Don't Lose It All...

Rules and Restrictions

2011-08-24T15:00:00.002-05:00

November 15, 2007

"I went to my second visit with Dr. B today and I really don't like going. I mean REALLY, REALLY don't like to.
He told me I had to gain weight or I would have to go to some special doctor and he would drive me crazy. He also told me if I lost more weight I could end up in the hospital with feeding tubes and stuff... I have to start drinking some kind of drinks to give me more calories. He said I needed 500 more calories per day. OMG!! Thats A LOT! I know I need to get better, it's just really hard to let go of some of these restrictions and rules I have for myself."

I HATED going to my first therapist. With a passion I hated it. I think it was because he was a male and I didn't feel comfortable. Not sure, but i dreaded it every week. I can remember the exact feelings I had when I wrote these words. I remember when he first told me to start drinking Ensure's. 500 cals was way too many to add to my diet. Not just to me, but simply to an eating disorder patient in general. You don't start off with that many...it makes our ED go wild! There are so may rule's eating disorder patient's have it would take me days to list them all. Most of mine had to do with what I would eat, when I would eat it, how much I would eat, and how much I needed to exercise to burn it off. I lived by these rule's. I lived by how many calories my ED would allow me to eat that day. Rule's take over. They control the brain. They control the life.

I finally BROKE the rules. ;)

Saying My Goodbyes? Or Saying New Hello's?

2011-07-27T14:12:00.002-05:00

November 13, 2007
"Me and ED have been doing pretty good the past few days. He's really in control right now. I think to just want to see how much weight I can lose before I go to see my therapist because he said I would have to start gaining weight. He told me to say my good-bye's to Ed. In a way, I don't want to. I want to lose more weight. Why am I thinking like this? I'm so messed up. Will I ever be free from Ed?"

There goes the war again. I want to get better but I don't. It never ended. This specific entry was when my therapist told me I must say goodbye to my eating disorders. I don't think that's possible. There will always be part of my eating disorder with me...I just had to learn how to live away from it's grip. As you can see, I did not say my goodbyes. I said new hello's. I started losing more weight. This therapist and I did not groove together. There was just something seriously WEiRD about him. I didn't like him, so I didn't listen to him. When I didn't listen to him, my eating disorder got a tighter grip on me. I not only began losing more weight, I learned to tricks to get around not eating. New ways to hide it from my parents. New ways to kill myself...

The War

2011-07-25T13:45:00.002-05:00

I found my old journal recently and began reading it...it is filled with my eating disorder moments. I decided to share some of them with you all. This will help some of you get into the mind of someone with an eating disorder.

November 10, 2007
"I wish this war would stop. The war inside of me. I feel exactly like Paul, like he said in Romans 7:22-25. I'm torn between wanting to get better, knowing what I'm doing is wrong, and wanting to be thinner. It's back and forth all the time. I just don't see how I can keep doing this. I get so frustrated at myself. Why can't I see beauty the way God does? Why can't I see myself the way God does? In the Bible it says that if a man loves the world or anything in it he doesn't have God in him. That hurts me. I'm being worldly. And that means I don't have God in me? It breaks my heart.
I don't see how a month or so ago I had such this drive to get better...and then now I just don't feel it anymore. I just want to lose weight and be skinnier. Why won't this end?"

This wasn't too long after I began going to my first physcologist...but I believe I had stopped seeing him at the time I wrote this.
I can remember these feelings like it was yesterday. One moment of the day I wanted to get better...the next moment my mind was consumed with thoughts of starvation and exercise. It truly is a war inside. But the war CAN be won. I remember the day God broke through to me, saved my life and made my eating disorder surrender. That doesn't mean it left me completely, but it did give me the strength to fight the occasional battles I was faced with. I was in this war for so long, it haunts me when I read this journal entry....but makes me smile at the same time, knowing that I HAVE obtained ViCTORY!

I'm Going Places ;)

2011-04-29T17:32:00.002-05:00

Hi there!
I say this every time...but it's been way too long since I've posted. I have GOT to get back into this!

A lot of things have been going on in my life here lately. God has been stirring up so many things it is unbelievable! First of all, I spoke at the Women's Conference at my church back in Feb. Over 200 women there heard my story...it was amazing! God certainly had a plan for that day because I met someone very special who had been struggling with the same issues for a very long time. I'm telling you, God was ALL over that speech!

I then spoke to almost every girl in my high school about my struggle. Then, about a month ago I had the honor of hosting a booth at the Sylacauga High School health fair. That experience was completely AMAZING! I was able to share my story with so many students as well as educate them on the dangers of eating disorders. Then, next Tuesday I will be speaking to the entire Nichols Lawson (Syl. Middle School) student body about eating disorders. I am so amazed at how many doors God has opened for me.

I would have never thought that those days and nights of hopelessness would turn into something far bigger than I could ever imagine. Those few years where the worst years of my life...but I would not trade them for ANYTHING in the world. I went through this to help others, I have no doubt about that.

My God is amazing...I honestly cannot wait to see the things He will continue to do. (:

I tried to post some pictures of the health fair...but they won't load...I'll try again later!

It's Time To Talk About It

2011-02-11T13:51:00.002-06:00

Eating disorder awareness week is coming up SOON. Like, in two weeks!!!
The theme of this year is "It's Time To Talk About It". As I was thinking about that the other day it really hit me...ED's are not talked about. It's like the world seems to think it's some horror word that you don't speak of. But it's NOT.

Eating disorders are pretty much all about secrets. You keep secret the pain that's deep inside. You keep secret the binging and purging, the starving and over exercising, and so much more. When we don't talk about it, it's not only hurting ourselves, but others. Our loved ones around us as well as those struggling who need to know they are not alone.
I've been speaking at a lot of places here recently and I still have many other speaking arrangements lined up...and what I've learned already is that it's so beneficial to TALK ABOUT iT! I can't tell you the lives I've touched already just by sharing my story.

Not talking about it is what Satan wants us to do. Because when we talk about it, we show others what God has to offer vs. what ED's have to offer and He far outweighs them! When we talk about it, we encourage the beautiful young (and old) hearts out there. And when we encourage them, they get stronger. When they are stronger, it's harder for Satan to take them down.

Like with any problem, addiction, or pain, it's important to talk about eating disorders. It's vital to recovery. It's vital to your life.

Please keep me in your prayers as I prepare to speak about my story in these upcoming weeks. God is using me in mighty ways and I'm trusting Him fully!

Love yall!!!!

The Look.

2011-01-04T14:55:00.003-06:00

There's something that has really been bothering me lately...it's been brought to my attention that many people, well, the WORLD actually, think that you have to have the LOOK of an eating disorder to actually have one.
Ed's have no special look that they go for. They come in all kind of shapes and sizes. The body is only an outward sign of an eating disorder...and many people know how to cover that up while they struggle.
On another note, I don't LOOK like i have an eating disorder anymore. But I do. Most of you thought i was recovered. I'm not. Never will be. My eating disorder will always be with me. But it will not always be a part of my life. I say this to say that people can be in recovery, but still have an eating disorder...even though they don't look like it.

Ed's don't discriminate against sex, size, shape, hair color, skin color...NOTHiNG.

So we must stop labeling eating disorders to a certain look. Anyone can fall victim.

My mom shared this article with me about a boy who struggled with anorexia and i thought it was interesting. Read it if you have time.

http://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/30/male-anorexia-one-boys-story/?icid=main|htmlws-main-w|dl3|sec1_lnk3|193341

Stay Strong Beautifuls!
God is on your side!!!
--kaitlyn

The Continual Struggle

2010-09-29T14:28:00.002-05:00

I know it's been a LONG while since I've posted but with school starting back, football season, working, and everything else in between, I've been super busy!

I've been asked a LOT lately by friends and family how I've been doing. I, of course, give the "right answer" and tell them I'm doing good. Am I really? With eating and maintaining my weight, yes, I believe I am. BUT, the ED thoughts are slowly creeping back into my mind. I honestly don't know why. But boy has it been hard not to give into the thoughts! I've had a LOT of fat days lately. I've thought about skipping meals here and there, but haven't. The thoughts of "am I enough" are becoming the theme of my life again, and I HATE it.

Now, I'm not saying all this to depress anyone or try and give myself a pity party. I'm simply showing you, especially those who are struggling with an ED, that it is a CONTINUOUS struggle. A CONTINUOUS fight. And with God, a CONTINUOUS victory. I honestly don't know how I've gotten through these days without giving into Twister. Or maybe I do. Maybe it's my amazing God. He quietly whispers His love to me and somehow it makes me stronger. I realize why I'm here and I realize life is worth living for HiM.

This feeling comes only with an intimate relationship with Christ. If you don't have it, your missing out. I promise you, it will forever be the best decision of your life!

STAY STRONG BEAUTiFULS!!! (:

The Mystery of Life

2010-08-06T08:30:00.003-05:00

It seems like forever since I've written on here!

I want to first thank you all for your sweet comments, especially to those I don't even know! You are the reason I write this. You are a blessing to me!

Life is going good for me at the moment. While I know that can change in the blink of an eye, I'm learning to embrace the moment right now. Whether it's good or bad, I'm learning to embrace it.
I'm in a relationship now and couldn't be happier. Jesus is my number one love still, but He has given me someone that is beyond special!

When times are good, you should be cheerful; when times are bad, think what it means. God makes them both to keep us from knowing what will happen next." Ecc. 7:14

Twister actually hasn't been around too much lately. I accomplished a very big goal this week when I woke up too late to workout before work. I was ok with it. Not happy about it at all. But Satan and Twister wanted me to freak out and let that little mishap get to me. But I refused! I called on my God and He told me everything was alright, so I listened to Him.
I was suppose to go back to the clinic last week but wasn't able to because of some insurance problems. So I will either go next week or the week after.

I've still been hearing the lies. And at times giving into them. I found out my weight a few weeks ago by accident and freaked out a little, but somehow God gave peace and strength to my worrying heart. He's absolutely amazing and He's the reason I'm able to stand up and fight this disease every single day!

I'm going to end with this quote I heard on Joyce Meyer's show the other morning and convicted me in so many ways. I pray that it speaks to your hearts as much as it spoke to mine!
(paraphrased) "When we talk about ourselves in negative ways, [i.e, i'm fat, ugly, useless, dumb, ect.] we're agreeing with the Enemy [Satan]. But if we would take a positive approach to our outlook on ourselves we'll be agreeing with God and all He thinks about us."

2 Year Anniversary

2010-05-06T11:33:00.003-05:00

As hard as it is for me to believe, today marks 2 years that I was hospitalized for severe complications due to anorexia. It doesn't seem like it's been that long...but then again it seems like it's been forever.

The memories of laying in that hospital bed are still very vivid in my mind. I can remember the constant raging war going on in my mind. I remember the days that I felt so huge I just wanted to die. I can still remember the food I had to eat. The sinking feeling in my chest when it was time to eat...oh, and I certainly remember the many tornado warnings when I had to go out in the hallway!
The nights I cried myself to sleep when my parents had to leave...the 5 minute showers...the meal planning with my nutritionist...the talks with my occupational therapist...and the bet part, my time with my physical therapist when I actually got to stretch! The annoying fact that I couldn't get out of bed...I couldn't go to the bathroom without a nurse...the list goes on and on. People have no idea what it's like...it was a painful experience, but it kept me from dying.

While I've had many relapses since being hospitalized, the hospital jump started my recovery and got me going on the right path. It was a PAiNFUL 8 days...but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Prayer got me through those nights, and the days and nights after that...I continue to pray to my amazing God for deliverance, healing and freedom from this deadly disease. Never will I stop praying...my God is an awesome God! (:

"NEVER STOP PRAYiNG!"-1 Thessalonians 5:17

Not Overcome.

2010-04-27T15:39:00.002-05:00

I just realized I have not posted in a very long time...ha!

I've had a lot going on in my life lately. A lot of "normal" teenager stuff. While 99.9% of the time I'm overflowing with joy that it's actually happening in my life again, there are those rare moments when I'm drowning in the thoughts of Twister. He's slowly fading from my everyday life, but it's the major struggles and hills when he comes back. Whenever something tragic happens or I start stressing over anything, the first thought I think is to not eat. It's a battle I believe I will always fight.
My mom and I were talking about it this morning and it's a bit scary because I don't trust myself that much. I don't trust that I'll be able to continue in recovery when I move off to college and have to deal with the stress of living on my own in a new place, plus the school work and anything else I may be doing. The break up of a long term relationship. The death of someone very close to me. The weight gain when I have kids. How will I deal with these things? It's hard to trust myself when I feel like I deceive myself and have failed myself so many times. There are so many parts of an eating disorder's aftermath that people never see. The constant internal struggle and the fear of what will happen if we let ourselves slip up even once. But I do trust God...as long as I'm NOT trusting myself and I'm only trusting my God, I believe I will be ok. I know it will be extremely hard, but I know with Him, everything will be ok.

There are so many things I've yet to overcome with my eating disorder. There are many things I have overcome, but many more I've yet to push completely out of my life. Most of the thoughts are still there. The body distortion is there, probably even worse. But when I realize the road I've yet to travel in my recovery, God reminds me to look back at all the steps I've already made....then I realize how far I've already come. It may not seem like much, but I can remember the times when I could not even make myself eat breakfast.
I'm approaching the 2 year anniversary of my hospitalization and it sounds crazy to say that....I can't believe it's really been that long since I hit rock bottom.

Another Lovely Day.

2010-03-24T08:13:00.003-05:00

I know it's been a while since I've posted...you know how things can get!

I've actually had some ups and downs lately. To start off with, I've hurt my ankle somehow running and I've been forced by the doctors to stop running for now. WHOA...Twister has FREAKED! They thought I had a stress fracture, but the results of the bone scan show that I don't. So, we don't now whats wrong or what to do from here. I've still been able to do strength training (I've been doing P90x!) but I miss my runs so much! When I was first told to stop running for a while, I was having a LOT of old ED thoughts. Besides the running fact, they kind of came out of nowhere. Needless to say, I haven't ran in 3 weeks and it's KiLLiNG me!!!!

Also, my self esteem and body image has dropped tremendously. I don't know what's happened, but it's took a big turn for the worse. Lately, I've looked in the mirror and wanted to cry. But then I realize when I do that, I'm not looking into GOD's mirror...I'm looking into mine. His is the only one that matters...why is it so hard for me to turn away from mine? I have an appointment with Dr. Vance (therapist) next week.

God spoke to me this morning when Twister was actually spitting lies in my face about going back to him...and God told me that I don't have time for that. Time is so precious. Every day is a day closer to the end of this quickly fading world. Stop and look around and it's no doubt the Lover of our souls will soon make another appearance. So, if you are twisted up inside the grips of an eating disorder, please stop and take a moment. Evaluate what you're doing with you're precious life...don't worry, I'll be doing the same thing.

Matthew 3:2 says, John said, "Change your hearts and lives because the kingdom of heaven is near."

Continuing the Awareness

2010-03-01T13:35:00.002-06:00

So National Eating Disorder Awareness week is over, but we should NOT use that as an excuse to stop raising awareness. Eating disorders are effecting more and more beautiful souls each and every day. Draining the life out of a special treasure designed by God with a purpose only he or she can accomplish. Now, what I've learned from experience is that when raising awareness, we must be careful NOT to glamorize them or to share tips on how to be a good anorexic or bulimic. It's so easy to do this. Before I started "real" recovery, in the stages where I would try to get better and then the next day fall right back into it, I read books. Don't read books people. Pretty much every book I read only hindered me walking forward in recovery. Now, there was definitely some points in some books that helped along the way and some quotes I still think about to this day. But, they have a danger of only making your ED worse. I found myself comparing myself to the girls in the books and see who lost more weight. Who exercised more and who ate less calories. It becomes a competition, and a dangerous one in that.

Real recovery. Real courage. Real strength. And real healing, come only from self-discovery and God-discovery. I can guarantee you that anyone suffering from an ED is not found wholly in Christ. Not to say they can't be a Christian. But, God can't be their number one. Believe me, I know. I'm as guilty as anyone. Jesus said you can't serve two masters. So who is your god? It's about finding God and then allowing yourself to melt into the very being of His very nature.

It's about time we continue to fight. We continue to lean into Jesus Christ, who is powerful above all. Continue in the strength He's given and the grace He is raining down upon us. It's about time we speak out and reveal the demon hiding in all the beautiful souls.

ED Awarness week Day 1

2010-02-22T09:53:00.003-06:00

Today starts Eating Disorder Awareness week, well I guess yesterday actually did, but I'm starting with today (:

The whole time I've been thinking about ED week, Twister has been clawing at me big time...even as I write, He's telling me that what I am doing is wrong. I'm suppose to be for eating disorders, not against them. Well, he's wrong. If I am for them, then I am on death's side. I am on Satan's side. I am on self destruction's side. Most of all, I'm not on God's side. For far too long, I've been pro-ana. In this stage of my recovery, my life, I am post pro-ana. It is time to move FORWARD. Not backwards. Early in my recovery, I had MANY relapses. Some small, some big enough that should have landed me back in the hospital or a treatment center. But I focus now not on who I was. Not on the struggles I've been through. Not on the mistakes I've made. And while I strongly believe these struggles and this pain has made me who I am today, it's time to be who I am. Not who I was. One foot in front of the other, I will become who I am. I will fight to end Eating Disorders. I will not stop until I have accomplished what God has set out for me to accomplish.

