Catching Up

I haven't posted in so long I am trying to remember how to do it ;)

So many new things are going on in my life I honestly do not know where to start.

As you can see by the picture below, I am now a nursing student!!! It has taken a while to get where I am today, but it has all been worth it!
I just began my first semester about 3 weeks ago and I am already EXTREMELY stressed out. I honestly

shouldn't be taking the time to do this, but I've missed it, so I am! I was asked the other day why I chose nursing and it really didn't hit me until then why I really had. I have always been a caring person, always wanting to "mommy" everyone, so caring is my nature. But I honestly did not become interested in the medical field until my eating disorder. Having to go to doctors CONSTANTLY got me interested and now I am making it my career. This is another reason I believe God allowed me to struggle with anorexia. I know He wants me to be a nurse, that is going to be my mission field, and without my eating disorder and all the MANY doctors, I may have never had that spark ignited.

I have so much more to tell ya'll, but I have so much MORE studying to do :/ so I am going to end it there for tonight and come back sometime tomorrow or this weekend with some more updates on my recovery as well as my mission to keep other girls and guys from staring death in the face because of an EATING DISORDER!

LOVE YOU ALL!
Kaitlyn (:

Rules and Restrictions

November 15, 2007

"I went to my second visit with Dr. B today and I really don't like going. I mean REALLY, REALLY don't like to.
He told me I had to gain weight or I would have to go to some special doctor and he would drive me crazy. He also told me if I lost more weight I could end up in the hospital with feeding tubes and stuff... I have to start drinking some kind of drinks to give me more calories. He said I needed 500 more calories per day. OMG!! Thats A LOT! I know I need to get better, it's just really hard to let go of some of these restrictions and rules I have for myself."

I HATED going to my first therapist. With a passion I hated it. I think it was because he was a male and I didn't feel comfortable. Not sure, but i dreaded it every week. I can remember the exact feelings I had when I wrote these words. I remember when he first told me to start drinking Ensure's. 500 cals was way too many to add to my diet. Not just to me, but simply to an eating disorder patient in general. You don't start off with that many...it makes our ED go wild! There are so may rule's eating disorder patient's have it would take me days to list them all. Most of mine had to do with what I would eat, when I would eat it, how much I would eat, and how much I needed to exercise to burn it off. I lived by these rule's. I lived by how many calories my ED would allow me to eat that day. Rule's take over. They control the brain. They control the life.

I finally BROKE the rules. ;)

Saying My Goodbyes? Or Saying New Hello's?

November 13, 2007
"Me and ED have been doing pretty good the past few days. He's really in control right now. I think to just want to see how much weight I can lose before I go to see my therapist because he said I would have to start gaining weight. He told me to say my good-bye's to Ed. In a way, I don't want to. I want to lose more weight. Why am I thinking like this? I'm so messed up. Will I ever be free from Ed?"

There goes the war again. I want to get better but I don't. It never ended. This specific entry was when my therapist told me I must say goodbye to my eating disorders. I don't think that's possible. There will always be part of my eating disorder with me...I just had to learn how to live away from it's grip. As you can see, I did not say my goodbyes. I said new hello's. I started losing more weight. This therapist and I did not groove together. There was just something seriously WEiRD about him. I didn't like him, so I didn't listen to him. When I didn't listen to him, my eating disorder got a tighter grip on me. I not only began losing more weight, I learned to tricks to get around not eating. New ways to hide it from my parents. New ways to kill myself...

The War

I found my old journal recently and began reading it...it is filled with my eating disorder moments. I decided to share some of them with you all. This will help some of you get into the mind of someone with an eating disorder.

November 10, 2007
"I wish this war would stop. The war inside of me. I feel exactly like Paul, like he said in Romans 7:22-25. I'm torn between wanting to get better, knowing what I'm doing is wrong, and wanting to be thinner. It's back and forth all the time. I just don't see how I can keep doing this. I get so frustrated at myself. Why can't I see beauty the way God does? Why can't I see myself the way God does? In the Bible it says that if a man loves the world or anything in it he doesn't have God in him. That hurts me. I'm being worldly. And that means I don't have God in me? It breaks my heart.
I don't see how a month or so ago I had such this drive to get better...and then now I just don't feel it anymore. I just want to lose weight and be skinnier. Why won't this end?"

