Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Saying My Goodbyes? Or Saying New Hello's?

November 13, 2007
"Me and ED have been doing pretty good the past few days. He's really in control right now. I think to just want to see how much weight I can lose before I go to see my therapist because he said I would have to start gaining weight. He told me to say my good-bye's to Ed. In a way, I don't want to. I want to lose more weight. Why am I thinking like this? I'm so messed up. Will I ever be free from Ed?"

There goes the war again. I want to get better but I don't. It never ended. This specific entry was when my therapist told me I must say goodbye to my eating disorders. I don't think that's possible. There will always be part of my eating disorder with me...I just had to learn how to live away from it's grip. As you can see, I did not say my goodbyes. I said new hello's. I started losing more weight. This therapist and I did not groove together. There was just something seriously WEiRD about him. I didn't like him, so I didn't listen to him. When I didn't listen to him, my eating disorder got a tighter grip on me. I not only began losing more weight, I learned to tricks to get around not eating. New ways to hide it from my parents. New ways to kill myself...

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