"I am not a has-been. I am a will be."-Lauren Bacall

Major Test, Major God (:

2010-02-18T11:07:00.002-06:00

I was in a pageant last weekend and there was a big mess with the winners. Long story short, they called me as the winner but I was suppose to get first alternate. Now, for those of you who know me personally, or those of you who struggle with an eating disorder, this is a major test. Twister could have cut me up inside with all kind of things! He could have pushed and pushed until I had fallen into his trap once again. But, I have a majorly big God. He got me through. I was ok. I didn't freak out. Now, I know alot has to do with the medicine I'm on, but most of it was my God. He silenced the voice of the Enemy with His tender words whispering how beautiful I am to Him. On top of this fiasco, I've been struggling with the new temptation Satan has found for me. Oh how he loves to torture me!!! But oh how my God loves!! And how His love washes all my fears and all my doubting!! As I've been going through a little bit of an uphill battle, it's been very hard to resist the temptation of my old ways. But in a way, it hasn't. I know whats there. There is nothing there to satisfy me anymore. If I was to go back to starving and over exercising, my heart would know the fullness that I've found in Christ...there's no way I can go back. A year ago, I wouldn't be comfortable saying that. I always felt I needed to be sick and I needed to want to go back. But I can't anymore. Yes, I still have thoughts. Don't get me wrong, it's still a DAiLY battle...but I can't go back. There's no turning back now. I have a life to live. I have people to love. I have dreams to fulfill and I have a God to serve with passion and desire.

Old Pictures

2010-02-12T16:09:00.007-06:00

So, I started looking through these pictures the other day...they bring back VERY painful memories. These are the best ones where I was at my worst. These pictures in the pageant dress are from Feb. 2008...The ones with Preston and I and the cheerleading one are in April 2008...and then the last ones are the ones that I took the day I was hospitalized in May of 2008. It's been a painful journey...and looking back I see how lifeless my face was. How I was NOT living. I was barely surviving, somehow. Honestly, I see no change in my body. I thought I was fat then and I still believe I am fat. Now, in my arms I can definitely tell how skinny they were, but my stomach, I don't see it. It does not look anorexic skinny to me. Now like I said, I can totally tell a difference in my face. I looked HORRiBLE!! And to think, girls think this is "beautiful"??? What has happened to this world? We must find that in Christ we are loved and accepted. He is enough for us. He calls us beautiful. And He looks at the iNSiDE!!!!! These are old pictures, but I am a new Kaitlyn. I still have a long way to go...but I have certainly came a long way.
"Anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" -2 Corinthians 5:17

Long Time, No Clinic.

2010-01-12T12:15:00.003-06:00

I'm headed to the clinic today, for the first time in about 3 months. We've had to change insurance and with Christmas, New Years, and everything else we've had going on I've had to cancel my appointments A LOT ...so I'm FiNALLY going today.

I've still been doing good, still have my good days and bad days, but as I predicted, the good days are starting to out number the bad ones. I'm getting stronger as Twister's voice is becoming smaller and God's voice is becoming louder. I'll post when I can about my visit. And I have a few more things to post about, as of now, I need to get ready to go! haha

God Bless...Stay Strong My Beautiful Warriors, I'm in this fight with you!!! (:

MERRY CHRiSTMAS!!!!!

2009-12-24T16:29:00.002-06:00

Hello Lovely's (:

Hope everyone is having a wonderful Christmas season!! I just wanted to wish everyone a VERY MERRY CHRiSTMAS. In the midst of all the craziness and excitement during this time of the year, don't forget why we celebrate this holiday. Jesus is the reason for the season. Now and forevermore. Through God's gracious love and surrender, we are now able to live. For Jesus Christ was born a virgin birth, into a world of sin. A perfect Lamb, born to be slain. The greatest act of LOVE and SURRENDER was displayed through Jesus' birth and His death. Let us surrender all we hold onto, and hold onto NOTHiNG but the hand of our astounding GOD! Life is too short, take it in, embrace it, live it...don't waste it.

I hope and pray everyone has an absolutely fabulous Christmas. God Bless yall!!! (:

Running from Twister, into JESUS!

2009-12-14T15:32:00.003-06:00

Well, I ran my very first 5k on Saturday! It was a HUGE accomplishment, not only for me personally, but in my recovery as well. A year and a half ago, there was NO way I could physically run 3.1 miles. My body was malnourished and in HORRiBLE condition. I probably would have severely dehydrated and be admitted to the hospital. God is truly amazing. He has brought me this far, and half the way I fought with Him!!!! I don't understand it, I don't get it, I can only thank Him.

I thought the first mile was going to kill me, it was SUPER hilly! But I pushed myself. I made a goal and I was NOT going to back down no matter what. (that's my perfectionism kicking in!) As I was running, God reminded me of my favorite verses to think about while I'm running. He pointed out something very vivid to me... it says, "Let us run with perseverance the race set before us..." not run fast, not run perfectly, but with PERSEVERANCE. Pushing through all the pain and up hill battles. Oh how I love JESUS!

I actually finished pretty good! I finished with a time of 28.09, I was the second female to cross the finish line and I won my age division. It was pretty much a FABULOUS day!
I'm going to run another 5K this weekend and I know this one is a flat course, so hopefully I'll get an even better time! :)

"Since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with PERSEVERANCE the race marked out for us.Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith..." -HEBREWS 12:1-2

SURViVOR

2009-12-09T17:38:00.002-06:00

I made a new running playlist and as I was running this morning this song was playing...God revealed to me that this is a song I can turn around and look at as me saying it to Twister. It's crazy. I can't explain it. The Lord simply reminded me that I must fight to be a survivor of this deadly disease. I'm better without it...i'm stronger without starving myself, imagine that! ;)

If you struggle with any kind of eating disorder, read these lyrics and think about it. It will blow your mind (:

SURViVOR

Now that you are out of my life,
I'm so much better,
You thought that I'd be weak without ya,
But I'm stronger,
You thought that I'd be broke without ya,
But I'm richer,
You thought that I'd be sad without ya,
I laugh harder,
You thought I wouldn't grow without ya,
Now I'm wiser,
You thought that I'd be helpless without ya,
But I'm smarter,
You thought that I'd be stressed without ya,
But I'm chillin'
You thought I wouldn't sell without ya,
Sold nine million.

I'm a survivor,
I'm not gonna give up,
I'm not gon' stop,
I'm gonna work harder,
I'm a survivor,
I'm gonna make it,
I will survive,
Keep on survivin',
I'm a survivor,
I'm not gonna give up,
I'm not gon' stop,
I'm gonna work harder,
I'm a survivor,
I'm gonna make it,
I will survive,
Keep on survivin'.

Thought I couldn't breathe without you,
I'm inhalin'
You thought I couldn't see without you,
Perfect vision,
You thought I couldn't last without ya,
But I'm lastin'
You thought that I would die without ya,
But I'm livin'
Thought that I would fail without ya,
But I'm on top,
Though it would be over by now,
But it won't stop,
You thought that I would self-destruct,
But I'm still here,
Even in my years to come,
I'm still gon' be here.

I'm a survivor,
I'm not gonna give up,
I'm not gon' stop,
I'm gonna work harder,
I'm a survivor,
I'm gonna make it,
I will survive,
Keep on survivin',
I'm a survivor,
I'm not gonna give up,
I'm not gon' stop,
I'm gonna work harder,
I'm a survivor,
I'm gonna make it,
I will survive,
Keep on survivin'.

I'm wishin' you the best,
Pray that you are blessed,
Much success, no stress, and lots of happiness,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna blast you on the radio,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna lie on you or your family, yo,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna hate you in the magazine,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna compromise my Christianity,
(I'm better than that)
You know I'm not gonna diss you on the Internet
Cause my momma told me better than that.

I'm a survivor,
I'm not gonna give up,
I'm not gon' stop,
I'm gonna work harder,
I'm a survivor,
I'm gonna make it,
I will survive,
Keep on survivin',
I'm a survivor,
I'm not gonna give up,
I'm not gon' stop,
I'm gonna work harder,
I'm a survivor,
I'm gonna make it,
I will survive,
Keep on survivin'.

After all of the darkness and sadness,
Still comes happiness,
If I surround myself with positive things,
I'll gain prosperity.

I'm a survivor,
I'm not gonna give up,
I'm not gon' stop,
I'm gonna work harder,
I'm a survivor,
I'm gonna make it,
I will survive,
Keep on survivin',
I'm a survivor,
I'm not gonna give up,
I'm not gon' stop
I'm gonna work harder,
I'm a survivor,
I'm gonna make it,
I will survive,
Keep on survivin'.

The Ugly Side

2009-11-28T12:59:00.006-06:00

Everywhere you look, the world seems to be glamorizing thinness. Anorexia. Bulimia. Eating Disorders. Young girls see teenagers, even girls not much older than them, becoming deathly thin and they begin to believe that this is beautiful. From the surface, eating disorders can seem beautiful. They can seem glamorous. They can seem harmless, just a means of loosing some weight and feeling good about yourself. But what outsiders do not realize is the ugly side of eating disorders, which are MANY.

People don't realize or could even begin to understand what you go through with an eating disorder. The side effects and pain you go through is not even close to worth being thin and "beautiful". I don't think I ever described my stay in the hospital...I believe I need to do that.

I was admitted into Children's Hospital on May 6, 2008 and was released 8 days later. I was weighed, measured for height, and told to change and get into the bed. I was hooked up to IV fluids and had blood work done. My sink was taped off. My bathroom was locked. My trash cans were taken out of the room, as well as the latex gloves. I could have no bags hidden in drawers. And I could bring no gum, candy or food. Now, the sink being taped off, bathroom locked and trash can and gloves taken out were mostly for girls with bulimia who would binge. Which I didn't do, but they had to take the precautions anyway. The absolute hardest thing (besides the eating ) was that I had only 5 minutes each day to get out of my bed, take a shower and get back in the bed. Other than that, the only time I was allowed to get out of bed was when I went to the restroom, which was very annoying since my bathroom was locked and I had to call a nurse EVERY time I had to go!! I had blood work done at least twice a day. I had food that was placed in front of me that I was to eat, and if I didn't eat it I had to drink the equivalent in Ensure's. If I refused to drink the Ensure, they would insert a feeding tube. My family could not be in there while I ate, but a nurse HAD to be to make sure I wasn't hiding food. My parent's couldn't stay over night. My door had to be open at all times so the nurses could make sure I wasn't getting up and exercising. Needless to say, the day I was released was one of the best days of my life!!

Also some ugly sides that come with eating disorders are: you loose your hair. I used to have THiCK hair, but once I got very sick, you would have never known. My hair still isn't as thick as it used to be. You also are cold ALL the time. I was never warm. Everyone around me would be burning up and I would be freezing with a hoodie on. Your body grows a layer of hair all over your body to try and keep your body warm. The hair on your arms grown very long trying to insulate your body. You are weak ALL the time. I could never do anything. I was tired ALL the time, taking naps pretty much everyday. Anorexics are very vulnerable to osteoporosis. And dry skin. Oh my gosh! My skin used to be dry 24/7 from being so severely dehydrated. It was horrible. Bulimics risk rupture of the esophagus from the frequent binging. The teeth become yellow and decay from stomach acids as well. There are MANY other health consequences from all kinds of ED's which I do not have time to share.

Click here to read about the health consequences from the NEDA.

When you are controlled by an ED, basically, you are a salve to an ED. Your a zombie, that was created for more, but becomes lost in the dangers of trying to be perfect, thin, in control, and beautiful.

Look at these pictures and tell me if this is "beautiful" to you, or if it truly makes you see the ugly side of ED's...it certainly makes me wonder why I am so addicted to them.

GRACE GiRLS

2009-11-24T12:14:00.002-06:00

Well, I did it. My first speech addressing my story with an eating disorder. This morning I spoke at CHS to the GRACE GiRLS. I was very nervous to start off with, but as I began to speak, God calmed my soul and it all felt natural. Basically, I told them about my whole experience. I tried to sum up all I could from my struggles. Now of course there was NO way to tell all of the things I went through, that would take FOREVER! But I can only pray that my story touched someone's heart. I shared with them what God has taught me. . . the simple truth that His grace is enough. I have need for nothing else when my Savior overwhelms me with grace EVERY single morning. I explained to them the dangers of eating disorders and some of the symptoms as well.

You know, as soon as I got back to my car Satan started attacking me. I didn't realize until someone opened up this thought to me. But, thoughts of what I should have said or should not have said ran through my mind. My perfectionism started to take over again and I was beating myself up. An amazing woman of God shared with me that the same thing happens to her sometimes when she speaks and as she prayed about it she realized it was Satan trying to tear her down. That is exactly what he is doing. He can't stand me doing this, because I am now FiGHTiNG eating disorders, not supporting them. It tears him up to see me doing this and sharing my story. And that only makes me want to do it more!! I believe I have found another reason God allowed me to struggle with an eating disorder. . . could a some kind of speaker be in my future? Only God knows, but I commit to following where He leads.

I'll post some notes in a little while!

2 CORiNTHiANS 12:7-10

Preparing to Re-Live It

2009-11-09T13:14:00.007-06:00

Hey there all my beautiful people! :)
Hope everyone had an amazing weekend and a great start to a new week!

I mentioned not long ago about speaking to the Grace Girls at Childersburg High School..well I talked to the woman over it last night and I am scheduled to speak on November 24, which is only two weeks away! I am super excited, as well as super nervous! I am starting to get everything prepared to speak, and as I do, it's a journey of re-living these dark moments. It's as if I am walking through the pain again as I stumble in the dark...but this time, it's as if I am only watching. How comforting to know I am now in the arms of Jesus and I don't have as much pain from Twister as I did 2 years ago.

Although I'm scared and nervous, I feel God calling me to this. I will not keep silent about the dangers of eating disorders that most people try to mask. I believe talking about my expierence will not only help others, but help MYSELF. God revealed to me this morning that as I talk about my struggles with depression and eating disorders, it makes me more of a fighter. I am not on the same team as ED's anymore. Which actually scares me. I have been on Twister's "side" for so long, it's a risk to actually start fighting against him. Raising awareness and warning all those precious hearts out there is making me an enemy of the struggle that could have easily taken my life from me.

This doesn't mean I am fully recovered, it only means I am now fighting. I have seen first hand what it is like to be caught in the midst of a serious eating disorder, and I have seen what it is like to actually LIVE outside the control of an eating disorder. And while there are times when I feel like falling back and giving up, it's the voice of my Savior that whispers His words of love and acceptance that draws me into Him instead of my self-destructive cycle.

Please keep me in your prayers as I seek God's guidance as to what He wants me to say to all these girls who are so vulnerable to becoming victim to an ED. I desire to seek His words and His truth above anything else as I walk through this healing process and go where He leads!

God is oh so GOOD!!

"Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. ² Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory.

³ We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. ⁴ And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. ⁵ And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love." -Romans 5:1-5

Milk Measuring

2009-11-02T16:02:00.003-06:00

Hello :)

Hope everyone is having a great week!! I can not believe it's already November! CRAZiNESS!!

These past two weeks have been some pretty good ones. Made some accomplishments and got some new projects I have to do.
I went to my psychiatrist Tuesday and she upped my dosage on my anti-depressant. So far so good. I go back in a month so she can check and make sure everything is going good.

I have made a big step, which to you may seen VERY small, but to me it's HUGE! I have started not measuring my milk at lunch. It's very hard...Dr. Vance and I talked about why I am so afraid to stop measuring and honestly I don't know. I guess a lot has to do with feeling like I will be out of control. Feeling like I will overeat. And feeling like I will be letting go of the tiny bit of Twister that I am still holding onto. I'm getting there, slowly...but I'm getting there!
One more step I have made was incorporating a food I used to eat into my diet again. Peanut Butter.
I ate peanut butter before I was hospitalized, while I was hospitalized and after I was released from the hospital. But, after my last really bad relapse, I stopped eating peanut butter and really started restricting my diet. Somehow, God has given me the strength to eat it again. I am proud of myself!! I had two PB sandwiches last week.

My project with Dr. Vance is to cook a family meal once a week and eat it with my family. I have gotten into my rigid eating plan and only eat sandwiches at night. So once a week I am suppose to cook something that I can eat with the family. I will be doing that tomorrow and I am honestly a little afraid. I'm afraid of basically any kind of change (especially with my eating!!). I know I can do this...I'm just praying that God will grant me to the strength to make myself do it.

Something that Dr. Vance is really worrying about is my diet. The way I have really restricted. It's not the food intake that I am restricting now, it's the food variety. I eat the same things everyday and it just goes to show I am not at all fully recovered.

