Major Test, Major God (:

I was in a pageant last weekend and there was a big mess with the winners. Long story short, they called me as the winner but I was suppose to get first alternate. Now, for those of you who know me personally, or those of you who struggle with an eating disorder, this is a major test. Twister could have cut me up inside with all kind of things! He could have pushed and pushed until I had fallen into his trap once again. But, I have a majorly big God. He got me through. I was ok. I didn't freak out. Now, I know alot has to do with the medicine I'm on, but most of it was my God. He silenced the voice of the Enemy with His tender words whispering how beautiful I am to Him. On top of this fiasco, I've been struggling with the new temptation Satan has found for me. Oh how he loves to torture me!!! But oh how my God loves!! And how His love washes all my fears and all my doubting!! As I've been going through a little bit of an uphill battle, it's been very hard to resist the temptation of my old ways. But in a way, it hasn't. I know whats there. There is nothing there to satisfy me anymore. If I was to go back to starving and over exercising, my heart would know the fullness that I've found in Christ...there's no way I can go back. A year ago, I wouldn't be comfortable saying that. I always felt I needed to be sick and I needed to want to go back. But I can't anymore. Yes, I still have thoughts. Don't get me wrong, it's still a DAiLY battle...but I can't go back. There's no turning back now. I have a life to live. I have people to love. I have dreams to fulfill and I have a God to serve with passion and desire.