Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Rules and Restrictions

November 15, 2007

"I went to my second visit with Dr. B today and I really don't like going. I mean REALLY, REALLY don't like to.
He told me I had to gain weight or I would have to go to some special doctor and he would drive me crazy. He also told me if I lost more weight I could end up in the hospital with feeding tubes and stuff... I have to start drinking some kind of drinks to give me more calories. He said I needed 500 more calories per day. OMG!! Thats A LOT! I know I need to get better, it's just really hard to let go of some of these restrictions and rules I have for myself."

I HATED going to my first therapist. With a passion I hated it. I think it was because he was a male and I didn't feel comfortable. Not sure, but i dreaded it every week. I can remember the exact feelings I had when I wrote these words. I remember when he first told me to start drinking Ensure's. 500 cals was way too many to add to my diet. Not just to me, but simply to an eating disorder patient in general. You don't start off with that makes our ED go wild! There are so may rule's eating disorder patient's have it would take me days to list them all. Most of mine had to do with what I would eat, when I would eat it, how much I would eat, and how much I needed to exercise to burn it off. I lived by these rule's. I lived by how many calories my ED would allow me to eat that day. Rule's take over. They control the brain. They control the life.

I finally BROKE the rules. ;)

1 comment:

  1. Hey I stumbled across your blog. I've been there. It's not okay. But it does control you. Thank you for sharing your story. :) Also, you should add Courage by Super Chick to your songs :) I used it in one of my public speeches about ed. It was very impactful :)