MOViNG ON

2009-10-20T12:01:00.003-05:00

Last week was clinic week. Everything went fine...still going about the same. Nothing new, good or bad. The only thing was I had to get some blood work done because they are thinking I am either anemic or my iron is low because I have been very tired lately. It's strange, but I'm actually used to getting poked! haha So it didn't really bother me.

Still, they are waiting on me to stop measuring and for my menstrual cycles to regulate. Having irregular menstrual cycles is a warning sign for an eating disorder. Because of the very low BMI, the body cannot menstruate. I lost mine for about 2 years and have been adjusting to having it again.

The measuring thing is just something Twister has me trapped in. In the beginning, measuring was something helpful when I first started eating regularly again because it made sure I was getting the amount I needed. Now, it's just something Twister has found for me to hold onto. A part of my ED that he has trapped me in. It's just something I feel I HAVE to do. I feel in "control" when I measure my food. No, it's NOT about the food...it's about the CONTROL. Anyone struggling with an ED will tell you that.

Next week I go to Dr. Muran (my psychiatrist). My mom and I are going to talk to her about upping my medicine to a higher dose. I am also going to talk to her about running marathons and see what she thinks about that. I go to see her on Tuesday and then Dr. Vance (my psychologist) on Friday. I am ALWAYS going to doctors!!! haha! At least it isn't as bad as a year and a half ago.

The main title for this post was how I feel about my ED right now. I feel as if I am moving on. I feel as if I have found more to life. I have found my true meaning...which is NOT to be anorexic, but to be a willing servant to my Almighty King. I was made by Him, for Him. He is my strength and my hope forever. I've found joy in the Lord, my Savior. I still stumble and fall, but it gives me a chance to learn from how I fell and allow m gracious Redeemer to pick me up again. Life is so much better...I smile so much brighter...I love so much deeper...and I hide no more behind a skeleton, now that I am MOViNG ON.

I am excited to tell you all that I will be speaking to a group at Childersburg High School called Grace Girls. An amazing lady that attends my church is over it, she is the english teacher there, and she asked me to come and speak about my experience with eating disorders. God has shown me that I can by NO means prevent eating disorders. It's not possible. That it can happen to anyone. But what I can do is raise awareness of this life and death struggle that is so often hidden. As well as share my story to shed some light on the dangers, effects, and healing from Jesus Christ that comes along with this deadly disease we call EATING DISORDERS.

Lord, have YOUR way.

2009-10-07T13:21:00.002-05:00

Haven't posted in a while...I've been trying to get back into posting regularly, but it's not going as I planned!!

Anyway, last time I went to clinic, things went good. I gained. I am actually at 89% of my expected weight for height. They want me at 90 - 95% to release me. They also need my menstrual cycles to be regulated, as well as they need me to STOP measuring my food. I really don't know what to think about this...it's a little scary to think I am very close to NEVER having to go back to the clinic again, but then there is something freeing. I don't know, it's a mix of emotions and it's hard to sort through them.

Some things have awoken some of my old habits. Twister has called me back a time or two, but I am amazed at how much stronger I have gotten in a year and a half. I've resisted. I've fought. I have leaned on my Savior to get me through.

As I am brought to the realization of how many girls (and boys) are fighting this life and death battle with an ED, it breaks my heart. I would never ever want anyone on this earth to go through a fight like this. It is so worthless. It consumes your every being. I can't stress enough how DANGEROUS it is. It is NOT something to play with. And it can happen to anyone.
I can remember one night very vividly, I was sitting at the kitchen table with my family eating dinner. This was probably about 5 years ago...I can remember saying "I'll never be anorexic, I love to eat!" Little did I know that 4 years later I could be laying in a hospital bed due to complications caused by my anorexia.

I've come to see how many years I have followed my own way, or even worse, Twister's. I listened and believed the lies. I followed down the path of destruction destined to kill me. I took his hand and slowly slipped away from the hand of my Savior. But now, I am back in the arms of Jesus. Twister no longer has total control over my life. Now, I am not at all saying I am recovered, I am a recovering anorexic, not recovered. And I am not trying to sugar coat everything. But My life has so much more meaning now. I still have bad days. But as I move forward in this painful, trying, and beautiful recovery, I find the good days start to out number the bad ones.

I now commit my life to following the path of my Lord and Savior. My heart cries out daily that He leads me in His truth, His grace, His mercy, His strength and His love. I pray that i take hold of His hand my whole life. I pray that He teaches this battered and bruised soul how to soar high above the storms in my life. I can't do this on my own. I can't walk through this life on my own. I can't figure it out on my own. I can not control it, and believe me, I have tried every one of these! I need Him...even though I am not worthy, He heals me. He loves me. He treasures me. He restores every broken piece. I now place my hope and trust in Him...to the One who has saved me from the gates of hell. Saved me from the grasp of Twister and everyday saves me from myself.
He is guiding me, always and forever. The question I ask myself, is am I always following?

"Lead me by Your truth and teach me. For You are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in You." Psalm 25:5

Clinic Day

2009-09-15T12:25:00.002-05:00

Today I go back to the clinic. Last time I went was two weeks ago when I got in trouble for loosing 3 pounds and they started to notice my obsession with my workouts.

If you ask me, I know for a fact I've gained the weight back. I mean, I am on the same meal plan with about half the exercise I was doing. I have definitely gained weight. I'm afraid I've gained about 5 pounds and Twister is going to completely flip out!!! I'm trying to brace myself. I am trying to turn my back on the world's definition of beauty. Trying to turn my ears from the lies Twister throws at me. I am trying with all my might to just turn to my Jesus. To chase after my true purpose in life which is to bring Him praise and glory. In Him I find faith like a mountain that can not be shaken. In Him I find the strength to get through the day. In Him I discover joy beyond explanation that can never be taken away. I will stand my ground today. I will stand strong in the mighty power of my Lord.

I am a little anxious about what Bonnie is going to say about my measuring. Which is I'm still measuring everything except one food item at breakfast. She's not going to be happy. In the back of my mind, I'm desperately afraid that they are going to start talking about the treatment center again....I can't let that happen.

Again?

2009-09-01T18:43:00.003-05:00

I went to the clinic today and this is the first time I've been in a month. I have been sick the last few days with what I thought was the flu, but went to the dr. Friday and they said it was a severe throat infection.

Anyway...about the clinic. I got in trouble. It didn't go very well. I lost 3 lbs. Bonnie cut down my exercise and I'm going back in two weeks. I going to be honest. I've slipped back into some of my old habits these last few days. I've had a lot going on and been hit with a lot of stress, so Twister took over a little :/

Am I really slipping back into another relapse? I'm praying I am not. I have came too far. It scares me because the last time I started loosing weight and slipping, I wasn't able to stop myself. Bonnie and Dr. Sturdevant are very concerned about my this new obsession I have developed about working out. They are also very concerned about me not being able to stop measuring. I'm a little overwhelmed tonight.
I so desperately need the hand of my Savior right now...for He alone holds the strength I need to get through this daily fight. For He is the only One to make me strong, and KEEP me strong.

I'm asking for everyone's prayers right now. I do not want to turn around now, I have came way too far. I do not want to be admitted to a treatment center, I want to pursue the life my Lord and Savior has planned for me. I know it's my choice, it's ultimately in my hands as to how I handle all of this. I just know the power of prayer, and right now I'm desperately needing it.

"Jesus will keep you strong until the end so that there will be no wrong in you on the day our Lord Jesus Christ comes again.." 1 Corinthians 1:8

Still Holding A Purpose

2009-08-21T13:50:00.002-05:00

Yes, I am recovering from anorexia. Yes, I fight a battle inside. Yes, God still loves me. And yes, His purpose for me still stands.

I've had so many ups and downs these last few years. I have been through so many dark tunnels. I have cried so many tears. I have been through many valleys. But, I have also been on top of many mountains. I have seen the light break through the night. I have laughed many laughs and smiled many smiles. These few years have been some tough ones.

I've been going through some of my old blog posts and it has brought back many many memories. Some good ones, but then I've relived many dark times. I haven't been through all the posts, but I have read quite a few of them. And the scary thing is, I started this blog AFTER I was released from the hospital. So I still haven't been through my darkest times before that...

I am completely amazed at how I have taken this life and this heart through so many battles, rocky roads and valleys filled with thorns. I have chased after so many other lovers. I have worshiped my own idols. I have destroyed my body, the place where God's Holy Spirit dwells within me. But through it all, every time I broke a promise and cheated on Him, He still held my purpose in the palm of His hand. Waiting for the day when I would call upon His name....asking for His healing. Throwing away all the useless things I clung to and held tight to His hand. No matter what happened, my purpose still stood. It never changed...it amazes me. Blows my mind.

What an amazing God we serve. I treated Him bad. I have doubted His strength. I have refused His grace, mercy and strength...MANY times. I have questioned His love for me. But in the end, I am still His. I'm awestruck....my purpose still stands strong, even though I have battered and bruised it.

So, beautiful warrior...if you feel as if you have messed up the perfect plan Your Lord has for your life due to your own sinful mistakes, think again! No matter what you do, you never have enough power to change the plans He set out before you took one step in this crazy world. He will find a way around anything to make sure you fulfill the purpose He set before you. This isn't to mean that we should do whatever we want and trust He will turn it around, by no means! What I am saying is that if you are like me and have made mistakes that you feel have gotten you off the path God had you on and totally ruined your purpose in this life, there is hope. Your purpose still stands strong, firm and shinning beautifully in the Healing Hands of your One True Lover...Jesus Christ.

"I know that You can do all things and that no plan of Yours can be ruined." Job 42:2

"The plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of His heart through all generations." Psalm 33:11

Not Recovered, but Recovering Anorexic

2009-08-16T19:35:00.004-05:00

Wow...I didn't realize it had been so long since I posted!!!

I've had my bad days and times when I want to give up, but there has been more times when I've held on and stood strong. I've came a very long way and as I look back I'm amazed at how God has began this healing process. Not only is He daily healing my body and getting me back to health, He is healing my soul. I'm growing closer to Him and I'm learning more and more to accept the way He thinks about me.

I've been released to start back to cheerleading. I'm jogging every day (except Sunday) and also weight training. I don't have much more weight to gain until I am totally released from the clinic. I am still struggling VERY badly with measuring though. I am basically still measuring all my meals and thats the main thing holding me back from being released. Twister is fading away from many parts of my life, but there are still many aspects he still controls. There are still times when I turn to him when I become stressed or upset. I still lay in bed some nights and wish I was caught back up in that addicting cycle of my anorexia. I am still by no means recovered yet, I have come a long way in my physical recovery, but as for the mental, there are still many many things I have to work on. It's still a daily struggle. I am reminded of it every meal and every time I look in the mirror.

I am stronger now. Each day I learn to lean more on God. I am learning to focus more on Him and as I do, the fight becomes easier & I don't worry as much about my body. I still have a long way until I reach the end of this, but I guess thats the meaning of a "recovering anorexic."

Back to clinic

2009-06-16T12:13:00.003-05:00

I was suppose to go back to the clinic last week, but
Mama moved it to today. I'm actually not sure the exact reason! ha but I'm leaving in about 15 minutes so I'm doing a quick post.

I've still been doing about the same. Still jogging and weight training. Still eating...even though it's hard. It's still a daily battle. I still feel fat. Especailly my love handles :/

But I'm really ready to help other girls. It doesn't have to just be girls with anorexia or bulima, I just want to help girls that are struggling. Because I know all too well what it feels like to struggle on a daily basis.

Those who are wandering in the dark, God has called me to lead them into the light. But I can't do that if I'm still in the dark wandering around myself. It's just like the parable Jesus talked about in Matthew with the plank. You have to take the plank out of your eye so you can clearly see the tiny piece of dust in your friends eye.

Alright...I have to go. But I'll post as to how my appointment went. Hope everyone is having an AMAZING day! Our God is an awesome God :D

Up and Down, landed the same.

2009-06-01T15:16:00.003-05:00

Once again, I'm not doing good with updating my blog :/
My bad!!!!!!

I've had my ups and downs these last few weeks. Jogging is going GREAT! And so far I haven't taken it overboard. Twister (& Satan) are still whispering in my ear that I'm moving too fast. That I'm getting way too fat, way too normal. People don't look at me and see "ANOREXIC" anymore. But then I gotta ask myself, the real me, is that what I want people to see when they look at me. Do I want them to see someone who is so caught up in her body and the way she looks. Someone who cares more about her outward appearance than whats inside. Someone who has taken a healthy lifestyle and has turned it into her idol. Someone who destroys her body, the temple of her Savior, just to try and control the situations spinning out of control in her life. Or, do I want them to see a strong, goal-driven, woman of God. Someone who knows her worth isn't in the way she looks, what size clothes she wears or what number comes up on the scale. Someone who turns to God when life gets hard and worships Him when the storms start rolling. A girl who admits her weaknesses but embraces them in the grace and strength that comes deep from within from the nail-pierced Hands of the One who died for her. A girl who goes and tells the world about her Savior and how He has turned the darkest time of her life into the brightest and most inspiring time she has ever been through. Someone who is weak, but finds strength in her weakness. Someone who falls, but gets back up. Someone who doesn't give up when she is thrown into an unknown place. A girl that you can see Jesus walking beside.

I honestly don't know where all that came from. I just started typing and God was pouring through me. I've had a rough few weeks. Had some boy problems and a lot of tears. It's been so hard not to turn to Twister, but I'm trying my best to change that number one emergency call to the Savior and King of my life. It's been hard and I haven't pushed through every single day. I've felt far away from God and at times seriously wondered where He is. I've still got some of those feelings. But I've been reading "Peaks and Valleys" by T.D. Jakes, and I've come to realize that He's just on my left side right now. And the fact that I'm searching for Him and realize something is missing shows worship to Him, and it shows me that I know I can't get through this life on my own.

I'm on every two weeks at the clinic and I go back to Dr. Vance this Thursday. They kept everything with my meal plan the same as well as my exercise. So, right now I'm basically at the same spot. Still struggling with measuring my meals. Bonnie isn't too happy with that...so thats the thing she is pushing me toward right now. We'll see how it goes.

BIG step

2009-05-14T10:39:00.003-05:00

I went to the clinic Tuesday and I have made a big step in my recovery.
I am now released to start doing cardio. I started jogging yesterday and I am sooo sore!!! I had very mixed emotions about this. I am EXTREMELY excited about jogging, but then I feel like so much of Twister is fading away. And I know this sounds weird, but I don't know how much I want him gone. It's something I have held onto for so long that it's hard to accept that it's all starting to be taken away. Part of me feels freedom coming, I feel triumph on it's way...but then the other part feels fear. Fear of changing. Fear of letting go of something I have held SO tightly to for the past few years. Fear of the unknown. It's like God is taking me back through those days and back down the road I have traveled with exercising and enjoying my life, I know He is bringing me to where I belong. But, it's like I feel Twister so strongly pulling me back to the old road. God wants me to do it different this time, but Twister is trying to keep me in my comfort zone.

The verse I sent today really relates to my situation right now.... "I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her." Hosea 2:14---I feel as if God is taking away everything I have held onto for such a long time. He is striping away everything that I think fills me and satisfies my need for perfection, acceptance, attention, and self-worth. I don't always understand it. I feel dry...I feel like everything in my life is leaving me. But maybe, God is taking me to the desert so He can clearly speak to me. Put me in a place where I have nothing just so I can realize how much I need Him. So that He is the only One I see. I can truly listen to His tender, comforting words and soak them in. All my attention can be on Him. Maybe He is taking away everything that runs me dry so I'll know He is the only One who NEVER runs dry. When I'm in the desert, I have to remember that it isn't because God forgot about it. He just loves me that much that He will do anything to reach me.

Busy Busy week!

2009-05-11T09:52:00.002-05:00

Once again, I'm sorry for not posting in forever!
We had the yearly gymnastics recital this weekend and it's been crazy trying to get everything ready!!

I've been doing about the same. Had a few mess ups here and there, but all in all I'm still doing good. Last Wednesday was a year that I was hospitalized...I had some very mixed emotions about it. It was hard. Twister was telling me I needed to go back, but God was reminding me how dark that time was and how much more brighter life is now that I'm doing better. I mean it's weird to think that a year ago today I was laying in a hospital bed. I thought I would have been farther along and almost done with the clinic by now. But, I know for some reason God is allowing me to struggle. Maybe so I can learn to trust and lean on Him more. It's been a hard year. It doesn't seem like that long ago that there was a possibility that I could die if I didn't get help soon.....

Loooooong Time!!!

2009-04-29T11:25:00.002-05:00

It has been a really long time since I posted, forgive me! ha
I don't have alot of time to write today, this Friday at Scarred Matt Pitt from the Basement is coming! This is a HUGE opportunity for us, God has truly blessed us and He couldn't have done it at a better time. Anyway, so we are preparing for that and I've been very very busy!

