my struggles. Now of course there was NO way to tell all of the things I went through, that would take FOREVER! But I can only pray that my story touched someone's heart. I shared with them what God has taught me. . . the simple truth that His grace is enough. I have need for nothing else when my Savior overwhelms me with grace EVERY single morning. I explained to them the dangers of eating disorders and some of the symptoms as well.<br /><br />You know, as soon as I got back to my car Satan started attacking me. I didn't realize until someone opened up this thought to me. But, thoughts of what I should have said or should not have said ran through my mind. My perfectionism started to take over again and I was beating myself up. An amazing woman of God shared with me that the same thing happens to her sometimes when she speaks and as she prayed about it she realized it was Satan trying to tear her down. That is exactly what he is doing. He can't stand me doing this, because I am now FiGHTiNG eating disorders, not supporting them. It tears him up to see me doing this and sharing my story. And that only makes me want to do it more!! I believe I have found another reason God allowed me to struggle with an eating disorder. . . could a some kind of speaker be in my future? Only God knows, but I commit to following where He leads.<br /><br />I'll post some notes in a little while!<br /><span style="font-size:180%;"><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">2 CORiNTHiANS 12:7-10</span></span>Kaitlynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05792269125397399793noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8730867791113109611.post-70247269361611097672009-11-09T13:14:00.007-06:002010-03-31T09:15:38.484-05:00Preparing to Re-Live It<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXvlDZaYZbK5DVEJvCaIjHRnDxNr0Pcn88IgNYSz7xLyCEMBiIvc9zUyBByfTWij7kPWC3U82LVFsRp1a6p-80SmFNnlrDVclsvTzOaMlw_p33hTY2LTZ3hm99uPuY-_UldYPed-gchzo/s1600-h/ED+survivor.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 289px; height: 289px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXvlDZaYZbK5DVEJvCaIjHRnDxNr0Pcn88IgNYSz7xLyCEMBiIvc9zUyBByfTWij7kPWC3U82LVFsRp1a6p-80SmFNnlrDVclsvTzOaMlw_p33hTY2LTZ3hm99uPuY-_UldYPed-gchzo/s320/ED+survivor.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5402187100721005090" border="0" /></a>Hey there all my beautiful people! :)<br />Hope everyone had an amazing weekend and a great start to a new week!<br /><br />I mentioned not long ago about speaking to the <span style="font-style: italic;">Grace Girls</span> at <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Childersburg</span> High School..well I talked to the woman over it last night and I am scheduled to speak on November 24, which is only two weeks away! I am super excited, as well as super nervous! I am starting to get everything prepared to speak, and as I do, it's a journey of re-living these dark moments. It's as if I am walking through the pain again as I stumble in the dark...but this time, it's as if I am only watching. How comforting to know I am now in the arms of Jesus and I don't have <span style="font-style: italic;">as much</span> pain from Twister as I did 2 years ago.<br /><br />Although I'm scared and nervous, I feel God calling me to this. I will not keep silent about the dangers of eating disorders that most people try to mask. I believe talking about my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">expierence</span> will not only help others, but help MYSELF. God revealed to me this morning that as I talk about my struggles with depression and eating disorders, it makes me more of a fighter. I am not on the same team as <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">ED's</span> anymore. Which actually scares me. I have been on Twister's "side" for so long, it's a risk to actually start fighting against him. Raising awareness and warning all those precious hearts out there is making me an enemy of the struggle that could have easily taken my life from me.<br /><br />This doesn't mean I am fully recovered, it only means I am now fighting. I have seen first hand what it is like to be caught in the midst of a serious eating disorder, and I have seen what it is like to actually LIVE outside the control of an eating disorder. And while there are times when I feel like falling back and giving up, it's the voice of my Savior that whispers His words of love and acceptance that draws me into <span style="font-weight: bold;">Him</span> instead of my self-destructive cycle.<br /><br />Please keep me in your prayers as I seek God's guidance as to what He wants me to say to all these girls who are so vulnerable to becoming victim to an ED. I desire to seek His words and His truth above anything else as I walk through this healing process and go where He leads!<br /><br />God is oh so GOOD!!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">"Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. </span><sup style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;" class="versenum" id="en-NLT-28010">2</sup><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"> Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory.</span><p style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NLT-28011">3</sup> We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. <sup class="versenum" id="en-NLT-28012">4</sup> And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. <sup class="versenum" id="en-NLT-28013">5</sup> And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love." <span style="font-size:180%;">-Romans 5:1-5</span><br /></p>Kaitlynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05792269125397399793noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8730867791113109611.post-38514545791960622192009-11-02T16:02:00.003-06:002010-03-31T09:15:38.485-05:00Milk Measuring<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2dm-MOwBXW1fxpEfYLyUc4nI-TX3Y2OpNzEQvOSEdZLyD9uFrSwxBWq2nPztQE94GOTG9OAcXDb1TCEPWMotMhD0BFmpG_ZQRVVkrHCoxtZHtnbUQ39DvZo7wHEp85U2CRW2z_hJPFys/s1600-h/glass-of-milk.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2dm-MOwBXW1fxpEfYLyUc4nI-TX3Y2OpNzEQvOSEdZLyD9uFrSwxBWq2nPztQE94GOTG9OAcXDb1TCEPWMotMhD0BFmpG_ZQRVVkrHCoxtZHtnbUQ39DvZo7wHEp85U2CRW2z_hJPFys/s320/glass-of-milk.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5399633458989417426" border="0" /></a>Hello :)<br /><br />Hope everyone is having a great week!! I can not believe it's already November! CRAZiNESS!!