This wasn't too long after I began going to my first physcologist...but I believe I had stopped seeing him at the time I wrote this.
I can remember these feelings like it was yesterday. One moment of the day I wanted to get better...the next moment my mind was consumed with thoughts of starvation and exercise. It truly is a war inside. But the war CAN be won. I remember the day God broke through to me, saved my life and made my eating disorder surrender. That doesn't mean it left me completely, but it did give me the strength to fight the occasional battles I was faced with. I was in this war for so long, it haunts me when I read this journal entry....but makes me smile at the same time, knowing that I HAVE obtained ViCTORY!

I'm Going Places ;)

Hi there!
I say this every time...but it's been way too long since I've posted. I have GOT to get back into this!

A lot of things have been going on in my life here lately. God has been stirring up so many things it is unbelievable! First of all, I spoke at the Women's Conference at my church back in Feb. Over 200 women there heard my story...it was amazing! God certainly had a plan for that day because I met someone very special who had been struggling with the same issues for a very long time. I'm telling you, God was ALL over that speech!

I then spoke to almost every girl in my high school about my struggle. Then, about a month ago I had the honor of hosting a booth at the Sylacauga High School health fair. That experience was completely AMAZING! I was able to share my story with so many students as well as educate them on the dangers of eating disorders. Then, next Tuesday I will be speaking to the entire Nichols Lawson (Syl. Middle School) student body about eating disorders. I am so amazed at how many doors God has opened for me.

I would have never thought that those days and nights of hopelessness would turn into something far bigger than I could ever imagine. Those few years where the worst years of my life...but I would not trade them for ANYTHING in the world. I went through this to help others, I have no doubt about that.

My God is amazing...I honestly cannot wait to see the things He will continue to do. (:

I tried to post some pictures of the health fair...but they won't load...I'll try again later!

It's Time To Talk About It

Eating disorder awareness week is coming up SOON. Like, in two weeks!!!
The theme of this year is "It's Time To Talk About It". As I was thinking about that the other day it really hit me...ED's are not talked about. It's like the world seems to think it's some horror word that you don't speak of. But it's NOT.

Eating disorders are pretty much all about secrets. You keep secret the pain that's deep inside. You keep secret the binging and purging, the starving and over exercising, and so much more. When we don't talk about it, it's not only hurting ourselves, but others. Our loved ones around us as well as those struggling who need to know they are not alone.
I've been speaking at a lot of places here recently and I still have many other speaking arrangements lined up...and what I've learned already is that it's so beneficial to TALK ABOUT iT! I can't tell you the lives I've touched already just by sharing my story.

Not talking about it is what Satan wants us to do. Because when we talk about it, we show others what God has to offer vs. what ED's have to offer and He far outweighs them! When we talk about it, we encourage the beautiful young (and old) hearts out there. And when we encourage them, they get stronger. When they are stronger, it's harder for Satan to take them down.

Like with any problem, addiction, or pain, it's important to talk about eating disorders. It's vital to recovery. It's vital to your life.

Please keep me in your prayers as I prepare to speak about my story in these upcoming weeks. God is using me in mighty ways and I'm trusting Him fully!

Love yall!!!!

The Look.

There's something that has really been bothering me lately...it's been brought to my attention that many people, well, the WORLD actually, think that you have to have the LOOK of an eating disorder to actually have one.
Ed's have no special look that they go for. They come in all kind of shapes and sizes. The body is only an outward sign of an eating disorder...and many people know how to cover that up while they struggle.
On another note, I don't LOOK like i have an eating disorder anymore. But I do. Most of you thought i was recovered. I'm not. Never will be. My eating disorder will always be with me. But it will not always be a part of my life. I say this to say that people can be in recovery, but still have an eating disorder...even though they don't look like it.

Ed's don't discriminate against sex, size, shape, hair color, skin color...NOTHiNG.

So we must stop labeling eating disorders to a certain look. Anyone can fall victim.

My mom shared this article with me about a boy who struggled with anorexia and i thought it was interesting. Read it if you have time.

http://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/30/male-anorexia-one-boys-story/?icid=main|htmlws-main-w|dl3|sec1_lnk3|193341

Stay Strong Beautifuls!
God is on your side!!!
--kaitlyn

The Continual Struggle

I know it's been a LONG while since I've posted but with school starting back, football season, working, and everything else in between, I've been super busy!