But...yesterday was doctor day. I went to Dr. Vance and then to the clinic. I gained, but not that much. I'm still on the same meal plan, still doing strength training. They moved me to every two weeks, and surprisingly, I didn't freak! I'm ok with it. I feel stronger. I feel like this time is different. I feel as if God has a plan for me and it's time to quit focusing on being anorexic and focus on what He has in store for me. Last night at the Basement Matt kept saying "What you do on earth echos in eternity." And I asked myself, if all I accomplish is being the "best anorexic", do I really want that to echo in eternity? Or do I want many crowns earned for following my Savior and the plan He has for me. Serving Him and being the woman He created me to be.
Ok, I need to get off of here I have so much stuff to do!!

Oh, if you live around me turn your radio to 93.7 WDJC tonight. Me and some of the SCARRED leaders will be on the Jon Waldon show talking about Scarred!!! Never thought I would ever be on the radio...wow!!!!! :D

Stand in the Rain

2009-04-15T12:58:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was hard.

I almost slipped, I almost gave in.

People have been asking me how the Dr. went yesterday and the first thing I ask them is, "Do you want to know how it went for me or for my dr.'s?". Because they are two different answers!!

For the dr.'s, it went good. I gained. They were pleased and weren't mad at me this week!

For me, on the other hand, it wasn't so good. I felt very overwhelmed. Let me explain why, ok last week they were all very frustrated and were thinking about the treatment center, well this week I get released to start doing strength training. While I am super excited about working out, it seems really weird. It really scares me. I don't know the exact number I gained, but still I'm freaked out about it. I seriously almost just gave into Twister. He was whispering in my ear. He was wanting me to turn right back to him. I honestly wanted to. But he's had enough of me. There have been too many times when I turn and follow him. I'm not doing it this time. I went to the Basement and that really helped. He was talking about the heavenly crowns we get, and that the "crowns" here on earth don't mean a thing. I want the crown of persevering through this trial. I'm running to my Savior instead of the one who tears me down. Oh, and believe me Twister had something to say about this too.

He's telling me it won't last, I'll try for a little bit, fall and run back to him. But I'm tired of living afraid. He whispers if I stand I'll only fall down, I'm telling him I'm going to stand anyway.

I will stand in this storm. I feel the rain coming, but I'm going to show this storm who my God is. I'll make it through. Even though I feel like crashing down and staying there, I don't at all feel like standing through this. I'm still going to stand. Because my God is big. My God is strong. My God is loving. My God has a purpose for me.

"When the storm has swept by, the wicked are gone, but the righteous stand firm forever."

Proverbs 10:25

???Confused???

2009-04-08T14:00:00.002-05:00

I'm sorry for not posting lately...it's been crazy! You have NO clue!! haha

I had an amazing birthday party! So much fun! But, my actual birthday, not so much :/
So, I was going to go take my test Monday but we realized we didn't get my school enrollment form signed and the office is closed on Mondays. So, we went and got it signed on the way to the Dr. yesterday, and I was going this morning to get my license. Well, the girl that works for my mom had a wreck this morning and couldn't come work and she had an order that had to be done by 12 today. So, I still don't have my license. I'm very upset :(
We're going tomorrow morning, that is, if nothing else goes wrong. On Monday, the stress kinda go to me and I gave into Twister some...... :/

The clinic didn't go very well yesterday. Somehow I lost weight. I don't know why because I wasn't trying to, I mean I've been eating. My Dr's are really really frustrated and they are talking again about inpatient treatment. Along with that, they think I may be having heart palpitations so I had to go get an EKG done yesterday. All in all, this hasn't been a good week.

Please be praying that everything went ok with my EKG. Oh, and I'm back going to the clinic weekly again :/

The End/Hidden Treasure & The Pearl

2009-04-03T10:07:00.006-05:00

I'm so sorry for not posting lately, it's been crazy!!! I've moved my party up to this Saturday (tomorrow) so it's a little stressful. I decided not to have a big party so I could use that money to get a car sooner. So I'm just having a smaller party at my house. And, Scarred is tonight. So I've been at the church almost every night getting ready for that!!

Anyway.... I went to my psychiatrist Wednesday and she decided not to up my dosage yet. She said we may have to once I get out of school because all my "structure" would be gone and I wouldn't really have a schedule. So...for now I'm still on the same dosage.

Ok, get ready, I've got quite a bit of stuff to write about!!!!

When I signed up for that online Bible study, I received a personal mentor that goes over all the questions in my lesson. All of the mentors have had an eating disorder and have been through the same study. These are the truths that she defended to my lies that I believe.:

"I have to be skinny to receive attention" "I have to be skinny to be 'special'"
Truth: Your worth is in who God says you are. He made you in His own image, so he values you highly! "But the very hairs of your head are numbered. Do you not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows" -- Luke 12:7 NKJV

"People will notice me if my appearance looks good"
Truth: Prideful thoughts lead to a fall, but God is near to the humble in heart. He purchased you at a high price, and doesn't want you to be enslaved by the world. "How do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul in the process? Is anything worth more than your soul?" Matthew 16:26

"When I get stressed or something goes wrong, starving and/or exercise will control it"
Truth: Starving may give the false impression of control over stress or circumstances, but that is a lie from the devil who comes only to steal, kill and destroy. "Turn my eyes from worthless things, and give me life through your word." Psalm 119:37
Truth: Exercising in moderation has some value, but spiritual exercise has a more lasting value.
"Exercise thyself rather unto godliness. For bodily exercise profits little, but godliness is profitable unto all things, having promise of the life that now is, and of that which is to come." --1 Timothy 4:7-8

"I will never be pretty enough for anyone"
Truth: God made you unique and He loves you. He will help you with changes in your life to help you improve your health and lengthen your life. Choose to love yourself and value yourself by God's standards. Completion as a woman comes from our Creator. "I beseech you, therefore, brethren by the mercies of God that you present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, and that you may prove what is good and acceptable and perfect will of God." -- Romans 12:1-2 NKJV

The main thing that the lesson today was on was on the passage of Matthew 13:44-46, The Parable of the Hidden Treasure and the Pearl. '"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field. 'Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it." Matthew 13:44-46. It was talking about how our relationship with Jesus is like the hidden treasure or the pearl and our ED behaviors are "everything he had". When we find that true, intimate relationship with Jesus Christ, we want to go and throw away everything else so we can have Him. Here is an excerpt: "You see the kingdom of heaven, that is, a relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ, is of such value that it is compared with a costly pearl. This intimacy and fellowship with Christ that comes as we enter the kingdom of God is worth forsaking our previous starving, overeating, and purging, etc., to acquire. In reality, we are ridding our lives of worthless things in order to enjoy the precious and costly 'pearl' of the Lord Jesus."

I had to re-write the passage in my own words, and here's what I came up with:

A relationship with my One and only Savior is like a precious piece of treasure that I must be determined to find. When I find it, I hold it close and throw away all my habits of starving and over exercising. Again, my relationship with Jesus is like the most beautiful, elegant pearl I could ever find. When I find that one that is more beautiful than any I have seen, I grab it. I take hold of that intimate relationship. First, I must let go of all my starving and over exercising habits so that I can fully enjoy that relationship with Christ my Savior!!

Ok, so I guess this is the last thing I wanted to mention. My Text Ministry Verse from today:

"The end of a matter is better than it's beginning, and patience is better than pride." Ecc. 7:8. The beginning of our "storm", our hard time, our pain and struggle, isn't always the best. It can start off as horrible as we can imagine. It may get worse before it's finally over, but we have to remember the end is near. We have to remember God works everything out. Think for a minute about what Jesus had to go through. His journey was horrible in the beginning. His death on the cross seemed to only get worse. It was pain like we've never felt, inside and out. It was compassion we'll never be able to comprehend. It took patience we'll never be able to obtain. But through His patience and faithfulness, the end was so much better. The beginning may have been horrible, but in the end, He's alive and we receive life through Him. This shows that we have to be patient, trust in Him, and know that the end will be better. I think if our Savior can remain patient and faithful throughout His brutal death, we can manage our tiny struggles here. God knows the end to EVERY beginning. In the end, Jesus always has victory.

Radiant, throbbing heart/Lies

2009-03-31T11:23:00.009-05:00

"Then you will look and be radiant, your heart will throb and swell with joy." Isaiah 60:5. We have to give up. We have to stop wandering in the dark and just give up. Look up to our Savior and let His amazing, radiant light shine upon us. Once we do, our heart won't throb with the pain, struggles and temptations we go through. It will throb and swell with the joy, love and strength of our Lord. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this, but I'm doing an online Bible study course. The website is http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/. They have a Bible study for girls with anorexia and/or bulimia. It's called In His Image...I've been doing it for a few days now and it's really opened my eyes to a lot of things. Today the lesson was on the Truth Setting You Free. Kind of funny that I posted about that not long ago! Haha.. But anyways, it told me to list some of the lies that I believe. Whether I think they may be lies or I'm not sure, just to make a list.

Here's are the first few I thought of:

1) I have to be skinny to recieve attention.

2)I have to be skinny to be "special".

3) People will notice me if my appearance looks good.

4) I have to be perfect for anyone to accept me.

5)When I get stressed or something goes wrong, starving and/or exercise will control it.

6) I have to go to major extremes for my ED to be "bad enough".

7) I will never be pretty enough for anyone.

8) I have to be skinny, no matter what it costs.

This was hard, because it was facing those lies head on. It was really looking deep down and seeing what lies I've really been believing.

Then, it talked about how Satan is behind all these lies and how is native language his lying. He never tells the truth. He takes every little thing, every truth and turns it around and makes it into a lie. He's been doing it since the begining of time, remember what he told Eve, "'Your will not surely die,' the serpent said to the woman. 'For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.'" (Genesis 3:4-5) That is not what God told Adam and Eve. Satan has been lying since then and will keep lying. Then, it went on to say that God can't lie. Notice it's not even that He doesn't want to, God can't lie! How amazing is that? I mean someone that we can totally trust. He will never ever lie to us, "...it is impossible for God to lie," (Hebrews 6:18).

He doesn't lie to us. He doesn't tell us stuff so that we'll do something for Him, He teaches us the truth. But, it's our choice to listen to it and obey it. "Teacher, we know that you tell the truth. You don't favor individuals because of who they are. Rather, you teach the way of God truthfully. "(Mark 12:14).

They stated this verse that really spoke to me, "Turn me away from a life of lies. Graciously provide me with your teachings." (Psalms 119:29). I'm tired of believing all these lies. And the thing is, I pretty much know what the truth is. I know God's word, and I know what He says about me. But for some reason I choose to believe Satan(& Twister)'s lies. I'm praying that God will turn me away from all these lies and allow me to see His truth. To grab His hand and listen, as well as follow, His teachings.

"So Jesus said to those Jews who believed in him, 'If you live by what I say, you are truly my disciples.You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.'" -John 8:31-32

Bones (again...), but I gotta get up

2009-03-30T10:57:00.004-05:00

I'm struggling once again with not being able to feel my bones. For some reason, I find satisfaction by feeling and seeing my bones. Especially my ribs, hip bone, spine and collar bone. I've been struggling with this for the past few days but have been trying to fight through. It's been really difficult, but I've really been doing more stuff with my friends and I like that. I like not sitting at home on weekends anymore!! So I'm trying to keep telling myself that, I'm also reminding myself that I really want to play tennis.....and most of all, I'm reminding myself I have a life to live for my Savior. I'm doing pretty good, I've had mess ups here and there, but I'm trying to push through.

"Rise from the dirt! Free yourself from the rope around your neck." Isaiah 52:2. Maybe I've fallen a few times this past week, but I'm willing to let God pick me back up, dust me off, take off the rope that Twister ties aroud my neck and keep going. I have to get back up. I don't have time to sit in the dirt with those chains holding me down. I've got a life to live for the One who died for me. Just catching a glimpse of what He can do in my life is breathtaking. He is amazing and I know, that someday, He will do something amazing with me.

Building up, higher and higher

2009-03-27T09:54:00.002-05:00

"But you, beloved, build yourselves up [founded] on your most holy faith [make progress, rise like an edifice higher and higher], praying in the Holy Spirit;" Jude 1:20 (AMP). This is my verse for today. We want to know how to get through life. How to get through all the struggles and trials we go through. We build up. We grow in our Savior. We learn from Him. We build up strength in Him. Just like I want to work out, I need to work out and do strength training for my faith. Bro. Frank always says that faith is a muscle. If you quit using it, it gets weak. If you work it out, if you exercise it daily, it becomes stronger. When have to keep building, even when it feels unbearable. When we feel that way, we have to remember we have Jesus! When life gets us down, we have to build back up. We gotta be strong in our Savior.

Yesterday was a good/bad day! Haha.... it started off really bad.
I woke up late and got off schedule, I had tons of stuff to do, and I was still shaky with the weight gain from Tuesday. I think it just all came out yesterday morning. My perfection and OCD kicked in and I turned to Twister. I gave in a little, but then got back on track. I went to work, and then I went to Thirty.One, where I spoke! I was so nervous!!!! But it went good...I kind of felt hypocritical, but I spoke to myself. I really enjoyed it and can't wait to speak again!!!! Can you believe it? Me wanting to speak in front of people!!!! I actually even gave my testimony, so everyone there now knows about my Ed. A lot of them already knew, but it felt good to just get things out in the open.
Today has started off better...I'm still stressing with school. It's just not going well :/

Free....

2009-03-25T13:48:00.005-05:00

"Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free." John 8:32. Yesterday I went ot the clinic I gained, and I'm not going back til 2 weeks. This freaked me out. I felt confusion and temptation take my hand. I heard Twister say "Come on, we got two weeks. Let's have some fun." I also heard him say "Your not going back til two weeks? You really must have gained a lot of weight." I seriously thought about turning around and freaking out. I went to the Basement last night and the message was on "24". What would you do if you only had 24 hours left to live. This hit me. I mean, what if today is my last day? I don't want to spend it worrying about my weight, how much I will allow myself to eat and when I can sneak in exercise. With this short time I have here on this earth, I want to make it worth something. This brings me to my verse from yesterday, "What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."James 4:14.I thought it was pretty weird how that was my verse for yesterday and then the message at the Basement was a lot along the same lines. But anyway, this life is going to be over before we know it.

Our life is like a vapor. I don't know if I will wake up tomorrow. All I have is today. This short time I have here, I want to make worth something. I want to live this life. I want to wake up and follow my Savior. Last night was awesome, you know it was like I said to God, "Ok, I've been asleep too long. It's time to wake up, it's time to live. I'm coming, I'm ready." I want to live, I want to make my life worth something. I don't want to have my life be consumed with weight, size, food, and exercise.

Now, back to the verse I first mentioned,John 8:32, this was today's verse. Like I said, yesterday I felt confusion and temptation take my hand. I felt Twister take my hand. And for a little while I was willing to follow. But God reminded me of this verse while we were doing praie and worship last night. He can set me free. When I take His hand, the hand of peace, grace, and truth, the lies start falling off. When I grab my Savior's hand He'll make all that confusion and the lies I feel surrounded by, break off. I can be free to live for Him.

Who do we want to please?

2009-03-23T15:48:00.002-05:00

Today's verse spoke to me in ways that I can't even explain. It says, "Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God." Romans 8:8. Even as Christians we can have those times when our old sinful ways seem enticing. We have thoughts of wanting to turn back and can even go as far as fulfilling those desires. When this happens, and we start thinking this way, or we give into our sinful desires, we have to stop and ask ourselves: Do we want to please our enemy or our Savior? We can't please both. 1 Corinthians 10:21 says,"You cannot drink the cup of the Lord and the cup of demons too;". We have to decide which is more important to us. The way this one spoke to me was that the last few days I've had MAJOR FAT days. I've just felt so huge! I've definitely had thoughts of wanting to go back to my Ed ways. But surprisingly I didn't give into them. I've chosen to try my best to please my Savior. Believe me, it wasn't always what I wanted to do. I've still been eating, but I've really been struggling. I really don't know why, but it's been very very difficult!

Tomorrow is clinic. I don't know how it will go. Good I guess? Mama and Daddy think I lost weight after being at the beach, but I'm not so sure about that. We'll just see how it goes.I certainly don't feel like I've lost weight :/
Today I've been preparing my message for Thursday. I'm speaking at Thirty.One (the all girls Bible study). I would have never thought I would be doing this. I'm amazed at what all God is doing with me, I don't even know what all He can do once I'm totally recovered.

Living Worthy of our Calling

2009-03-21T14:20:00.004-05:00

So we got back from the beach yesterday....and I'm a little blah! I'm always like this after we get back from vacation. Although part of me is glad that I'm back home. I had fun actually. I acted a lot more like a "teenager" (haha). I actually ate out for dinner. I ate all my meals and all my snacks, except the ensure I was suppose to be drinking :/

They had a tennis court and some of my friends were playing and that really made me want to play! I would like to go back to cheerleading, but I've been wanting to try tennis. Maybe that's something I could actually be good at! But I think I did pretty good...I wore a tank top over my swimsuit a lot, that was probably the hardest thing. But somehow God got me through it. He always comes through!

