Monday, July 25, 2011

The War

I found my old journal recently and began reading is filled with my eating disorder moments. I decided to share some of them with you all. This will help some of you get into the mind of someone with an eating disorder.

November 10, 2007
"I wish this war would stop. The war inside of me. I feel exactly like Paul, like he said in Romans 7:22-25. I'm torn between wanting to get better, knowing what I'm doing is wrong, and wanting to be thinner. It's back and forth all the time. I just don't see how I can keep doing this. I get so frustrated at myself. Why can't I see beauty the way God does? Why can't I see myself the way God does? In the Bible it says that if a man loves the world or anything in it he doesn't have God in him. That hurts me. I'm being worldly. And that means I don't have God in me? It breaks my heart.
I don't see how a month or so ago I had such this drive to get better...and then now I just don't feel it anymore. I just want to lose weight and be skinnier. Why won't this end?"

This wasn't too long after I began going to my first physcologist...but I believe I had stopped seeing him at the time I wrote this.
I can remember these feelings like it was yesterday. One moment of the day I wanted to get better...the next moment my mind was consumed with thoughts of starvation and exercise. It truly is a war inside. But the war CAN be won. I remember the day God broke through to me, saved my life and made my eating disorder surrender. That doesn't mean it left me completely, but it did give me the strength to fight the occasional battles I was faced with. I was in this war for so long, it haunts me when I read this journal entry....but makes me smile at the same time, knowing that I HAVE obtained ViCTORY!

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