Lord, have YOUR way.

Haven't posted in a while...I've been trying to get back into posting regularly, but it's not going as I planned!!

Anyway, last time I went to clinic, things went good. I gained. I am actually at 89% of my expected weight for height. They want me at 90 - 95% to release me. They also need my menstrual cycles to be regulated, as well as they need me to STOP measuring my food. I really don't know what to think about this...it's a little scary to think I am very close to NEVER having to go back to the clinic again, but then there is something freeing. I don't know, it's a mix of emotions and it's hard to sort through them.

Some things have awoken some of my old habits. Twister has called me back a time or two, but I am amazed at how much stronger I have gotten in a year and a half. I've resisted. I've fought. I have leaned on my Savior to get me through.

As I am brought to the realization of how many girls (and boys) are fighting this life and death battle with an ED, it breaks my heart. I would never ever want anyone on this earth to go through a fight like this. It is so worthless. It consumes your every being. I can't stress enough how DANGEROUS it is. It is NOT something to play with. And it can happen to anyone.
I can remember one night very vividly, I was sitting at the kitchen table with my family eating dinner. This was probably about 5 years ago...I can remember saying "I'll never be anorexic, I love to eat!" Little did I know that 4 years later I could be laying in a hospital bed due to complications caused by my anorexia.

I've come to see how many years I have followed my own way, or even worse, Twister's. I listened and believed the lies. I followed down the path of destruction destined to kill me. I took his hand and slowly slipped away from the hand of my Savior. But now, I am back in the arms of Jesus. Twister no longer has total control over my life. Now, I am not at all saying I am recovered, I am a recovering anorexic, not recovered. And I am not trying to sugar coat everything. But My life has so much more meaning now. I still have bad days. But as I move forward in this painful, trying, and beautiful recovery, I find the good days start to out number the bad ones.

I now commit my life to following the path of my Lord and Savior. My heart cries out daily that He leads me in His truth, His grace, His mercy, His strength and His love. I pray that i take hold of His hand my whole life. I pray that He teaches this battered and bruised soul how to soar high above the storms in my life. I can't do this on my own. I can't walk through this life on my own. I can't figure it out on my own. I can not control it, and believe me, I have tried every one of these! I need Him...even though I am not worthy, He heals me. He loves me. He treasures me. He restores every broken piece. I now place my hope and trust in Him...to the One who has saved me from the gates of hell. Saved me from the grasp of Twister and everyday saves me from myself.
He is guiding me, always and forever. The question I ask myself, is am I always following?

"Lead me by Your truth and teach me. For You are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in You." Psalm 25:5