"Live a life worthy of the calling you have received." Eph. 4:1. God has such great expectations for us. He created each one of us and He knows all we can accomplish. I found this verse on the way to the beach last Sunday and it's been on my heart since then. It's like God was telling me that it's time to live up to the expectations He has for me. I've been lowering my standards for myself and following them. It's time to live the life He's called me to live and not just settle for less than I was made for. We all need to look at our life and see if we're living up to our calling. I know I haven't been, but I'm willing to try this time around.

Go away RAIN!!!

2009-03-16T14:14:00.003-05:00

So we're at the beach but it's pouring down rain! It has been all day....it was nice yesterday and actually pretty warm, but it's been horrible today :( we've still had fun though. We have swam in the indoor heated pool. I made a very big step today. I'm wearing a 2 piece swim suit. I really struggled with it last night because I didn't know which one to wear and I was stressing. But, I'm trying to have fun and enjoy this spring break. Believe me, that was very hard to do. VERY VERY difficult! I got through it, it was only through God though! But I've been doing good with eating, still struggling especially since we usually go out and eat for dinner, but God is getting me through.

Last night we went to the store to get food and I saw a girl who was very small. She looked like she may have her own Ed and it really made me just want to turn back. When I see someone skinny like that, it makes me want to go back and see how small I can get. It was frustrating. Mama had a talk with me about how I always compare myself to other girls. She says I really need to try and stop, but it's hard. I've been doing it for so long! Twister has totally ruined my life.

Ed's and the Bible

2009-03-14T14:15:00.007-05:00

Last night I was watching videos on Tangle and I happened to search eating disorders. I came across an interview with a woman who had struggled with anorexia and then bulimia. She was talking about some scriptures that she found that she feels relates to Ed's. Since anorexia and bulimia are medical terms there isn't going to be things in the Bible that says "So and so was anorexic." The first one is found in Proverbs...she relates this one to bulimia:

"Food gained by fraud tastes sweet to a man, but he ends up with a mouth full of gravel." Proverbs 20:17. She said it's a lot like when bulimics binge and then when they purge it ruins their teeth. Bulimics have a lot of dental problems from all the purging. The next one she talked about really spoke to me. She said that from some things that were said in 1 Samuel makes her believe that Hannah (Samuel's mother) struggled with anorexia and that's why she was not able to become pregnant for a while. I read the first two chapters in 1 Samuel and I came across one verse that really seemed like maybe she did struggle with eating. "This went on year after year. Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the Lord, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat." 1 Samuel 1:7. This is from another translation, "...Hannah began crying and refused to eat.". Twister pushes me and pushes me, there have been many times I've cried. I can't tell you how many meltdowns I've had because I knew I needed to eat but Twister was screaming in my ear. When he pushes me, I usually give into him. I don't eat, or I compromise. But then, towards the end of the chapter she begged God to give her a son, and then Eli told her to go in peace and God would give her what she asked. Then it says this, "Then she went her way and ate something and her face was no longer downcast." (1 Samuel 1:18). I never thought that people back then would have actually struggled with the things I struggle with today. I now feel as if I can really relate to someone in the Bible!

Here is the video's if any of you would like to watch them!http://www.tangle.com/view_video.php?viewkey=b5df676461b7359ca349

http://www.tangle.com/view_video.php?viewkey=a2ac5f4a8c1d4174c5ce

Today has been pretty good. It's very busy because we are trying to get ready to leave for the beach and I haven't even packed yet!! But I'm doing about the same. Something I'm trying to do is when Twister starts talking to me and says stuff like "Your fat." "Why are you eating when your not even hungry?" "Oh my gosh, you can't even see your ribs anymore!" "Your eating and your not working out, your going to be so huge!". What I have decided to do is when I hear him, I'm going to praise God. Even if it's just saying "I love you God." Something to put God in front of Twister (with Satan who is ultimately behind him). Tell Twister & Satan to get behind me and ask God to get in front of me. I used it today...I was struggling to eat lunch, but I said "I love you God. You are amazing. I will praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." He got me through lunch!

I hope everyone has a very fun and safe spring break!!! Love yall...

Calm down.....

2009-03-13T13:59:00.002-05:00

"Our God says, 'Calm down and learn that I am God.'" Psalm 46:10. As you probably guessed, this was my Text Ministry verse today. The hardest thing is to let go and let God. I know from experience. For some reason it's just hard to let God do His job. We want to control our lives, try to fix our problems, and handle everything by our self. But we CAN'T! No matter how hard we try, it will never get us to the place we need to be because we're not strong enough. God wants us to fall at His feet, throw all our troubles and burdens on Him. He can and will truly handle it. He created us..I mean I think He can handle our problems! We get so stressed out when all God is telling us to do is calm down, take some deep breaths, and let Him do His job.

Today has been about the same. Still feeling very fat. I can't figure out why though. It's just like I can feel the weight I gained this past week...I guess it's Twister, but I don't know. We're leaving for the beach Sunday and I am kinda nervous about that. I have a bikini, and I have a tankini, but I don't know which one I'm going to feel more comfortable in. So I'm stressing a little about that. And also just about eating while we're at the beach. I don't know....getting a little bit stressed!!!!!

Battles

2009-03-12T12:00:00.000-05:00

I found this verse today and it gives me so much encouragement...."The battle is the Lords" 1 Samuel 17:47. We try so hard sometimes to try and fight our battles our self. But we can't do it. I know...for a loooong time I tried to fight on my own. We become tired and worn out trying to do everything our self. All our battles our the Lord's. If we look at them that way, they will be so much easier because the Lord Almighty is fighting in us and for us! This was from the story of David and Goliath. I read the whole thing, it was the first time I really read it. It really is amazing. I mean David defeated Goliath. A mighty warrior with all kind of armor on. He defeated him with no kind of armor on. Only with a slingshot and rocks, and God! I mean how amazing is that? He handed the battle over to God. He had faith that God would win and He did! God always wins. He can't be defeated. The ultimate battle has already been won, these tiny battles are nothing for our Lord!

Today has been pretty good. I'm feeling fat today. I don't know what it is, but I've been having a lot of fat days lately. It's been VERY hard but I've tried to give each battle to God and He's won each one so far. I'm still doing good...but I'm still waiting to have a bad day. I guess I shouldn't look for the bad days, but I just feel like when I have a lot of good days it won't be long before I fall into some bad days...

In His thoughts

2009-03-11T16:42:00.003-05:00

"You are always in my thoughts." Isaiah 49:16
This verse has been on my heart ever since I found it.(It was today's Text Ministry verse). This is from the CEV translation. This gives me so much comfort. It makes me smile! I mean think about it....our Savior, Jesus Christ, thinks about us. He's thinking about me right now. About His plans for me. About the struggles I'm going through and how He can get me out of them. About all my accomplishments in my life so far. He's not going to forget about us. No matter what we think, we never leave His mind. He was thinking about me and you when He was being beaten and bruised. When that nail went through His hands He thought of me and you. In my Bible, the first part of this verse says "See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;". He's crazy about us! Every time He looks at His nail pierced hands, He thinks of you!

Dr. day went good, I guess. Everything went great with Dr. Vance. The clinic went good for me, but not Twister. I gained. It was more than what Twister wanted...but the whole time I was back there I kept telling myself "He is enough for me...He's grace is enough for me." I fought through it. I went to the Basement last night and it was awesome!!!!!!!! Very powerful, God is amazing!!!

Verses!!!!

2009-03-10T09:24:00.002-05:00

I'm sorry for not posting lately, I've still been quite busy!

I've been doing about the same. As far as my attitude, it's much better. I mean some of my friends say I'm taking too many of my "happy pills"!!! haha.... but as far as eating, I'm still very rigid about that. I'm eating, it's just that it all has to be "perfect". (HA!)
Yesterday was a "fat" day. I felt very, very huge! But I ate. I think I'm actually trusting God now. Here is my verse for today:
"...if you trust in the Lord, you will never miss out on anything good." Psalm 34:10 God has never ever let anyone down. He has never failed anyone or disappointed anyone. When we go through hard times we can feel as if He has, but just because we have problems doesn't mean He has let us down. This one spoke to me because I feel like getting well means I'll miss out on being skinny. But honestly, when I'm not trusting God is when I'm missing out. When I'm trusting Twister, I miss out on everything God has planned for me. So in reality, what reason do I have not to trust my Lord and Savior?

I have really been preaching to myself these last few days in my verses...let me share them with yall.

March 9, 2009:
"You will be a crown of splendor in the Lord's hand, a royal diadem in the hand of your God." Isaiah 62:3. This is where God is talking about giving Zion a new name. A lot of the time I only view myself as broken and worthless. When I know God sees different, that's the only way I can look at myself. If I would just look to Him, surrender my life, and every aspect of me to Him, maybe then I can start seeing what He sees when He looks at me. Which is beauty, splendor, and worthy of His own Son's precious blood.

March 8, 2009:
"Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead and Christ will shine on you." Ephesians 5:14. I've been spending too much time asleep. For over two years I've just been walking through life, basically sleep walking. When we finally wake up from the sin we've been living in, the fears we've been hiding from, and let go of the worthless things we cling to, we start to see God's light. We see it shine on us in everything we do. He starts working in our life. We see His hand everywhere, in everything, and we follow where He leads. It's like He is saying to us, "Rise and shine my beautiful one! It's time to live for me."

Today is doctor day. Hopefully everything goes ok. We're leaving here in about 30 minutes to go to Dr. Vance and then we'll have a little over an hour, then we'll go to the clinic. I think I've done better. It's just a struggle through every meal. But honestly, and I AM being honest, I'm actually calling on God now. I'm actually trying to calm down and let Him be God.

Hiding Behind a Smile

2009-03-06T13:49:00.002-06:00

I sent this verse out yesterday and it spoke to me in so many ways....

"Even in laughter the heart may ache, and joy may end in grief." Proverbs 14:13... It's so easy to hide behind a "perfect" smile. I know..I did it for about 2 years. You smile on the outside, but inside your so depressed. So tired from fighting that mighty battle that you feel you will never win. On the outside you try and make everything look ok. Everything is "perfect". How many people do we come across on a daily basis that are hiding behind their smile? Search deep down inside and see if you are hiding behind your smile. I know for a while I didn't realize what I was actually doing. How I was actually making people think I was fine. But even our smile can't fool God. When the day is over and it's just us alone in our beds, God knows what's going on. Because we're not alone. God is right there with us. When the smile fades away, God sees what is on our hearts. Let's try and look deeper, not only in others, but also ourselves. Look behind the smile.

Yesterday was good...it was busy!!! I tried to get school done (which I feel like I'm not going to pass!!!!!), I've been trying to finish this gymnastics binder and doing things for my party. Then, I went to work, got off at 7, went to Thirty.One, then had drama practice. It was a pretty crazy day! haha...but I followed my meal plan. I'm trying to keep pushing.

"I will build you up again, and you will be rebuilt." Jeremiah 31:4...This is todays verse. There are so many things in this world that have to ability to tear us down. We can even tear ourselves down. Only God can rebuilt us. Only He can take the pieces laying on the ground and build them back to something beautiful. He will do it carefully..He will build us back perfectly. No matter who or what tears us down in this life, God can and will rebuilt us and make us stronger than ever.

Today has been pretty good. It's been a little bit of a struggle today, but I've leaned on God and He has gotten me through each meal. Today has been busy as well. We have Scarred tonight and then we are leaving at about 5:45 in the morning (yes, 5:45 AM!!!!) to go to a cheerleading meet. So, I'll probably get about 4 hours of sleep tonight...yay! haha Not looking forward to it. But, I guess I better go. I've gotta find something to wear to Scarred. Hope everyone had a wonderful week and you have an amazing weekend!

Being captured by HIM

2009-03-04T16:07:00.003-06:00

As you know, yesterday was dr. day. Things went good with Dr. Vance...the clinic not as good. I mean, it could have been better, but it could have been worse too. So I guess that's good :/
Anyway...I was down like point 5 something kilograms, basically I maintained. Bonnie didn't seem too mad about it. But, Dr. S seems like she's getting really frustrated. She said she feels as if they are doing all the work and I'm not trying as hard as I can. I'm at 76% of expected weight for height (remember, 75% is hospitalization). So....she really wants me to step it up. Bonnie is making me eat a little bit more :/
But you know what..I'm willing to prove them wrong. I'm going to do what they told me to do. I'm not going to have a bad mess up day like I did last week. I'm ready to be healthy. I'm ready to start working out and running. I'm ready to serve God. But He's not going to send me hungry.

Today's Verse:
"You are my hiding place. You keep me safe from trouble. All around me are your songs of being made free." Psalm 32:7. I know I've had those times, many times, when I just want to curl up in a ball and hide. I want to hide from Twister. From this world. From all the struggles and pain I go through on a daily basis. But what better place to hide than in the shadow of the Almighty? In His loving, caring arms? I'll admit, there has been times when I want to get away from Twister, but I end up hiding in him. But, if we would only hide in God. Our only true source of comfort and love. If we would allow Him to surround us with His love, strength, peace and comfort. If we would allow Him to break us free from our bondage and become captured in Him and His freedom.

Today has been very busy. I'm trying to catch up on school. Trying to get some things done for work. I need to go to the store. I need to go tanning. Oh, and I'm planning myself a big Sweet 16 party. So...I've been very busy today. That reminds me, I've gotta get back to work! haha...

Love....

2009-03-02T11:16:00.003-06:00

I have to say, this last week I've felt closer to God than I ever have before. I've been experiencing Him in so many ways like I never have. I am literally falling more and more in love with Him every day. I asked Him that I would do that. That I would become closer to Him and fall completely in love with Him...thats definitely what's happening!

I read Song of Songs Sunday night and was blown away by the verse God showed me...I sent it out today:

"Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come." Song of Songs 2:10-12....To me, God was telling me it's time to get up and follow Him. I feel like it's been raining, storming, in my life for a long time. But I feel as if I can start to see the blue skies coming. They aren't exactly all here yet, but I know they are coming. God sends us rain (struggles, hard times, ect..) to make us grow. Flowers have to have water so they can grow. I know He'll make me stronger than ever. But I also know it's time to get up. I've been sitting around drowning in my pain for too long and He wants me to get up and follow Him. I've been reading Song of Songs lately and I really really like it. It's like a love letter from God to us. When He says how beautiful I am....One of the verses is talking about how "there is no flaw in you". I'm just finding so much strength from God's word.

I would love to write more but I have to go get ready for work. Then I'm going to Kristens softball game. Tomorrow is Dr. Day :/
Oh...it snowed here yesterday!!!! It was so pretty. I'll put pictures on here tomorrow. I'm going to try to post before we leave. But, anyways...I've really gotta go. Hope everyone's week has started off good. I know mine has! :]

"Get behind me...."

2009-02-28T18:24:00.002-06:00

Let me start off by saying yesterday was a really bad day. I stumbled yesterday. I barely followed my meal plan, it was just one of those bad days...but this morning I asked God to really speak to me. To really give me something to give me encouragement to get back on my feet from yesterday. I definitely heard Him today. He showed me two amazing verses!

I sent this one out as my verse today, this was the second verse He showed me:
"Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of man." Matthew 16:23......When I feel as if Satan (along with Twister) is coming at me from every side, this verse will definitely give me encouragement and strength. To encourage me to tell Satan to get behind me. To get out of my way. All he is is a stumbling block in my recovery, and ultimately my life. All he wants to do is make me fall. He wants me to listen to him and literally starve myself to death. Because he knows how God can use me. He knows how I can really make a difference in this world. He knows God has big plans for me and he doesn't want me to be able to fulfill them. He wants me to follow him, but he doesn't have in mind good things for me. He wants to destroy me from the inside out. He wants to kill me, but I won't let him.

This is the first one He showed me. I just read it at first, but then I read it again and read it the way God wanted me to. I heard what He was saying through the words Jesus said:

"I do not want to send them away hungry, or they may collapse on the way." Matthew 15:32....God doesn't want to send me down the path He has planned for me when I'm hungry.When I'm following Twister and starving myself, destroying my body. I can't do what He wants me to do because I'll collapse along the way. Not only will I not have physical strength to do His will, I'll be weak emotionally and spiritually. I won't be focusing on Him, I'll be focusing on my inner hunger. He's not going to use me in big and mighty ways when all I'm worrying about is being hungry. I can't serve Him when I collapse because I'm starved. He can't use me when I'm hungry. He wants me to eat and be healthy.

While yesterday was a very bad day, today has been better. These verses have given me so much strength for today. I can't tell you how encouraged I was after coming upon these scriptures and actually hearing what God wanted to tell me today. I don't know what I would do without the Bible. It's amazing to me how it was written so long ago, and there are so many things that relate to me today.

Closer

2009-02-27T09:17:00.004-06:00

I don't really know how to explain it, but these last few days I've felt so much closer to God. I'm digging into His word even more, I'm praying longer, I'm praying more throughout the day. It's just been amazing!