<br /><br />These past two weeks have been some pretty good ones. Made some accomplishments and got some new projects I have to do.<br />I went to my psychiatrist Tuesday and she upped my dosage on my anti-depressant. So far so good. I go back in a month so she can check and make sure everything is going good.<br /><br />I have made a big step, which to you may seen VERY small, but to me it's HUGE! I have started not measuring my milk at lunch. It's very hard...Dr. Vance and I talked about why I am so afraid to stop measuring and honestly I don't know. I guess a lot has to do with feeling like I will be out of control. Feeling like I will overeat. And feeling like I will be letting go of the tiny bit of Twister that I am still holding onto. I'm getting there, slowly...but I'm getting there!<br />One more step I have made was incorporating a food I used to eat into my diet again. Peanut Butter.<br />I ate peanut butter before I was hospitalized, while I was hospitalized and after I was released from the hospital. But, after my last really bad relapse, I stopped eating peanut butter and really started restricting my diet. Somehow, God has given me the strength to eat it again. I am proud of myself!! I had two PB sandwiches last week.<br /><br />My project with Dr. Vance is to cook a family meal once a week and eat it with my family. I have gotten into my rigid eating plan and only eat sandwiches at night. So once a week I am suppose to cook something that I can eat with the family. I will be doing that tomorrow and I am honestly a little afraid. I'm afraid of basically any kind of change (especially with my eating!!). I know I can do this...I'm just praying that God will grant me to the strength to make myself do it.<br /><br />Something that Dr. Vance is really worrying about is my diet. The way I have really restricted. It's not the food <span style="font-style: italic;">intake</span> that I am restricting now, it's the food <span style="font-style: italic;">variety</span>. I eat the same things everyday and it just goes to show I am not at all fully recovered.Kaitlynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05792269125397399793noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8730867791113109611.post-44269300889032439282009-10-20T12:01:00.003-05:002010-03-31T09:15:38.485-05:00MOViNG ON<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4ZAH7s4LhrRir30aptlRp-G37q7a7ezR1q84JgNRFS5HM-6Txm9xJnzhg5W2tbY8jzG3mt_5_L7qm2gVkCGHG7Bc8wFqKEXBEtALsV4foX2m1TUVbsEf9Q5BSSXgnF62frRrDe0uCO8k/s1600-h/moving+on.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 214px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4ZAH7s4LhrRir30aptlRp-G37q7a7ezR1q84JgNRFS5HM-6Txm9xJnzhg5W2tbY8jzG3mt_5_L7qm2gVkCGHG7Bc8wFqKEXBEtALsV4foX2m1TUVbsEf9Q5BSSXgnF62frRrDe0uCO8k/s320/moving+on.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5394729625498350050" border="0" /></a>Last week was clinic week. Everything went fine...still going about the same. Nothing new, good or bad. The only thing was I had to get some blood work done because they are thinking I am either anemic or my iron is low because I have been very tired lately. It's strange, but I'm actually used to getting poked! <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">haha</span> So it didn't really bother me.<br /><br />Still, they are waiting on me to stop measuring and for my menstrual cycles to regulate. Having irregular menstrual cycles is a warning sign for an eating disorder. Because of the very low <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">BMI</span>, the body cannot menstruate. I lost mine for about 2 years and have been adjusting to having it again.<br /><br />The measuring thing is just something Twister has me trapped in. In the beginning, measuring was something helpful when I first started eating regularly again because it made sure I was getting the amount I needed. Now, it's just something Twister has found for me to hold onto. A part of my ED that he has trapped me in. It's just something I feel I HAVE to do. I feel in "control" when I measure my food. No, it's NOT about the food...it's about the CONTROL. Anyone struggling with an ED will tell you that.<br /><br />Next week I go to Dr. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Muran</span> (my psychiatrist). My mom and I are going to talk to her about upping my medicine to a higher dose. I am also going to talk to her about running marathons and see what she thinks about that. I go to see her on Tuesday and then Dr. Vance (my psychologist) on Friday. I am ALWAYS going to doctors!!! <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">haha</span>! At least it isn't as bad as a year and a half ago.<br /><br />The main title for this post was how I feel about my ED right now. I feel as if I am moving on. I feel as if I have found more to life. I have found my true meaning...which is NOT to be anorexic, but to be a willing servant to my Almighty King. I was made by Him, for Him. He is my strength and my hope forever. I've found joy in the Lord, my Savior. I still stumble and fall, but it gives me a chance to learn from how I fell and allow m gracious Redeemer to pick me up again. Life is so much better...I smile so much brighter...I love so much deeper...and I hide no more behind a skeleton, now that I am <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">MOViNG</span> ON.<br /><br />I am excited to tell you all that I will be speaking to a group at <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Childersburg</span> High School called <span style="font-style: italic;">Grace Girls.</span> An amazing lady that attends my church is over it, she is the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">english</span> teacher there, and she asked me to come and speak about my <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">experience</span> with eating <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">disorders</span>. God has shown me that I can by NO means prevent eating disorders. It's not possible. That it can happen to anyone. But what I can do is raise awareness of this life and death struggle that is so often hidden. As well as share my story to shed some light on the dangers, effects, and healing from Jesus Christ that comes along with this deadly disease we call EATING DISORDERS.Kaitlynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05792269125397399793noreply@blogger.com3