Saying My Goodbyes? Or Saying New Hello's?

November 13, 2007
"Me and ED have been doing pretty good the past few days. He's really in control right now. I think to just want to see how much weight I can lose before I go to see my therapist because he said I would have to start gaining weight. He told me to say my good-bye's to Ed. In a way, I don't want to. I want to lose more weight. Why am I thinking like this? I'm so messed up. Will I ever be free from Ed?"

There goes the war again. I want to get better but I don't. It never ended. This specific entry was when my therapist told me I must say goodbye to my eating disorders. I don't think that's possible. There will always be part of my eating disorder with me...I just had to learn how to live away from it's grip. As you can see, I did not say my goodbyes. I said new hello's. I started losing more weight. This therapist and I did not groove together. There was just something seriously WEiRD about him. I didn't like him, so I didn't listen to him. When I didn't listen to him, my eating disorder got a tighter grip on me. I not only began losing more weight, I learned to tricks to get around not eating. New ways to hide it from my parents. New ways to kill myself...