Yesterday I worked, and then went to Thirty.One, which was great!!! I'm so thankful for each and every girl there. They mean so much to me. I'm so glad God is blessing me with so many more friends. One's that I know are there for me and are supporting me through my recovery.
One of the girls, Katey said something that really got to me. She was talking about how she realized there are so many people who think about suicide. Who think about taking their own life. But she was talking about how it's not our life to take. As Christians, our lives belong to God. When we are saved, we die to our sins so that we can live for Him. Jesus died for us so we wouldn't have to have eternal death. I know when I was really depressed, I can remember (and this was just about a month ago. During my relapse) going to sleep and hoping I wouldn't have to get up and have to face the struggle of eating. There have been times when I really didn't care if I lived or died. I just wanted to quit suffering. I knew in Heaven there's no suffering, so I just wondered why God just didn't take me home. But when Katey was talking about this the one thing that stuck with me was when she said that it's not our life to take. This isn't my body to destroy. My body and my life belong to God....this really hit home.

Today has actually been a little bit harder. I'm struggling today. It's one of those days when I feel like I wasn't "bad" enough. Twister doesn't think that my eating disorder got "bad" enough. Although I have felt closer to God lately, I'm having a hard day. But I know I'm going to have those. My recovery isn't going to be perfect. I'm still going to slip & fall.

God has shown me so many verses lately!!!!! Here is my one I sent today:
"How long will you wander, O unfaithful daughter?" Jeremiah 31:22....Even as Christians we can wander away. I know I have. We can get so lost in our pain, struggles and problems that we turn from God and wander away. I've been wandering for a while. I was searching for God and all He has to offer in Twister...in my inner hunger. But how long does it take us to wander around alone? How long will we run from God before we realize He's the only true source of love and comfort?

I found this one last night. I had marked it a while ago, but I just realized how much it really relates to Twister.

Psalm 13

1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and every day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"

and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD,

for he has been good to me.

Moving Forward/Talk

2009-02-25T08:58:00.003-06:00

"Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead." Phil. 3:13...I sent this verse out yesterday and it is very close to my heart. See, the week right before I really relapsed (actually the day Twister "decided" I was going to go back into the hospital the next week) I went to the Basement that night. Matt started talking a little bit about this verse and I knew that God was telling me I didn't need another hospitalization. I heard Him telling me that I've already done that, that's the past and it's time to start moving forward. Did I listen? Of course not. Twister had better plans, so I thought. I ran from God. I knew what He was telling me but I didn't want to listen. Somehow, and for some reason, even though I didn't listen and I completely turned the other way He still pulled me out of the situation. I know it's time to move forward. To quit holding onto Twister. Quit wanting to be hospitalized again. To get on with my life. It's hard....it's not easy. I'm still not listening to God all the time. But, I want to grow closer to Him.

Yesterday was Dr. day......I finally went back to see Dr. Vance after about a month!! The session went good, it really got me thinking about some stuff. The clinic: It went good as well. My weight was up, which was very hard for me to accept. That's the first time in a while that my weight has been up and it's scary. But, I came home, I ate my snack and I ate dinner. The only way I got through that was with God's strength. I didn't go to the Basement last night. We (people from Scarred) actually had a small worship service of our own. We studied the Bible and we prayed. It was awesome. When I came home, I read the Bible some more and I found my verse for today. It really hit home. Big time....
"They claim to know God, but by their actions they deny Him." Titus 1:13...It's so easy to talk the talk. To say we have faith and we trust in God. It's something I have a really, really hard time with. Those of you who are close to me know that. But when it comes down to it,when the rubber meets the road (I think thats the saying! haha) are our actions following our words? Or is our talk only talk? A devoted and dedicated Christian not only speaks of the Truth and faith, they live by it. I don't always live by my faith, I'm ashamed of that. But I'm trying to work on it. I'm praying that God will teach me how to truly trust in Him and have total faith in His ability to get me through any and every situation.

Fire

2009-02-20T10:26:00.002-06:00

"This third one I will bring into fire; I will refine them like silver and test them like gold." Zechariah 13:9
This was my verse for today and God really spoke to me through it. God sometimes puts us through fires (mine being my eating disorder) and at times we feel like it can't get any hotter. At times we feel as if we can't see God through this fire. We feel as if He's left us in there to burn. But, some of us have to stay longer than others. He refines all of us in different ways, at different times. But the whole time we're being put through our fire, He is watching us. He will never leave us in there too long, but He also won't take us out until it's time. The whole time He is carefully and beautifully crafting us so that when it's time to take us out, we'll be made perfectly in His eyes.
I just really can't tell you how much this verse has spoken to me, God is AMAZING!!!!

I've still been doing about the same. Tonight is Scarred so it's going to be a little busy. I'm trying to get some school done, I think I'm going to get a new phone, I'm going to start tanning today, I need some things from the store, and then I have to get ready for Scarred!!! So far today I've followed the plan like I'm suppose to. It's still very hard, it's not easy. But, I keep remembering all the things I want to do with my life. It's time to pursue my dreams. To live for the One who died for me. I have to push through, even when the fire gets really, really hot.

Live

2009-02-18T10:57:00.002-06:00

Let me share my verses from today and yesterday and then I'll report from the clinic!

Yesterday:
"The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame." Isaiah 58:11. It's not always easy, it actually really hard to trust in God and be patient when we feel as if we've been put out in a sun-scorched land all alone and nothing else can go wrong. Let this verse remind us, that He allows us to walk through places for a reason. He will always supply our needs, notice it didn't say out wants! He will strengthen us. He's always there.

Today:
"This is what the Lord says...'Seek me and live;'" Amos 5:4. It's so easy to get lost in the world and its desires. It's easy to get lost in our problems, troubles, struggles, just our life in general. We forget the reason we were made. God is saying He wants us to live. He wants us to seek Him with all our heart, listen to Him, follow Him and LIVE for Him. Not waste our life, like I've done these past few years. He wants us to enjoy our life. I think that we we commit to fully seek Him and His will for our lives, and we focus only on Him, we will begin to really see His plan for our lives unfold before us.

So the clinic.....Pretty much the same as last week. I was down like, point something so Bonnie just counted it as maintaining once again. I know I'm right on the edge of hospitalization range and just a few more ounces and they'll admit me. So, I really don't have a lot of playing room. I was a little worried that I had maybe lost some weight this week because I didn't really change anything I was doing from last week. Bonnie wants me to drink an Ensure at night to get in some extra calories, so I'm going to try my best to do that. She also wants me to cook another family meal. I don't know if I wrote about that, but she wants me to get away from eating something different from my family and always fixing my own food. So, last week I did once. This week she wants me to do it two nights.
I'm really ready to start working out again, so I keep using that as some motivation. All in all, it's still about the same. I've just still got a long way to go.

Sorry!!!

2009-02-17T09:36:00.002-06:00

I'm really sorry for not posting lately. I really don't know why I haven't, I just really haven't had a chance to!
I've been doing about the same. Not any worse, but not that much better. I went back to my psychiatrist Thursday. She is keeping me on the same dosage right now but she said it seems to be doing good. I go back in a month and she said that we may go up on the dosage if we need to, if not we'll just keep it the same.

I go to the clinic today and I have to hurry and get home because Kristen has her first softball game today!! Well, sorry for the short post but I'm trying to get a little school done before we leave. I promise I'll post tomorrow, and I'll share my verse from today..I really like it!

Something good into something Bad

2009-02-13T11:14:00.003-06:00

Last night was Thirty.One and we talked about sex, the way that God designed it. About staying pure and the consequences that come with having pre-marital sex. But, one thing that Ashleigh said really stuck out to me that I can actually apply to Twister/my recovery. She was talking about how Satan takes something that God created for our pleasure and turned it into something bad. Satan has turned food, something that God has given me for my enjoyment and to nourish my body, and he has turned it into something bad. Something I'm afraid of. Something I've totally changed my perspective on. I just think it's really weird how he's done that, and how easily I have fallen into his web of lies.

"So I decided there is nothing better than to enjoy food and drink...Then I realized that these pleasures are from the hand of God." Ecclesiastes 2:24

"So go ahead. Eat your food with joy, and drink your wine with a happy heart, for God approves of this! "Ecclesiastes 9:7

Psalms 34:8 says, Taste and see that the Lord is good.

Being Confident in God/Faith

2009-02-10T11:44:00.006-06:00

This is what I was writing yesterday, but things happened and I didn't get a chance to post before I went to the doctor. And then I got home and changed real quick and went to the Basement. So, sorry for not posting yesterday, but I tried! haha

"Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident." Psalm 27:3
It's hard to live by faith and not by fear. I think we sometimes put too much trust and confidence in ourselves and when problems come we freak out because we can't handle them. I sent out this verse today so that we can be encouraged by it. I want to have that kind of confidence in God. Reading this does encourage me. It makes me want to be strong. It makes me want to fight. I have to have that kind of faith. That no matter what happens in my life, I will be confident in God and His mighty power. I don't always have that kind of faith, actually a lot of the time I don't. But I want God to teach me to have it.

No gain yesterday, no loss, and no hospital. Actually Bonnie said I was down a little bit, but it wasn't really enough to account for so she just said that I maintained. All my doctors were pleased with everything. Bonnie was really afraid that after last week I was going to loose weight and be put back into the hospital so she was very glad I didn't loose. All in all I'm still doing good.
The Basement last night was awesome, as always. During praise and worship I felt like I worshipped God like I never have before. I don't know, it's like it was just me and Him. I didn't care who was around me or what they thought. It felt like me and God.

"He said to her 'Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.'" Mark 5:34
I sent this one out today..... A lot of the time (I know for me) we forget what we have when we have faith in our Lord and Savior. He has so much power, strength and love. But, sometimes when we go through tough situations and struggles we forget to have that faith. We forget to draw that strength that He will freely give us. We get so caught up in our problems and how we can fix them, we forget that we have faith that can move a mountain. I don't always draw strength from God and I don't always have faith like I should. But, the moment we put our faith into practice God's strength comes alive in us.

Happier.....

2009-02-09T09:41:00.003-06:00

These are some

pictures from Ashleigh's surprise birthday party Saturday night!

I've been doing better this week. I've really been thinking about how much I like having friends again. I like going places and having fun again. I mean, if I would have went back into the hospital last week I would have missed Ashleigh's party. And I had so much fun! And, I was at the baseball field all day (lots of cute guys!!). I'm just kinda ready to be able to do more stuff. To actually go places, have fun, and eat while I'm somewhere. I'm ready to work out again, ready to start jogging and go back to cheerleading. I don't know if it's the medicine or what, but I do seem to be happier lately. And OMG, Scarred was awesome Friday night! DPB, a rapper from the Basement, came and performed live! It was so much fun!!!! And Twister wanted me to sacrifice that to go back into the hospital?? I'm glad I wasn't because I had so much fun!!!

I'm still not fully back to where I need to be on my nutrition plan, but I'm better. I still have a lot of work to do and a lot longer to go. But I think God wants me to do this without another hospitalization.

Dodged again

2009-02-04T09:59:00.002-06:00

I dodged another hospitalization this week.
I don't know how much I gained, I chose not to know that. But I do know I barely made it over 75%. Mama said that if I would have went to the bathroom before I was weighed I probably would be in the hospital right now.
It kinda scares me. Bonnie keeps reminding me that last week I was very dehydrated and alot of the weight I gained back was fluids. But still, it's scary. Twister is still screaming in my ear that I need to go back in the hospital. It's so hard not to listen to him. I'm trying to trust God. I'm doing ok. I haven't totally freaked out or anything. I'm doing alright. Just doing the best I can and taking it day by day, one meal at a time.

"Don't be afraid; just believe."-Jesus, in Mark 5:36. I know for me, trusting and "just believing" are some of the hardest things to do. Especially when we're going through difficult times and we feel like everything around us is falling to pieces. We become afraid and tired, discouraged, we feel like we can't "just believe". But that's exactly what Jesus is telling us to do. I don't always do it. I'll be honest, alot of the time I don't do it. I chose to be scared. I chose to not believe and not trust. But in the end, that is what is going to get us through any situation. By "just believing". I struggled with sending out this verse today because I felt it was hypocritical. But in this verse I'm not telling you what to do. I'm actually talking to myself more than anyone else. I'm just sharing with everyone what God has showed me, and what I'm trying to do.

Sparrows

2009-02-03T10:12:00.005-06:00

Today is Dr. day again.
If I haven't gained enough weight to be above hospitalization range I will be admitted again. I honestly don't know whats going to happen. I've tried my hardest, I really have. I just hope my best is good enough. I've been really nervous and anxious about today because I have no clue what the outcome will be.
My Text Ministry verse today gave me comfort though. It's Luke 12:7 "The very hairs on your head are numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." I know God is with me. I know He is watching over me. I know whatever happens today He is with me. Jesus told me not to be afraid. I'm trying to listen to Him more!!
Alot of the time we feel like we're just a number in this world. We feel like we have to be "somebody" to be noticed, to be cared about, for someone to see us. But, we are special to God. If He sees each sparrow that falls to the ground, why do we get worried that He's not watching us? To me, this verse is like Jesus is saying "Why are you getting so worried? Why are you getting so stressed out? Just trust me. I know you. I'm watching you, and I'm not going to let anything happen to you."

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers today.
If I do go in, I'll probably get Mama or Kristen to post for me. If not, I'll be posting tomorrow.
I love yall!!!!!

Goals

2009-02-02T14:59:00.003-06:00

Today has been hard, as well as the rest of the week.
I honestly don't think I've had an easy day this week at all. I've been trying the best I can, but I keep feeling like my efforts aren't going to be enough to keep me out of the hospital tomorrow. I'm going to be honest, I haven't eaten everything on my nutrition plan this week. I haven't skipped any meals, which is an improvement I guess, but today was the first day I had just one meal with everything I'm suppose to have. Lunch was very hard. I ate, but not everything I was suppose to. I really am trying...whether yall believe me or not, I'm fighting.

I made a list of goals the other day. I thought maybe this could help when I'm struggling. I can look back on this and think about what all I want to do with my life. Most of them I can't do when I'm consumed with Twister...

Waking up to a struggle

2009-01-29T12:12:00.003-06:00

I just got back from my appointment with the psychiatrist. She is putting me on some medicine that is hopefully going to help with my depression and my mood. It's a little scary, but I'm going to try it.

Today has been hard. It's really hard to wake up to a struggle everyday. This is literally like an addiction. But unlike alcoholics and drug addicts, I'm going to have to face food everyday of my life. Today hasn't been the best.. but I'm trying not to skip any meals. I at least don't need to loose any weight, that would be really bad!! But I really am doing the best I can. I'm trying.

Very Lucky

2009-01-28T10:40:00.002-06:00

As you have guessed, I was not admitted back into the hospital yesterday. But that's the good news.
I lost almost 7lbs. Yes, 7lbs in one week. I had to loose at least 4 to be in the hospitalization range. 75% and below of my expected weight for height is hospitalization range. I am at 73%. They didn't admit me because my Dr. is going out of town this week and also I am going to see a psychiatrist tomorrow to see about being put on some medication and they really want me to meet with her. So, I got very lucky yesterday.
But, there is still a chance I could be admitted next week. The thing is, I have to be above the 75% next week for them not to. I'm not exactly sure how many pounds equal a % or whatever, but I do know that's quite a bit of weight to gain in a week. And also because Bonnie wants me to slowly get back on my nutrition plan because there is a risk of re-feeding problems. She thinks a lot of the weight I lost could be fluids, they think I'm very dehydrated. So, I could gain enough weight back, but then again I may not.
I had to go get some labs done after my appointment because loosing almost 7lbs in one week is a major concern.

Some of you may not believe me, but I think I've had about enough of this. I really think I am ready to get rid of this and live the life God has planned for me. I know a lot of times I talk big but don't really practice what I preach, but I think this time is different. I've been thinking about something and it also played a part in my verse today, let me show you.

See... Twister keeps attacking me with not being good enough, skinny enough, perfect enough, sick enough, just not being enough of anything. But I've realized that my Savior, Jesus Christ is enough for me. At times I don't feel like it, but I'm praying that He will keep reminding me that.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."-Jesus, in 2 Corinthians 12:9. This is one of my favorite verses in the whole Bible and I have been clinging to it since yesterday. He said that His grace is enough. His love is enough. What He did on the cross for me is enough. HE is enough for me.

I'm not going to lie, today has been very hard. Twister was so excited to know how much weight I lost and he wants to loose more. But, I've been trying to rely on God. I'm slowly eating and getting back on my nutrition plan. It's hard, very hard. I'm not at all saying that I am completely better now and I'm back to my old self. No way....but I'm willing to try. At times it's very hard to lean on God, but I know I need to. I'm going to do the best I can.

THANK YOU to all of you who prayed for me yesterday. I think God is definitely giving me another chance. I love you all!!!!!!

Will I come home?