I've been asked a LOT lately by friends and family how I've been doing. I, of course, give the "right answer" and tell them I'm doing good. Am I really? With eating and maintaining my weight, yes, I believe I am. BUT, the ED thoughts are slowly creeping back into my mind. I honestly don't know why. But boy has it been hard not to give into the thoughts! I've had a LOT of fat days lately. I've thought about skipping meals here and there, but haven't. The thoughts of "am I enough" are becoming the theme of my life again, and I HATE it.

Now, I'm not saying all this to depress anyone or try and give myself a pity party. I'm simply showing you, especially those who are struggling with an ED, that it is a CONTINUOUS struggle. A CONTINUOUS fight. And with God, a CONTINUOUS victory. I honestly don't know how I've gotten through these days without giving into Twister. Or maybe I do. Maybe it's my amazing God. He quietly whispers His love to me and somehow it makes me stronger. I realize why I'm here and I realize life is worth living for HiM.

This feeling comes only with an intimate relationship with Christ. If you don't have it, your missing out. I promise you, it will forever be the best decision of your life!

STAY STRONG BEAUTiFULS!!! (:

The Mystery of Life

It seems like forever since I've written on here!

I want to first thank you all for your sweet comments, especially to those I don't even know! You are the reason I write this. You are a blessing to me!

Life is going good for me at the moment. While I know that can change in the blink of an eye, I'm learning to embrace the moment right now. Whether it's good or bad, I'm learning to embrace it.
I'm in a relationship now and couldn't be happier. Jesus is my number one love still, but He has given me someone that is beyond special!

When times are good, you should be cheerful; when times are bad, think what it means. God makes them both to keep us from knowing what will happen next." Ecc. 7:14


Twister actually hasn't been around too much lately. I accomplished a very big goal this week when I woke up too late to workout before work. I was ok with it. Not happy about it at all. But Satan and Twister wanted me to freak out and let that little mishap get to me. But I refused! I called on my God and He told me everything was alright, so I listened to Him.
I was suppose to go back to the clinic last week but wasn't able to because of some insurance problems. So I will either go next week or the week after.

I've still been hearing the lies. And at times giving into them. I found out my weight a few weeks ago by accident and freaked out a little, but somehow God gave peace and strength to my worrying heart. He's absolutely amazing and He's the reason I'm able to stand up and fight this disease every single day!

I'm going to end with this quote I heard on Joyce Meyer's show the other morning and convicted me in so many ways. I pray that it speaks to your hearts as much as it spoke to mine!
(paraphrased) "When we talk about ourselves in negative ways, [i.e, i'm fat, ugly, useless, dumb, ect.] we're agreeing with the Enemy [Satan]. But if we would take a positive approach to our outlook on ourselves we'll be agreeing with God and all He thinks about us."

2 Year Anniversary

As hard as it is for me to believe, today marks 2 years that I was hospitalized for severe complications due to anorexia. It doesn't seem like it's been that long...but then again it seems like it's been forever.

The memories of laying in that hospital bed are still very vivid in my mind. I can remember the constant raging war going on in my mind. I remember the days that I felt so huge I just wanted to die. I can still remember the food I had to eat. The sinking feeling in my chest when it was time to eat...oh, and I certainly remember the many tornado warnings when I had to go out in the hallway!
The nights I cried myself to sleep when my parents had to leave...the 5 minute showers...the meal planning with my nutritionist...the talks with my occupational therapist...and the bet part, my time with my physical therapist when I actually got to stretch! The annoying fact that I couldn't get out of bed...I couldn't go to the bathroom without a nurse...the list goes on and on. People have no idea what it's like...it was a painful experience, but it kept me from dying.

While I've had many relapses since being hospitalized, the hospital jump started my recovery and got me going on the right path. It was a PAiNFUL 8 days...but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Prayer got me through those nights, and the days and nights after that...I continue to pray to my amazing God for deliverance, healing and freedom from this deadly disease. Never will I stop praying...my God is an awesome God! (:

"NEVER STOP PRAYiNG!"-1 Thessalonians 5:17