Not Overcome.

I just realized I have not posted in a very long time...ha!

I've had a lot going on in my life lately. A lot of "normal" teenager stuff. While 99.9% of the time I'm overflowing with joy that it's actually happening in my life again, there are those rare moments when I'm drowning in the thoughts of Twister. He's slowly fading from my everyday life, but it's the major struggles and hills when he comes back. Whenever something tragic happens or I start stressing over anything, the first thought I think is to not eat. It's a battle I believe I will always fight.
My mom and I were talking about it this morning and it's a bit scary because I don't trust myself that much. I don't trust that I'll be able to continue in recovery when I move off to college and have to deal with the stress of living on my own in a new place, plus the school work and anything else I may be doing. The break up of a long term relationship. The death of someone very close to me. The weight gain when I have kids. How will I deal with these things? It's hard to trust myself when I feel like I deceive myself and have failed myself so many times. There are so many parts of an eating disorder's aftermath that people never see. The constant internal struggle and the fear of what will happen if we let ourselves slip up even once. But I do trust God...as long as I'm NOT trusting myself and I'm only trusting my God, I believe I will be ok. I know it will be extremely hard, but I know with Him, everything will be ok.

There are so many things I've yet to overcome with my eating disorder. There are many things I have overcome, but many more I've yet to push completely out of my life. Most of the thoughts are still there. The body distortion is there, probably even worse. But when I realize the road I've yet to travel in my recovery, God reminds me to look back at all the steps I've already made....then I realize how far I've already come. It may not seem like much, but I can remember the times when I could not even make myself eat breakfast.
I'm approaching the 2 year anniversary of my hospitalization and it sounds crazy to say that....I can't believe it's really been that long since I hit rock bottom.