2009-01-27T10:28:00.002-06:00

Today is the day. I have done horrible this week and Mama thinks I have probably lost enough weight to be put back into the hospital. I'm not sure though.
I honestly don't know whats going to happen, but I know God will be with me no matter what. I have been far away from Him lately, but I've been coming back a little bit. I don't know if tonight I will be sleeping in my own bed, or if I'm going to be laying in a hospital bed. But what I do know for sure is that God is going to be with me in either place. I know He still loves me. It's taken a lot of convincing on my part, but I know He still wants me. I'm not praying that I don't go into the hospital, and I'm not praying that I do. I'm just praying that He will allow me to accept whatever happens and trust in Him.
I know I have to make an effort and I have to try. Someone that is really helping me through this gave me a great quote last night: "God helps those whom helps themselves." I can't get ask God to take this away and heal me and make me healthy just like that. I have to try.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers today. If I don't post tomorrow, you know what happened.

:-/

2009-01-24T15:31:00.002-06:00

I'm still not doing good, at all.
I just feel really hopeless. I don't even feel like trying. But then, I know I need to. I'm such a horrible Christian, why can't I just let God get me through this? Because I know He can. I'm letting everyone around me down. I'm letting down all the people that are supporting me. It hurts me to see the people I love hurting because of me...What have I done???

Torn apart

2009-01-22T11:12:00.002-06:00

I guess I was really just fooling myself when I thought I got back on track.
I lost weight and they made me stop working out. I'm now at the 78% of my expected weight for height. At 75% they put me back in the hospital. I'm now back to weekly. I don't know what's happened. I am literally feel like I'm being torn apart. Twister wants to push me so hard that I go back into the hospital. But I really don't want to go. I mean if I did, this time I would have to stay for 2 weeks.
I'm going to be honest...I have done really bad since Tuesday. I'm not doing what I'm suppose to be doing. I just feel like giving up. I don't even feel like fighting. I know I need to trust God and rely on His strength, but to be honest to you and to myself, I'm not. I feel very far away from God right now. I don't even know why He would want me anymore, after I have failed Him so many times and broken so many promises.

Turning around

2009-01-19T13:42:00.005-06:00

So I'm doing much better today.
I did horrible these last two weeks though. I honestly relapsed...but I'm back on track now. I don't know exactly what got me totally back on track though. I guess alot of it was I just was tired of feeling tired and feeling like I was going to pass out all the time. These last two weeks I was so consumed with how many calories I would allow myself to eat each day and counting the calories and trying to not be hungry, all of the stuff that I used to be consumed with. It's been very hard to get back on track, but I'm trying to let God carry me through. I let Twister (along with Satan) lead me down the wrong path and all I did was fall. But I'm trying to let God pick me back up. It's been hard and I'm still really struggling, but I'm trying to let God fight for me. I keep reminding myself of Exodus 14:14, "The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still."

Tomorrow is Dr. Day... I go to Dr. Vance and to the clinic. I'll be leaving kind of early so I don't know if I'll post before or not. But I know it's not going to go very well. I know I've probably lost weight and I'm just hoping it's not too much to where they decide I need to go to the treatment center. I'm very nervous...but I know God is here with me. I know He won't leave me.

Purity Rings

2009-01-16T11:27:00.003-06:00

OK... so I'm getting a new purity ring because the one I have is too big and I have a little thing on it to make it smaller and I have to wear it on my middle finger. Anyway, I have 3 I am deciding from and I'm having a really hard time choosing. It would be a lot of help if yall could tell me which one you like best!

Ring 1:

Ring 2:

Ring 3:

Falling

2009-01-16T10:09:00.002-06:00

It's been a while since I've posted, and I'm sorry about that.
But as some of you might have guessed, when I don't post a lot it either means I'm really busy or I'm not doing good. Well, this time it means I'm not doing good.

Since Wednesday I haven't been doing good. I've just really fallen back with Twister. I'm struggling really, really bad. And I'm giving into him. I feel kinda far away from God....that hurts the most. I'm afraid to ask for His strength because I'm not even sure if I would take it. My mind is going in a million different directions, I'm feeling a little depressed, and I'm just so confused. Am I headed for another big relapse?

Self-Seeking

2009-01-09T15:36:00.003-06:00

"For where you have envy and selfish ambitions there you will find disorder and every evil practice." James 3:16...This one really spoke to me today. I started struggling last night and haven't had the best day today. I was feeling really confused this morning and just felt like my mind was going in a million different directions. So, I found this verse on confusion. When we seek anything other than God and His plan for our lives, all we get is disorder and confusion in our lives and minds. But God is a God of peace, not of disorder or confusion. If only we seek Him and allow Him to put us back together instead of us trying to do it ourselves. When I seek Twister and what he wants me to do all I receive is disorder, not only my eating disorder, but disorder all throughout my life and my family's life. Eventually it turns into evil, I start lying, cheating, disobeying God and breaking promises to Him. Like I said, God is a God of peace. I know He can't use me when I'm in disorder like I am now. When I'm broken and my life and mind are in confusion. I know deep down inside that once I let Him put me back together and in order, He can do big things with me. But for some reason I don't always let Him.

I feel very torn today. I want to hold tight to God's hand but then I'm being pulled by Twister and I just feel like I'm about to be ripped apart. It's hard and I'm just really confused.

Scarred is tonight. So I'm excited about that.... I'm about to go start getting ready. We moved the time up so I have to be at the church earlier. Hope everybody is having a good Friday, better than mine at least!

Little bit overwhelmed....

2009-01-08T12:29:00.004-06:00

Sorry for not posting about the clinic earlier!
I gained about a pound. At first I didn't know how they would like it, being that it had been 3 weeks since I had been. But they were ok with it. I can still work out. And actually they are letting me start working on some cheerleading jumps. Then, the next step will be jogging/running, and then back to cheerleading. Bonnie wants me to quit measuring breakfast all together, and they moved me to 2-3 weeks. How am I feeling about all of this? A little overwhelmed. I feel like it's a lot coming at me.This was the point last time where I relapsed and almost ended up back in the hospital or in a treatment center. Bonnie told me that the reason she was pushing me so hard was because I have been going the clinic for 10, almost 11 months and it was either time for me to really start getting well or I needed more help than they can give me. Which means the treatment center out of state.

I've done pretty good the last few days....
This was my verse yesterday. I know it was God speaking right at me, and I was kind of running from it because I know what He was doing.
"Endure hardships with us like a good soldier of Christ Jesus." 2 Timothy 2:3...We are soldiers for Christ. When the battle gets hard we have to make the choice to either back down and surrender to the enemy, or we fight stronger and harder. We have to be strong. We are on a winning team but we still have battles to fight. When hardships come we can't give up, we have to fight harder. I have the problem of backing down when it gets really hard and just surrendering to Twister, even when I know I shouldn't. I know I need to fight harder.....but I don't always. I know that God was speaking to me loud and clear yesterday but I don't know if I listened to Him or if I ran, as much as I hate to admit it. I'm not the strongest soldier yet.

FAT

2009-01-06T10:43:00.002-06:00

Today is a fat day.
I don't know really what happened, but I just miss being skinny. I don't think I was that skinny before, but I'm really not now. I don't know what it is about wanting people to look at me and know I'm anorexic. It's just been kind of a hard day today.
There have been times the last few days when I really want to go back, but it's like something inside of me is telling me no. That voice is God's... He is holding me. When Twister is telling me I can go back with him, I hear God telling me no. That all of that is a lie, that Twisters comfort will only last a little while. While His will last a lifetime. Which one am I listening to? Most of the time God's. But there have been times when I listen to Twister even when I know I shouldn't. When I take his hand and follow where he wants me to go, even at times when I don't want to.

Today is clinic day. I haven't been in 3 weeks and I'm a little nervous. I just really hope I don't have to stop working out. As much as I don't want to gain weight, I want to keep working out. I really don't know how today is going to go though... we'll see.

Late Night & Morning

2009-01-03T14:57:00.002-06:00

Today hasn't been the best.
I was out late last night and so I woke up really late this morning. It seems silly, but that really messed me up. I don't like to eat breakfast late, and I wanted to get up and work out. I've fought through it, mostly. But it's just been really, really tough. I'm trying to draw strength from God, but at times it's hard. That controlling part of me just wants to try and handle it on my own. I know all I have to do is just let go and let God. I just don't understand how something so simple is so hard for me...

Happy New Year!!!!

2009-01-01T18:56:00.003-06:00

I am SO SO sorry for not posting in forever!!!!!!!
I have had so much going on lately, I just really haven't had time.

I've been doing good. I had a set back Saturday, Sunday and Monday but I've gotten back on track and I'm doing better. We canceled my appointment with the clinic last week because of all the Christmas shopping traffic that we would run into... and they are closed this week. So when I go back next week it will have been 3 weeks since I've went. I'm a little nervous about it. Just because I started working out and then I don't go until 3 weeks. I'm just really really hoping I haven't lost weight and they make me quit working out.

I can't believe it's 2009!!! The verse I sent out yesterday was this, "Your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying 'This is the way, walk in it.'" Isaiah 30:21. 2008 was a very tough year. I went through alot. Last year, I mostly listened to Twister's voice and not God's. The voice behind me was Twister's and I listened to him and went where he wanted me to go, ignoring God. I want 2009 to be different. I want to listen to God's voice. I want to follow Him. I know I will still listen to Twister every once in a while, but last year wasn't the best when I was listening to him. I think it will be a much better year if I listen to God and walk in the way He tells me to. I know He has a great plan for me, I don't know what it is. But I pray that in 2009 it will start to unfold. That I will quit living in my Ed shell with Twister and follow God's plan for me. I want to let go of Twister and this life I've been living and let God take over. Let go, and let God.

My therapist told me something a few weeks ago that I have really been thinking about when I'm struggling and don't want to eat. It's really helped, thanks Dr. V!!!! God didn't send His one and only Son to die on a cross so that I would starve myself to be skinny.

He can relate

2008-12-22T08:34:00.002-06:00

I found this verse Saturday night and it was the one I sent out yesterday...
"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet was without sin." Hebrews 4:15.... it really spoke to me because it made me realize that Jesus knows what I am going through. He can relate to every trial and temptation I go through each day. That's why God sent Him to take on a human body so that He can comfort us and be able to sympathize with us when we are going through trials, temptations and heartaches. Jesus really can feel my pain each and every single day!

Yesterday went good. I didn't have to work, so I went to church, came home and ate lunch and then me and Mama went to do a little Christmas shopping... then I came back, went to my youth Christmas party and then went to a Scarred meeting at 7. We made a commercial for my text ministries to show at the next Scarred! haha, it was pretty fun! :]
So far today has went ok... I got up and ate my protein bar and worked out and now I am about to go eat breakfast. Hopefully today will be a good day.....

Verse for today:
"I urge you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause division and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teachings you have learned. Keep away from them." Hebrews 16:17... Satan is going to put any and every obstacle he can find in our way to tear us down and pull us away from God. He will put anything in our way to divide us between the things we should be doing and the people we should be around. He will try and keep us from serving God with all our heart by putting obstacles in our way. When things start going good is when he tries to move in and make our lives miserable. When all this happens, we need to stand up, come together, get behind God and fight against him. Don't let Satan win.

Tougher

2008-12-20T14:27:00.002-06:00

So today has been a little bit tougher than the last few days. Not sure why, it's just been harder. I feel really fat, and for some reason I just don't want to eat. But, I have eaten today. I have eaten what I am suppose to, so I've fought through it, it's just been hard.

Last night I went with some people from Scarred to play laser tag and then go bowling. I had fun! I'm not at all good at laser tag, but it was fun anyway!!! haha
I really have been participating in my life more, and enjoying it. It's better than just staying in my little Ed shell all the time with Twister.....
So I guess that's about it... I don't think there is anything else.
Hope everyone has a great weekend.... 5 more days til Christmas!!!

Oh, let me say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my other sister, TIFFANY!

SORE!!!

2008-12-18T13:50:00.003-06:00

I am SO sorry! I have like totally forgot to write in my blog the last few days!

So... I am released to start working out now!!! I can work out 2-5 days a week. I am so sore! haha... I really am out of shape! But I feel so much better now that I am able to. I'm trying not to over do it, because if I loose weight and then I can't work out it won't be very good!
I've been doing good the last few days.... nothing that new.
I have to go Christmas shopping. All I have is one present!! I think I'm going Monday.. so hopefully I can get everything done! Christmas is a week from today!

Dr. Day

2008-12-16T08:17:00.003-06:00

I have not been doing good with blogging lately, please forgive me! haha

Today is dr. day... I go to Dr. Vance and to the clinic.
Hopefully today will be the day they release me to start working out again. If it's not, I'm not going to be very happy! I think I've done good, and I would be very surprised if I lost weight. But still, who knows. I didn't think I lost weight last week either!

Things have been going good... a few slips here and there, but that's normal. I've done good with the measuring thing, surprisingly! It's still hard, but I've done it!!! Well I guess that's about it, me and daddy are going to the place where they take the total loss cars today. He wants me to go and see them so I will know what can really happen....then we are going to go get a Christmas present for Kristen, then to Dr. Vance, then to the clinic and then I'm going to try and meet up with someone to go to the Basement because I have a late appointment today. So.....I guess I'm going to start getting everything together. I can't believe it's 9 days till Christmas!!!!

Quick!

2008-12-12T15:09:00.002-06:00

Sorry for the lack of posting lately. I've been kind of busy and we're having some internet problems.. so this is just going to be a short post.

Everything has been going good. It's been really hard because I really want to work out, but I keep trying to remind myself that if I can just get through this week I will be able to. I've been drawing strength from God, because I can't do it alone!! He is the only way I have come this far and the only way I will truly recover.
Well, I guess that's about it... I hope everyone had a great week and has a wonderful weekend! :]

Frustrated......

2008-12-10T09:19:00.002-06:00

Yesterday was clinic.... I can't work out yet. I actually lost a little bit of weight. Now, let me stress little. Let's just say, if I hadn't have went to the bathroom before they weighed me, I would be able to work out. :(
I was very, very frustrated and upset. I was looking forward to being able to start working out again, you have no idea! At first, I wanted to just loose more weight. I guess I was trying to rebel or something. But then I talked to Mama and one of my friends and they kind of calmed me down... I went to the Basement so that took my mind off of it.

I guess if I've waited this long, I can wait one more week. Although I'm VERY upset.......
Bonnie got on me about measuring. I measured all week except one day. So, she wants me to try and do 2 days this week. This is very hard for me, but I know that to eat normally again I am going to have to quit measuring. It's just really hard!!!!!

I guess that's about it... gotta go get caught up with school! :/

Minor fall

2008-12-06T14:04:00.003-06:00

So yesterday wasn't the best....
I hit a major thing in my recovery, which was a good thing. But, it scared me, very bad! Let's just say it was a bad day... I had quite a few meltdowns.

God showed me this verse, which was the one I sent out in my text. He warned me, but I still tripped. I don't know if I totally fell, but I do know I stumbled....
"Free me from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge." Psalms 31:4....He was telling me what was going to happen.. Twister was setting the trap and it was my choice as to how I would handle it. I didn't do that great. As the day went on, things went up and down. All in all, it was a bad day.
Today I am getting back on track. I'm still scared, but here is the verse I sent out today: "Do not gloat over me, my enemy. Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light." Micah 7:8...This relates to my situation from yesterday so much! I fell, but I want God to pick me back up. Yesterday I felt so alone and in the dark, but I want God to be the light that leads me out. Twister can be that light for only a short period of time. Soon, his light will fade away. He is only temporary relief. But God, He has an everlasting light. His light never fades away!
Oh, I almost forgot..... ROLL TIDE!!! :]

Bones

2008-12-04T12:10:00.002-06:00

As a product of Twister and my anorexia, I have developed this weird sense of satisfaction when I can easily see and feel my bones. My spine, ribs, shoulder blades, hip bones.....whenever I can see them without having to suck in or move a certain way I receive satisfaction. I'm getting to the point again to where it's not that easy anymore. I can't easily see or feel my ribs as much as before, and my hip bones aren't sticking out quite as much. This is something very hard for me. Although I'm ready to start working out and building my muscle back, there is still another part in me that really wants my bones. I guess that's mostly Twister.....

Yesterday was good, and so far today has been too. I'm still having to surrender to God at every meal, but He's getting me through it. I have way better things to do in this world than worry about food and my body.

Mama found this quote today and shared it with me, it really relates to me and my eating disorder:
"You gain strength, courage & confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do."- Elanor Roosevelt
I have to face Twister every single day. I have to look him in the face and decide whether I am going to fight him today, or let him slowly tear me down and kill me. It's hard, and it's scary, but I will get through it.

Daily Verse:
"Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass." Psalms 37:5....No matter how old you are, we all have decisions and choices to make that shape our lives and mold us into the person God wants us to be. Some are very hard and very important decisions...when we commit it fully to God and totally let Him have it and listen to what He wants us to do, He will work everything out. In His time, in the way He wants it to be. Give it to Him, sit back, and listen. He will bring it to pass.

One more week!

2008-12-03T11:52:00.002-06:00

Sorry for not posting till today, but I went to the Basement last night and didn't get home again til late.

I did gain yesterday. But, still not enough to starting working out again yet. I'm like right at the 80% mark and Bonnie (my nutritionist) said that if I keep gaining like I have been, I will be able to start working out next week. I'm SO ready for that! You have no idea....
So, I'm still doing good. I mean, it's still a daily struggle, but I'm trying to be still and let God be God. I'm trying to let Him fight for me. It's hard sometimes, and honestly, sometimes I don't. But, when I fall down he picks me back up.

Daily Verse:
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me...and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30.... Any trial, struggle, choice or situation that may be tearing you down and making you tired, give it all over to God. Jesus told us right here that His "burden is light"... He can take that weight off of your shoulders. Right now for me, I have a few things (including Twister) that are kind of worrying me and making me weary. But, I know if I lay them at Jesus' feet, it will be so much easier. That's not always the easiest thing to do, but once we do you feel so much more free! Lay all your worries, burdens and fears at the feet of the cross!

New verse

2008-11-30T19:52:00.003-06:00

Sorry for not posting lately, I've been busy once again!
Saturday went good... I actually ate dinner in front of some of my new friends. Which was a very big step for me. Also, that was a great game!!!!! haha (sorry my auburn friends!)
My aunt and cousin came this weekend and it's been good to see them! So I got to spend some time with them, I think they are leaving today.
I've been doing good, I'm still REALLY ready to start working out again. I'm really hoping it will happen either this week or next week, hopefully this week!! But I know it will be soon.

I found this amazing verse this morning while I was looking for my text verse, I was shocked at how well it relates to eating disorders.
"So do not be attracted by strange, new ideas. Your strength comes from God’s grace, not from rules about food, which don’t help those who follow them." Hebrews 13:9
I really don't know what else to say about that, I mean how much more clear can you get?!

Today I'm going to try to get back on track with school, I'm so far behind! Then I have a Scarred meeting at 6, so... that's about it. Just another Monday :( haha

Hope everybody has a wonderful week!
Daily Verse:
"Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always." 1 Chronicles 16:11...The way I look at this one is that it's so easy to look to other things and people when we need strength. Like me, I looked, and sometimes still do, to Twister when I need strength. But to ultimately receive everlasting and powerful strength, we have to seek God's face, take his hand, and let him fill us with his amazing strength!

ROLL TIDE!

SCARRED night!

2008-11-28T09:15:00.005-06:00

Hey everyone! I hope everybody had a wonderful Thanksgiving!!!!!! :]

Everything actually went just fine yesterday! I ate, it was kinda hard because I couldn't measure out exactly how much I needed to eat, so I may have had a little more or a little less than I was suppose to but I ate! It felt good to actually just eat and spend time with my family and not be so obsessed with the food. I felt free...... I had a really good time.Me, Kristen, Preston and Camden had lots of fun!!! We took tons of pictures (I'm putting some on here.)

Tonight is Scarred and I'm so excited!!! I'm not in the drama this time, I'm just taking the pictures, but it looks really good! I'm so excited!! I'll put some of the pictures on here! Oh, and also my aunt and cousin are coming up this weekend and he is going to Scarred with us... then, we are having a Iron Bowl party!!! Exciting weekend! I'm a little nervous about tomorrow though, eating in front of some of my new friends... but I think I can get through it.

Daily Verse:

"for our God is a consuming fire." Hebrews 12:29..... Sometimes we get so consumed by the things in this world and in our lives, we loose focus of our true purpose and of God. In my case I was being consumed by my eating disorder... it literally consumed my life for two years. All along I was looking for God. I was looking to be consumed by his love, acceptance, his mighty power, his grace and comfort. I'm now learning to be consumed by him and only HIM! If you are being consumed by something other than God, cry out to him and be consumed by only him today!

Tired!!!!

2008-11-26T10:53:00.002-06:00

I am so tired today!!
I went to Dr. Vance at 1, then the clinic at 2:15, got home about 4:15 and then went to the Basement around 5. I didn't get back till about 12:00 this morning... and I am so tired!! Haha

The clinic went good. I did gain, but not too much. I was even fine the whole way home, I wasn't even in a bad mood! I gained about all the weight back that I had lost last week... up and down, up and down! I'm at about 78% of my expected weight for height and when I get to 80% I can start working out again! I'm so ready for that!!!!!
Well,I guess that's about it... tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I'm a little nervous about that. But I have a plan and I don't think it's going to be as bad as Twister wants me to think it is. I can fight through it with God holding my hand, He is my strength!

Daily Verse:
"Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you." Jeremiah 32:17....No matter how big you think your problem is or how messed up you think your life is, God can fix it. Nothing is too hard or too big for him! Remember, he can move mountains!!!!

Another day....

2008-11-24T16:07:00.002-06:00

Nothing really that new.
I'm still doing good, still staying busy!!!! I'm having lots of fun with all my new friends from Scarred!! It's helped sooo much!

I go to the clinic tomorrow. I hope everything goes ok. I've been eating everything, I'm just afraid I've been going and doing too much... hopefully I haven't burned too many calories!
Well... I really don't have that much else to say, I hope everybody had a great weekend and a great start to your week!

Daily Verse:
"For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory." Deuteronomy 20:4..... I know He will fight for me, and I know He can give me victory. Sometimes it's just hard to let go....

Calming the Storm

2008-11-22T13:56:00.003-06:00

Sorry for not posting in a few days.
Last night was Scarred and it was awesome! Just a little while after it started we got the news that a teenager was killed last night in a car accident. There were many people there that were very close to him.. I personally didn't know him, but many of my friends did. We kinda changed it a little, by doing the alter call after we found out. Then, we went ahead and kept going with the service... one of my friends was saved last night!! I had been praying for her for so long, and I am so happy she is my sister now!!!!!! YAY! I'm so excited!!! It was a very emotional night though....

I've been doing good. Although, with me being more busy and doing more stuff it's been hard to stay on the plan. But, I'm trying my best and doing all I can!!!

Daily verse:
"He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" Mark 4:39-40
If Jesus can calm a raging sea, I know he can calm the storm I am in. If you are in the midst of a storm today, let Jesus calm your storm... we have proof that he can!

Clinic News

2008-11-19T13:03:00.003-06:00

As you know, yesterday was Dr. day....
Everything went good with Dr. Vance, next week we are going to come up with a Thanksgiving plan. For people struggling with eating disorders, the holidays are a very hard time. For some reason almost every holiday has something to do with food, but to live a normal, healthy life again I am going to have to learn to enjoy the holidays. Maybe even someday enjoy the food! It's going to be something I'm going to have to fight through, a battle I will have to give to God.

The clinic..... I actually lost almost all of what I gained last week. I wasn't that surprised. The first few days after the clinic last week I did really bad, once I tried to get back on track I still didn't completely follow the nutrition plan. Me and Bonnie talked about a few things, and we just decided to try one more week on this plan with me following it, correctly. If I gain too much, or too little, we will adjust it. I'm willing to do it... I'm trying to daily put my trust and hope in God.
I've done good so far today! I'm finishing up with school and then I have a few things I need to do... then I guess I'll try to find something else that needs to be done. Gotta keep busy!

Daily Verse for yesterday:
"Praise be to the Lord my Rock, who trains my hands for war and my fingers for battle. He is my loving God and my fortress, my stronghold and my deliverer, my shield in whom I take refuge." Psalms 144:1-2

Today's verse:
"The Lord has appeared to us from afar, saying: 'I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving- kindness.'" Jeremiah 31:3
I don't think we will ever be able to fully grasp how much God really loves us....

Yes, Better

2008-11-17T13:55:00.003-06:00

Again, I'm sorry I'm not posting very regularly... like I said, I've been really busy. That's actually a good thing, it takes my mind off Twister!

I've been doing good the last few days actually! Saturday was the meet, and so it was a little hard to follow the meal plan.. but I packed my lunch and everything was fine. Sunday was good, although I was kinda rushed. I went to church, got home and ate lunch. Went to work at 1:45, got off at 4, had to grab my snack and eat it real fast and then be at a SCARRED meeting at 4:30! lol... kinda busy yesterday!
But, everything has been going good, I really have been trying. I feel stronger.
Tomorrow is Dr. day... I go to Dr. Vance at 11 then the clinic at 2:15. I'm hoping I'll get back in time to go to the Basement.. hopefully!!! Even though I've been doing better, I'm not so sure about what will happen tomorrow. Even on days I am trying it kinda seemed like I didn't have a lot of time to eat... and that's my fault, so I've gotta work on that. Anyways, hopefully everything goes ok, I'm really ready to start working out again!

Please keep two of my new friends in your prayers. I have met them at the clinic and we've been talking. It's good to have people to talk to who know exactly what I'm going through... we can support each other and give each other tips on how to stay motivated. Anyway, one of them is doing really good, but one is kinda going back and forth. I guess a little like me.... but they just both need prayer as well as me so that they can beat their ED!

Daily Verse:
"God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will provide a way out so you can stand up under it." 1 Corinthians 10:13
God won't give us anything that we can't handle, that is, with his help. But, what I have realized is that he will give us stuff to push us down on our knees, at our weakest point. Humbling ourselves before him, crying out to him for his help.

*By the way, the subject is like the answer the subject of my last post!

Better?

2008-11-14T14:41:00.002-06:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days, I've been busy with work, school, practicing the drama, and helping Mama with the meet t-shirts.
The first meet (gymnastics & cheer) of the season is tomorrow and I am coaching and Mama is printing t-shirts to sell... so I'm trying to help her get everything ready!!!

Anyway, I don't have a lot of time so I have to make it short... but today has been pretty good. Wednesday & Thursday were pretty bad. After Tuesday I had planned to not eat correctly till about Monday (Twister & his twisted ways!) but something just got into me today (God!!) and I'm trying to get back on track. I'm trying to practice what I preach. Today, I'm trying to trust in God and take refuge in Him..... I'll admit I haven't followed the meal plan exactly, but it's better than yesterday.
Well, I better go.... hope everyone has a WONDERFUL weekend!!! :-]

Daily Verse:
"Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." Psalms 62:8

Yesterdays Verse:
I really liked this one, and I didn't post yesterday so I'll post it today. It really spoke to me....
"the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." 1 Peter 5:10

Not the best

2008-11-12T14:17:00.002-06:00

I did gain yesterday... a lot more than I wanted to. I have really been freaking out about it and haven't done very good today. I would have been ok with gaining weight, it's just the fact that I gained so much thats scared me. Bonnie (my nutritionist) said it's probably just a rebound and it's a lot of fluid, that if I stay on my meal plan this week I probably won't gain that much. But I still keep hearing that number in my head, all last night and all day today.

I am going to start taking some medication that will hopefully help my obsessiveness and my anxiety. They are hoping this will give me a boost to fight and stay in the right direction. They are wanting the treatment center to be the last possible option and that's fine with me.

I haven't done good today..... Twister is attacking me so much. I feel so controlled by him.

My daily verse:
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:6-7..... It's so simple, yet I make it so difficult.

Clinic Day

2008-11-11T11:55:00.002-06:00

Today I go to the clinic. I have followed my meal plan pretty much everyday this week, so I'm pretty sure I should have gained. But, like I've said, I thought I would've gained last week. I'm still really confused about the treatment center... I'm just praying about it and whatever happens is what God wants to happen. I'm ready to recover and I'm going to do whatever it takes.
One of my very special friends, Nichole, suggested that maybe I find some kind of job or volunteer somewhere so I won't have the temptation everyday to exercise. The temptation is just always there since I'm at home all day just doing school. I'm going to try and find something... any suggestions please let me know!!!!

I don't know if I've mentioned this, but I've started a text messaging group. Everyday I send out a daily devotional. It's really helped because a lot of people are starting to notice me for the Bible verses I send out and it made me realize I don't have to be anorexic skinny to get attention. This still bothers Twister because he wants attention, he doesn't want Kaitlyn to have the attention. But it's helped me, I've made some new friends and I'm doing something that is glorifying God.
Here is the one for today:
"God said, 'Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.'" Hebrews 13:5
I have to say, theses verses speak to me as much as they have spoke to others that I've sent them to.

Remember our Veteran's today and everything they have done for us. Happy Veteran's Day!!!

THANK YOU! :-]

2008-11-08T13:14:00.002-06:00

I just wanted to thank all of the special people in my life for supporting me! I didn't realize until I went into the hospital how many people really care about me... I got so many cards, visits, texts, phone calls, gifts! It was amazing! One of my favorite moments was when I came home, and Justin, Nichole, Hannah, Kristi and Bo had put balloons all on the house and made posters stuck to the windows and doors!!!! That was so wonderful to come home to! Oh, and when Tippa, Nichole, Hannah and Justin came to see me in the hospital, that was so fun!!!!!
So, thank you, all of my family and friends who have been such an AMAZING support group and still are. There are too many of you to even list! You are all so wonderful... I feel like I've let you all down a little bit by kind of backsliding, but you are always right there encouraging me to get right back up and keep going. I Love you all! THANK YOU! :-]

Today has been good, sort of. See I was suppose to have something for lunch that I found out we don't have, so now I've gotta go to the store and get it. It may seem kinda silly but when my plans are messed up it stresses me out. Anyway, hopefully I can get back on track. One step at time.... holding His hand.

Just another day

2008-11-07T18:34:00.003-06:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days, been kinda busy.
I'm going to be in the next Scarred drama, so for the last few nights I've been there practicing until late. Remember the Lifehouse "Everything" drama I posted about when Ignite did it? Well that's the one we're doing...I'm the model that causes the eating disorder, funny right?!

I've been doing pretty good the last few days. Still struggling with a few things :/
But, I'm ready to recover. I will do whatever it takes. If that means going to a treatment center out of state for a few months.. then that's what I'll do. I am ready to be well.
I have been following my meal plan though, I think I've done good. But, I thought I did good last week too so who knows.
Well I better go, I hope everybody has a good weekend!

Confused

2008-11-05T14:24:00.002-06:00

I am honestly very confused. I went to the clinic yesterday, I acutally (to my surprise) lost a little bit of weight. I really don't know exactly what happened, I guess a few too many crunches that I wasn't suppose to be doing. Dr. S was very unhappy with me. She talked to Daddy (he went with me because Mama had a virus) about admitting me to an inpatient treatment center. She gave him some information on two, both out of state. She wants them to call and see if the insurance will cover it, she wants us to get everything ready. I just don't know. Is that what I need? Am not going to be able to recover on my own? Have I just been fooling myself the last few weeks? I'm just so confused and overwhelmed right now.

Please keep me in your prayers.

The Real Me

2008-11-03T16:01:00.002-06:00

"The Real Me" by Natalie Grant

Foolish heart looks like we're here again

Same old game of plastic smile

Don't let anybody in

Hiding my heartache, will this glass house break

How much will they take before I'm empty

Do I let it show, does anybody know?

But you see the real me

Hiding in my skin, broken from within

Unveil me completely

I'm loosening my grasp

There's no need to mask my frailty

Cause you see the real me

Painted on, life is behind a mask

Self-inflicted circus clown

I'm tired of the song and dance

Living a charade, always on parade

What a mess I've made of my existence

But you love me even now

And still I see somehow

But you see the real me

Hiding in my skin, broken from within

Unveil me completelyI'm loosening my grasp

There's no need to mask my frailty

Cause you see the real me

Wonderful, beautiful is what you see

When you look at me

You're turning the tattered fabric of my life into

A perfect tapestry

I just wanna be me

But you see the real me

Hiding in my skin, broken from within

Unveil me completely

I'm loosening my grasp

There's no need to mask my frailty

Cause you see the real me

And you love me just as I am

Wonderful, beautiful is what you see

When you look at me

Natalie Grant actually suffered from bulimia for many years. She is now recovered. She has won many awards for her singing, she is married and has twin girls.

I listened to this song this morning and I realized for the past two years I haven't be being the "real me". Although I don't know if I will ever know exactly who I am, because God is transforming us each day, I have been holding myself back from becoming the real me. But, through all of this, God still sees the real me. This whole time I've been "hiding in my skin", I've been hiding behind my "perfect smile", but God always looks past that and looks at the real me. The real me that He created. I am broken from within, but He still sees beauty. There's no need to try and hid behind anything from God, He looks past all of that, no matter how hard I try. I'm trying to loosen my grasp, it's time to come out from behind my perfect smile, my perfect mask and be the real me.

Today has been good. I have felt really fat the last few days, but I fought through it. I am ready to recover. It's still been very hard, but I'm trying to be strong and draw my strength from God. I've really been struggling with wanting to workout lately. Hopefully in a few more weeks they will release me to start doing some stuff again. Tomorrow is dr. day, I go to Dr. Vance and to the clinic. So I probably won't write till I get home tomorrow afternoon... I hope everyone has had a good start to the week!

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10